Yes. Finally it's over! Over over over! My pms or emo period entangled with all those events. Hit mi all at the same time n they will leave mi all at the same time. I guess? :)

This is the final phase I wana get thru n finally it happened. Of accepting new facts n also communicate the real facts abt myself.

Wat I felt in hk was right. The fact that I didn't get affected during trip was right.

Throwing away the thing was also right. I guess it shud be bright paths ahead for us nw. Sorry fate, I will not believe in u this time round.

Maybe some things are best left unspoken? Though I really wana get those things off my chest. I hope time will melt the things away from my chest. Not a long time but just a little while. I know.

Over over over! The soon-to-be over phase :)

Challenge accepted (unwillingly). Challenge that will soon be overcome. I leave it to the heart to do it. One of the final last tests.

Damn angry n pissed n disappointed that I must blog from office on a phone!! Jus totally disappointed in somebody. Too much accumulated over a long period of time. I can't let it go anymore. I need to rethink a lot of things.....

It's painful but I need to readjust.

Went through a big rough patch in relationship life. And am I really out of the patch or am I in a brighter part of that rough patch only? No idea.

Work wise. I am extremely stressed out. Last yr, I was leading a relatively huge team (by merrill standards) for a quarter, before I quit to take up my current job. Not that the team lead role was difficult, but on the contrary, I felt that it was still not challenging enough. Well, I could stay on and excel like crazy. But I chose the more difficult path by going into a 'higher-level' job but no longer lead a team. Cuz it is a completely different role where my stakeholders and working partners and teams are suddenly all so senior...!

This role is so difficult. Im struggling like crazy to stay afloat. Even these few days that Im on course (which pple call them slacking days), I am even more stressed. Cuz work and deadlines jus keep staying in my mind.. and I jus cant wait to rush home at night to switch on my laptop to start doing work. N I scroll my blackberry-iphone more frequently now. Whereas in the past, if Im on course, I will be so relaxed cuz I can knock off early n go out.

This yr is gona be such a challenging year for me. He flies more than ever. And Im just constantly bothered by work. Economy is still not good. Im trying to find a balance. But how? I must learn how to strive thru this. I think if I can survive these few yrs in this role relatively well, then I will be on my way.... to where I wana be. Love life wise........ still quite a bit of uncertainty in my heart. N Im no longer as eager to settle down (not that I dont want, but just not so sure anymore abt life time commitment to one person). It is not so easy to have ur mind made up abt entrusting the rest of ur lifetime and giving ur love to a particular person. Yah just had this conversation with mx.. seems like shes going thru the same train of tots as me too. Thats maybe cuz her ring is ready already ba.. so thinking thru more seriously.. but I dun ma. hmmmz.

Ok need to start my work already. really exhausted............. *dreams abt an Italy vacation*

"I Believe. Someday I will love, someone who's by my side. " - Over time Soundtrack. My favourite song and I just watch a 5 min excerpt of the show ending on Youtube. I still remember the names of the roles they played though it has been a gd 10 yrs since I watched it.

The song that consoles me each time after a breakup or a disappointment haa. It is my wish but is not coming true. When I finally fall in love, I become more lonely. Different relationships are conducted differently. Have I not felt the warmth n showering of love n the presence of partner in my previous relationships, I probably wouldnt feel what I am feeling now. Sometimes, I just feel that no one is there for me when I needed that someone. I used to feel so alone and always gota listen to this song when I first fell in love a decade ago. But he let me down though he promised that he wont. N he let me down, yr after yr. N the same thing happens now... but I attribute it to the nature of the job my partner is doing or the lifestyle he is having.

So do I continue loving and living that kinda life when I gota keep listening to 'Believe' to console myself? Or I live a life with someone that will never make me feel that I need to listen to this song? But I may not really love him as much? The latter = the ending in Over Time.

And regarding things I wish he did that he never... I guess no reason is ever a reason good enough. If a person really wants something or wants somebody, no reason will stop him. I will throw the control out of my hands. And I will stop attempting to shape my destiny with him. Yes, attempt. Cuz all along I always felt that destiny is in my own hands but .. now.. Let it be :)

This weekend I will go look for the Over Time full soundtrack. I quite need it once in a while.

Conflicted feelings overwhelming my mind and body.

I guess focal point of a problem always changes with new things and experiences coming into life. Sth that seem to bother me for a yr suddenly got overshadowed by a newer problem. I feel guilty for becoming others' problems before too.

Some feelings and reactions are unexplained thats why they cause mind conflicts. I guess I must not make the same mistake again by forsaking the present that I have. As for the past, I must learn how to deal with it or rather how to look at it from a different perspective. Let time teach me how to do it. Let love teach me how to do it. Emotional baggage was never gone I realised, it was only hidden within me. Now, I have to face it I am at a loss. I need to let it be gone.

Why am I always indecisive and hesitant, yet making selfish and stubborn choices in paths. And then create one whole web of problems for myself. Sometimes, I feel that Im just asking for it.

Face it, I have to face it. Learn things I have to learn things. Grow up, I have to grow up. Grow out of dwelling on things, I have to grow out of it.

Looking forward to watching December Rains later. Musical starring Kit Chan. I have not watched a Chinese musical before, this will be the first and Im full of anticipation.

Time is passing so fast as usual. Im in my new bank for 7 months already. And I have worked for more than 3 yrs since graduation which actually felt much longer than that. Perhaps cuz of the things that I went thru at workplace, it makes me mature much faster. It is good that I am exposed to the ugly side of worklife and people at a earlier time, it makes me smarter than before but also more cautious.

My heart is still full of unfufilled wishes at the moment. I havent really thought thru abt some things and how to come to terms with some stuffs. I wish for a long holiday break. I havent had a good long trip ever since Japan trip in 08. These 2 yrs my trips are all rushed and short and not happy/satisfying enough.

Yesterday I was sitting at the cafe outside borders reading my notes. The second time I sat there in my life. Immediately I tot of the same scenario that took place 2 yrs back.. The first time I sat there.. the fotos I took with him.. His hp.. The wallpaper.. sky of love.. etc. I lost concentration for a while and hope that he is doing well. I also hope for the day when we can be back as frens that hung out before we were together last time. Though it seems like its gona be tough or even impossible.

I really am not sure if this is gona be the largest regret of my life. Sometimes though I try to look ahead and look at present, there is this lingering thing in e corner of my heart. Time will never be at a standstill. I believe one day I will get over it.

Recently kept falling sick i duno y. I think the office air is bad. MCs are taken everyweek in my team. I need to find sth to cleanse and detoxify my air. Had another 2 days mc this week.. which was only few weeks since my long mc.. same stuffs like high fever again. I never had fever at such a frequency before and even when I fall sick in the past, I dont get fever. Maybe once or twice a yr only? sigghs. And work stress was at its highest during the last 2 days when I went back to office. So crazy that I nearly broke down. It is unbelievable because I used to have much more stress and work in ML. Maybe I am too used to the relaxed life here, the expectations and benchmarks for stress and work just changed so much that I didnt know.

Looking back at the past 4-5 mths of this new job, I really think this is a place where there is really nothing much to learn plus the fact that I picked up much faster than other people just makes me very underchallenged and extremely bored. Maybe if I stay on for a few more yrs, I can get promoted here compared to other places where it's tough to reach the same position. But do I really want to do it? Very confused. Getting a position, power, leading a team whose work is relatively easy to me vs going elsewhere that is challenging, junior, stressful and definitely longer working hours. Actually first one sounds good if I wana get married and settle down. But then again, if I ever do that, I will most likely hafta quit in order to get a flat. Though I think most likely in the end I will end up quitting if I wana get a hse. Which means bye to watever promotions I could have gotten. Okay, nvm not now to think abt it yet. Still got long time to go. I think.

This month I attended/going to attend like a wedding a wk. Every wedding I attend, there will be some pt that makes me touched. And everytime I attend, I will hope that one day I will have mine. I think for each couple to come to the day of holding that wedding banquet, it is not easy. In terms of everything that they have gone thru from passing the initial stages of rs, to accepting each other, to deciding to be together for life, to going thru all the happiness n unhappiness of planning the big day etc etc. So I do feel happy for them.

Life is short. I thought I felt that I was living it up yrs back. But nowadays once in a while, I will still get lost. Too many things to build, too little time to pay attention to the present, n sometimes I seem to lose the ability to enjoy watever I am doing. I need to think it again. Probably I need my usual recharge of bookstores-browsing.

Thinking too much? Sinking too much?

Nothing seems to be wrong outside, everything seems to be fine on the surface. Is there anything that is gona erupt soon? Is it sth within me? "This is how I feel" just cant be spoken anymore. There is no time anymore.

It was a walk down memory lane. This walk was triggered just in that split second. Mixture of feelings afterwhich was drowned in some alcohol. I would have drank much more, but I still kept it at my intended low intake. I would also have laughed more that night, but it seems harder to laugh. I would have done more impulsive things that night that may result in a different today, but I held back. The images just keep appearing in my mind intensively, including those that usually bring tears to my eyes. I guess I really did love.

These things have been happening to me in these few weeks. Running into people from my past. So weird, have never seen them for yrs and all of them appear during this same short span of time. Ironically, today is the bdae of another person from my past and this mth also contains anniversaries that no longer mean anything to anyone. It is hard to comprehend how two lovers become two strangers. That's how the term 最 熟悉的陌生人 comes about bah. Can such strangers become good frens instead? It wud be perfect if there is just one relationship in my life isnt it? Who's the next person I will see?

Thinking back, he was like almost the perfect person for me. Appreciate the same things, enjoy the same stuffs n had common goals. These things were unspoken n identical. Didnt noe that not every relationship is like that. Or maybe I have been lucky for the past 2 times.

Things are proving its difficulty as more time passes.

I wonder how the person is feeling n whether hes doing ok. But anyway I hope hes doing well. Somehow, somewhere deep down, I sometimes will hope to meet him and be friends again.

Now in my new workplace.. not too bad. Less politics. But Im still on a lookout to wana move to sth else. Should I continue being ambitious or should I really let it go as advised by the hk fortune teller? He says Im over ambitious and can only choose to let go for at least these 2 yrs. hmm.. so hard for me to do that.

Time is passing fast, life is going by. I am so worried that time will run out for me to do certain things. Deep down, I would have wished to start a family so that I can have more years with my loved ones. But I guess it is difficult to plan or preplan such things. I just feel unhappy as I see years pass by. I just have a very uneasy feeling abt my health.

Christmas is over. It feels as though I have missed Christmas this year.. Maybe cuz my plane touched down in HK on 24th night.. and I was at some train station figuring which train to get when it struck 12am. And when I finally got to the streets, pple are all returning home from the countdown while Im making my way to the hotel and finding supper. On Christmas day itself, we went to attend JJ's wedding in Guangzhou. So much of 25th was spent on travelling.. from HK to GZ and then from GZ station to our serviced apartment (where we are left with half an hour to get dressed and make up?!) and then to the wedding place. Very hectic day. And it ended at 12 plus with fortune telling.. hoho wat a day!

Had lotsa mixed feelings this year. I cant believe that it is xmas again. It din feel very long ago from last yr's xmas. Xmas has always been special to me cuz I celebrate it every yr without fail. And it always makes me happy. I jus love taking pictures during xmas, walk down streets with the pretty xmas decor, party like mad with my frens...etc etc. Xmas day oso happened to be my first crush's bday and my anniversary date for my first rs. But of cuz these are no longer relevant, but the meaning of celebrating durin dec every yr is sth to me.

Last year passes so fast. Love happens, and love left too. I guess everything happens for a reason. But we cant help but look at the rear mirror of our life all the time.. And that s when we missed out things that are right in front of us. I wrote in a person's xmas card this year abt enjoying the present. I knew abt the importance of enjoying the present since duno how long ago, but find that it isnt that easy because Im a person that cant leave the past behind easily. Tiring and hectic trip.. with some laughter and some tears. Keep having this feeling that xmas is missed tis yr I duno why. I duno how I will be spending my xmas next yr and with who.. how will I be looking at my trip tis yr?