Im getting pissed and annoyed. Why do guys just wana be unfaithful when they are already attached? Just so recently, 2 guys come and disturb my life.. suggesting stupid tings.. which obviously I know they are out for flings and they are freaking attached. wth. No matter how many times I tell them this is not right etc.. they can reply with so many bloody reasons. N I said straight to them I wont do things like that if I am attached.

Some guys are just never satisfied. Some have hot girlfriends some more, then why? Thrill? Curiosity? Desperate?

Nvm... mood spoiler.

After so many mths of seeking balance... I am still seeking balance in my life. Things keep changing, views keep shifting. Sometimes I really hate it. When will it settle into the more stable path? How to hope while not expect?

It is another sunday.. Having a few weeks' break before I continue my sunday dance classes.. It is an exceptionally quiet sunday even at home. Rare break I take nowadays. I saw my first bf's newborn baby's fotos. So cute :) Im quite happy for him, I hope he will really become a mature guy now. As I browse thru his fotos, looking at his face.. there is a sense of familiarity amidst the distant feelings. I thought of the last few smses he sent me this yr after he got married. That really concerned tone and I-really-hope-you-are-doing-good is still one of the few very genuine msgs I get from him these two yrs. Yeah, so life goes on.. people come and go.. only good memories stay behind after people let go. Which only brings a smile back onto the face when we think abt the other person.

I think I really feel a change in my phase and mentality over these past 2 yrs plus. From a person that just wants to party, have fun with frens, lotsa booze, doing things I love.. to a person that is looking for love and stability... to finally a person that wishes to settle down and do everything, go everywhere, share every part of my life with just a special person. All my ml frens say that it s the largest joke of the day if val wants to settle down or even if val gets attached. I must have been a real party ger in e past so they do not see the other side of me lol.

Im also a little surprised at my change. Is the change due to external influence or is it becoz of pple I meet in my life or is it becoz I just think that it is 'time'? I guess the transition point was probably last yr? I dont know why I keep feeling that there is lack of time for everything.. and hope to hasten everything.. unfortunately this is not the time to hasten things. There s too much change at the moment in all aspects of life now.. maybe I should not pin so much hopes and just enjoy.. I guess I am still in e process of seeking the balance.. while new things come into life to upset other balances.

Stormy and gloomy skies these days. And weirdly I start to miss the longest rs I had in my life. Suddenly recall the times he called me during the first few days I started sch at nus.. the time he repaired my hard drive.. the times he picked me up from my hse every wk for yrs with that "hello xxxx" greeting. n that nick still somehow feels close to heart. He really has worked hard in getting everything in a rs right. If only I loved him and not only liked him. We would have walked a long way or even down the aisle. I hope he is happily married now. I wish we can still be friends but he refused to. Sometimes I wonder.. Singapore is so small.. why didnt I ever bump into him before? as well as those guys that loved me before.

I still cant find the balance I have been trying to find. N I am feeling lost in the process. 为什麽 越相信谁能依靠 越换来 又一次灵魂寂寥? 其实我一个人很好, 眼泪可以自己擦掉.. why must I find a shoulder? why do I need a person? If moving onto a boat into a stormy sea can give me excitement, happiness that's momentary with the risk of weeping more painful tears, maybe I should not have moved in and stayed by myself on the shore.

Happy :)

When things are meant to be, it will be yours. No matter how long it takes.

I realised sth. Sometimes the more pple ard me give me support and show me presence, the more I become reliant on them. When I am without anyone, I feel better being independent and I never felt reliant on anyone. Growing reliance is scary. How can I stop reliance from growing? I dont like the feeling of yi1 lai4 :( It makes one desires more and just generally makes one feel worse. Soo just gota rid it. How did I have that balance many yrs ago? SIGH.

I took my inspirational line off. Just for one simple reason - it isnt complete anymore. And I replaced it with "Insecurity is the basic tool of the actor's trade". Life is like a masquerade and we are all Actors. Only behind the stage we find ourselves yet it is on the stage we find our glory and pride.

"If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die. Dreams see us through to Forever. Where clouds roll by. For you and I."

N I wrote "Seek out a star, hold on till the end."

Emotion overflow.

This is the second time this happens online. Just overwhelming.


- fang @ 11:17pm -

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never thought I would come back to this stage again, feeling what I am feeling. I do not think I am a confused soul but I think things are trying to find their right place in my life again. And it is a surprise how I move certain things and how their importance changed. Or maybe it was a natural movement that I wasnt aware of as time passes. Maybe my mindset has changed.. and I no longer is as ambitious in career.. trying too hard to get the things I want. Coz what I really want is not to enjoy success, but to share success. Coz even if I get out of the rat race, I am still a rat. Yup, thats why it was one of my msn nicks recently.

I am embracing life with a whole new note. Is that good or bad? Trying to find that balance and that peace. Trying to rid that insecurity and fear. Trying to find things I love and enjoy certain passions. Walk walk walk in that circle of life.. And then bump bump bump into those people from the histories of ur life. And u wonder.. where u are sometimes.

Long time since I logged into mx's blog. She has not been updating for more than a yr.. hmm. N her last blog stopped at this song which I happened to be playing on my pc now. Sweet song.. which I also feel like dedicating to some pple. People that I really miss. People that I wrote songs for... Dedicating songs to people..

I am waiting for a fairy tale.

吴克群 - 为你写诗

爱情 是一种怪事
我开始全身不受控制
爱情 是一种本事
我开始连自己都不是
为你我做了太多的傻事
第一件就是为你写诗

为你写诗 为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你我学会弹琴写词
为你失去理智
为你写诗 为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你弹奏所有情歌的句子
我忘了说
最美的是你的名

爱情 是一种怪事
你的笑容是唯一宗旨
爱情 是一种本事
我在你心里什么位置
为你我做了太多的傻事
第一件就是为你写诗字

Yesterday happened to hear this really old sally yeh's song zhen xin. It is one of the classic old songs that is beautifully written. Since I was printing out this song's lyrics for my mum (on her request), I read it a few times and remembered how the song applies to some times in my life. This is another one of those songs that I can keep replaying without getting sick of it. Each time I listen to it, I have a new understanding. I am so thankful that the song does not apply to me now. Well since it is the song of the day for me today, I shall put the lyrics here. I love every line of it - every line depicts those feelings so well - believe it is a phase where many people who have been thru heartaches would have been thru before?

I just had this feeling recently that hey hf u have misjudged so many things and have again overestimated someone again. Yeah, I guess it is faith and trust that leads to that. It takes a lot to have faith and trust in someone, and once broken once, twice.. that's it. I will stick to my final conclusion and will never, ever change again. It is scary when someone can say certain words with so much determination and certainty, only to act in a contrary manner just shortly after. It goes to show how much determination and will a person has in wanting to achieve his goals. And about a person's principles. It is disappointing because I believe in those words and giving things a probability of change. But well, it is good too. All that will let me reduce the probability all to zero and I will bravely walk on to my brand new life with no guilt, no apologies, no nothing. It left only negative negative impressions of the end. And all the more I blamed myself for not ending things earlier. Way back like a yr back from the zouk incident to lotsa things, why did I feel softened and throw out chances all the time?

But well I am so so happy and I feel more relieved. Only a little bit of regret about things that have happened. They should not even take place in the first place. Hf should have followed her heart in the first place and not xin luan multiple times.

Yeah, and I will go on to follow my heart now without fear. When u really love or like a person, nothing changes it. When u no longer love or like a person, nothing changes it either. I heard sth like this from an interview with Gigi Leung. That's what she said.. when a person stops liking you, no matter what u do will not bring a change of heart. I so agree with that coz there are so many times I felt that I dont like someone anymore, no matter how they plead and beg.. I will be just so cold coz I really just dont feel anything for him anymore. Well but if there are feelings in the first place and the will is there to get someone back, I will stick to my principles and do things that are right and not give up so easily. At least for a while. Not just months. Otherwise, it goes to show how weak I am to fall to easier alternatives - that just means the person is not mature and wen zhong enough. And these people are never my type. I am a very strong and principled person and I need someone more than this.

The sky was beautiful yesterday with pretty clouds. And when I was at demsey last night, clouds form the same pattern and the sky was lit with moonlight. It is beautiful. So are my fridays. Despite all the shit work that xp gives me.. I know what else can motivates me in life.

Hf feels abit sad all of a sudden. I must be tryin too hard. Duno why I have that heart wrenching ache. Why should I clench my fists so hard.. just let go.

The sky is like a postcard. Everyday it paints me a different color. It's actually not a bad thing to work at harbourfront.. where I can see the sea and the sky on the way to work or during lunch. When I look at the sky, I will smile when I know that the same sky is looking over the people I love or loved.

I was looking at my ipod and it still looks pretty new. It is 5 yrs 1 mth 8 days old. Didnt expect my ipod to last so long, it lasted even longer than my longest relationship. How long can feelings and emotions really last? How true can a love be? How many times can a love be true? Loving and being loved the person he/she is.. is a nice thing. Having someone that makes u feel that u wana do things for him/her.. is blissful. I like that feeling of shopping/looking for things and doing things for somebody I like. It's like even when it's time spent alone, I feel happy coz that person is on my mind and he is my purpose. And I realise it is hard to want to do sth for someone, so to have a person I wana do things for can be a kinda bliss.

There were 2 days I felt a bit lonely recently. Once was when I was shopping while waiting for friend.. An hour passed... another hour passed.. n I am still waiting. Initially I didnt feel lonely but after a while I started looking at the watch. Maybe coz it's a friday night I dont like to be shopping alone. Fris are for me to go out and be happening. That day makes me recall my early ML days when I always wait for frens to knock off.. and the clock jus ticks ticks ticks.. as I walked rounds rounds rounds.

Recently addicted to this korean variety called we got married. It's damn sweet and nice. So hooked to it. They are stars, forced together in a 'marriage' and they have to stay together while there are hidden cameras to capture their awkwardness and eventually the transformation in their rs from getting to know each other to getting used to each other.. and for one or two couples.. maybe to even liking each other. Kinda sweet when one guy said isnt it normal that he thinks that his wife is the best and prettiest.. and in one of the varieties, when one of the guys were questioned: which lady do u tink will win this round or sth.. he said: who else but my wife, she's the best. Another guy said: are there any ladies at all besides the one sitting next to me. Haha. Hillarious. But it's cute and natural response. Really like the show coz it's so so natural and sweet.

There is also this part.. sth the girl says and I really agree with her. She is the never do housework type. And she always appears a bit indifferent. One day when she does sth for him, cook sth for him etc.. that guy was so touched. And she said it never felt like this before. Doing something for someone and feeling very happy to know that he is very happy receiving the gift. That feeling is so nice. And that guy was so touched that he said 'come over , jus come over wife' 'come over i wana give you a hug'. And they did. It was so heartwarming. I guess this is the bliss in doing sth for someone which I talked about. It makes the other person smile and makes u smile. For a very very long time.

Hear that song so many times in so many places at all the oh-so-right times. That time outside the restaurant/crystal jade, in timbre, another time when passing timbre, in the lounge, in my fav hang-out bar...... n even when i click 'shuffle' on my ipod...

Baaa. Life at work getting sucky. I really dislike xp :X

I love looking at the sky every day *smile*

Xin dong. Heard the song just now. It's a decade already. I dont feel a thing. I just love the old me then. Yet it must be today that sth so coincidentally happen. After hearing the song. I take it as a coincidence, not fate's arrangement. I have long accepted what is real and what is not. And I wont change the facts I perceived.

Recently there are some other 'coincidences' that happened too. Well, I dunno where god is guiding me towards. I hope god can tell me where my final destination is and not let me make so many stopovers anymore.

Today I am in a happy mood somehow. (Before and after whatever so called coincidences today) Though I am still not fully recovered yet. Some nice quotes from movies:

"My mother always said, life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" - Forrest Gump

"Im just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" - Notting Hill

"When you're young everything seems like the end of the world, but it's not, it's just the beginning" - 17 Again

Find the lyrics of this song very nice. This is a 插曲 for the rainie 'ToGetHer' show. Interestingly, the word 'together' is actually formed from 3 words which I never realised till I watch this show. There is this part she said : "why is it when I found someone I like and when I like him, I am still 一个人?" Then, to the person she likes, she says that she is used to 一个人, so leave her alone. Actually the statement just shows that she really hates to be 一个人..

一个人就好

作词/作曲：徐旻铃 编曲：郑楠

街 挤满了欢笑
太不适合 眼泪凑热闹
快跑 快寻找 无人的转角
不优雅时候 一个人最好

爱 说退就退潮
我松开手 回忆却没放掉
未来 不来了 地球 继续绕
躲回温暖的梦 我一个人就好

为什麽 越相信谁能依靠
越换来 又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远 再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说 越踏出世界一脚
越不能 保留住天真微笑
那从今以后
我一个人过 就很好

心 很平静地跳
只是寂寞 潜伏像海啸
突然某一秒 偷袭我眼角
眼泪自己擦掉 我一个人很好

为什麽 越相信谁能依靠
越换来 又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远 再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说 越踏出世界一脚
越不能 保留住天真微笑
那从今以后
我一个人过 就很好

Finally saw his wedding photos today. Wonder why I so kpo sometimes. But alright la, I don't feel anything. I am just curious bah abt who is the final person. I always felt that it is a blessing to have loved someone who also loves you back the same before at least once in your life. Everyone has this 'dream partner' image with certain criteria, but usually will not get what he/she wants. Because even when you meet such a person, there are just no feelings. People you like may not like you and people who like you may not be those you like too. So it requires some kind of affinity and fate bah for two persons to be in love and maybe even for two persons to have known each other before. Though degrees of separation is small, it is still some kinda fate that you run into the person once in your lifetime right?

I am on sick leave again today. Feel damn bad, I better buck up in May onwards. I am getting myself a bad record. Recently, just curious abt why girls can get so desperate sometimes - due to some incidents I heard and things I have been reading abt. I still feel that jing1 chi2 of a woman is important. Because it is an identity of a person as well as a woman. Being too desperate or being too much of a pushover is not the way. If certain things are yours, they will be yours. And I hate catfights. So, I will avoid such women if I ever have to deal with them. If I ever have to deal with such women in my future relationships, I will take it as a real test to the relationship. Real feelings can withstand tests that's what I always feel. But then, in this current world and for myself, I don't think I can experience real feelings anymore. I am referring to real feelings both ways. So... that would mean my future relationships may fall to temptations and third parties? Yeah, maybe. Well, I guess I should change my statement to only real committments to relationships and marriages can withstand these tests.

Sighs, sth is affecting me today I don't know why. I hope I will be alright soon or get over it soon or get a solution soon. I won't fight too much for things nowadays. I shall let it be. Im too tired of it.