Finally satisfied my craving for a game of squash. A short night game, but wasnt shiok at all. I din really smack to my fullest, feel a bit lethargic surprisingly. Maybe it's my shirt, too tight for me to maneveure. Hah, but I just don't feel great in general. Oh and I didn't know the roads there change so much, it's really been AGES since I went to Kallang squash centre. Literally AGES. Haha.

People around me are just so weird nowadays, don't know what they are thinking about, or rather I don't know whose words to really trust. This kinda feeling sucks. I hope Im not too paranoid or too cynical, but still, it's probably better than way rather to realise it when you get hurt later only right..

Kays I havent touched my finance mod and thesis data for the whole mid sem break. How bad can it get? I just have no time to catch up with anything. And a few days of half ill plus fully ill just made everything worst. K la mabe i should not complain since it was a flu rather than those huge sickness that will just make me bedridden for longer time hah.

Again a long shower-over-face bath.. sashimi wasnt cold enough todae.. it isnt raining todae.. it feels sad todae.. somehow food isnt the best cure animore.. is it coz im fallin sick? or wat.. i think i need to go to ai qing hai soon again.. a conversation below written.. unfortunateli onli one person will prob understand this senseless, no beginning no ending, weird conversation.

She said: I walked towards that spot, thinking of that feeling yrs back. A hunch. That something similar will happen again. That feeling. No it's impossible. Yet, it did. And I was alone again sitting there waiting for the bus. Why did it feel that way, I cant fathom. Holding back tears, staring far away with really big eyes, stone, and they fell. All in combination with those butterflies in the stomach. It feels as though I was waiting for someone, not a bus. When the bus came, I walked up with a really weird feeling. On the bus, I sat, stoned, stared out of the window as though sth out there is comforting. But some scenes reran. My mind was blank. I seemed to be playing with my shadows. The bus ride was really fast this time. And at the stairs I stopped halfway, felt really really terrible I couldnt move on. Butterflies butterflies they came again.... And.. Basically I just really don't understand what is all these. It's so weird, is it stress?

I said: What was it that made u that sad?

She said: It's not only sad, it's just unbelivable. What was happening? Everything is just weird.

I said: What else do you feel?

She said: I feel that Im a failure. Hesitant at the wrong moments, impulsive at the wrong moments. That leads me to where I was. And I do not want to be hesitant nor impulsive anymore. So do nothing. And yet I felt that I lost something.

I said: Do you know what you want?

She said: I don't know. I don't know when I will know what I want too.

I said: Then don't think about it. Don't think too far. Handle what you need to and can handle first. And let other things take it own course. You can't plan life, you cant decide your fate, but perhaps you can maneuver ard it.

She said: Im afraid. Just this general feeling of fear.

I said: My dear, life can be planned to a certain extent, but you never know what it holds for you. Could be good, could be bad. Pluck up some courage, to learn how to face not only good but bad things as well.

She said: It's easier said than done. Im completely lost for a while.

I said: You need hugs and comfort.

*hug*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ive been doing something really silly and dumb these few weeks. Watching my korean dramas, getting touched and teary, then whenever they play songs in the background, I would open my word doc and copy the english translation off the tv. I feel as though I can pick up my song writing again, but too bad no time to do so. Watching Full House the 2.5th time.. I still feel really melted at some parts of the show. Really sweet feeling in the show at times. And I realised besides my favourite track 4 Byul's 'I think I', the other songs are quite meaningful to the show actually too. *genuine smile*

one of the songs:

It seems to be talking about love
I'm praying this isn't a dream
I dun want to lose u again
How shall I make that known?

Your love comes quietly
It feels just right for mi
An affinity most unexpected
To true love it leads
I should push on with courage
But why am I so unsure?

It seems to be talking about love
I'm praying this isn't a dream
Hope u find your true love
I wish u happiness forever

Is this impossible?
I really can't forget you.

Life is still as sucky everything is still in that seemingly beautiful blue. Financial statements are my nightmares everyday. Every morning I wake up, I can only see those hundreds of excel rows to be filled in and a few times more the number of fin statements I have to look through. Im so desperate that I want to hire a part timer to do it for me, but it would be shithole if that person anyhow plug in numbers for me without doing it meticulously. And of course I trust myself more too.. even now when Im doing the data collection, I kept having this phobia that my regression results will come out weird and inconclusive. N I can picture myself pulling my hair and scolding !@#$ To make things worse, only recently did I realise that my less than a yr old comp has only a 30 gig puny pathetic hard drive. N obviously, it is slowing my comp down, coz there isnt any free memory (nearly nothing) left. Though i have a second hard disk, I use it for backup only. And it's just so irritating when the window keeps popping up saying that the disk is running out of space, virtual memory nearly used up blah blah blah. N of coz my relationship life is as screwed up. It doesn't feel that great to be left dangling there. Cant break free, cant go back, as good as imprisonment. Until love sounds so bullshit to me. Maybe I should just return to my status quo, close my eyes and continue with everything since no one can treat me better. hah I wish I can be back to the carefree days. What else. It's half a semester gone my dear and.. and.. I can say I nearly havent touched any books. This is like the worst progress I had in my 3.5 yrs of uni life. argh 3.5 yrs of everithing. =( and work? hmm.. career talks havent been that helpful. Im just bumming around ==> nothing value adding. k well, this is just complaining and maybe whining for the sake of it.. since I havent played squash for super long yeah.

Someone was arguing with me about what is love and was trying to change my view of what is love and whether what I deemed as love was love. It was kinda infuriating. He kept insisting that "intense feelings n excitement and affection is not true love..true love is when u do evrythg to make each other happy n stay tog..not a few months of intense excitment den break up n tink abt each other all the time..dats an immature kinda love which serves no purpose.." yeah the exact words.. which I do not agree with totally. To me, there is no such thing as a mature or immature love, but timing is a factor. At the wrong timings with the wrong level of maturity, real love cannot work out. Doing everything to make each other happy and staying together is part of "handling and management" of a relationship and it is also part of real love. But real love should comprise much more than this, something further, deeper etc. I think love just cannot be defined with words. It's a kind of emotion that cannot be described I guess. The tangible things and actions that come out of it can vary. And it's true that the emotion can be so overwhelming that 'nothing can matter'. Its not like an infatuation with a pretty girl (that is superficial), it's like no matter how she changes, no matter how she looks like, no matter what she faults in, you still want her. Like what my friend told me before : " I love my gf. Yes she may not be the prettiest or hottest girl around. She may not be best in temper etc etc. But no matter who I meet along the way, she is still the one I love. Simply because it is her. Just her. There are always better people around, prettier or better figure or more feminine whatever, but to me, she will be the best no matter what others say."

Something to share from my korean drama addiction.. Part of a song in Rain's "A love to kill" drama series. Couldnt find the song and the translation so this is just part of it which I caught from subtitles while watching. Nice to share.

"I know you don't belong to me
Please don't let me see you
Don't let the feelings develop
Don't let me feel love
The bitterness in my heart
It has turned to love

I love you
Please love me too
No.. we can't fall in love
This has to stop..

I can't pretend I've never loved you
The tears just keep flowing
If I hadn't met you
No we have never met
My heart wouldn't hurt so much
I hate you for exposing me to love
Im forced to live for you
I cannot help myself"

"Love like you've never been hurt before.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Work like you don't need any money.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's the last day of your life.
Live like it's heaven on earth."
Alfred D Souza

Roughly thats the quote i heard and read. Heard on jin san shun show and read somewhere online before. But jin san shun in the show said that the quote should be changed to "If you don't want to get hurt, do not fall in love." Hah, sounds sad.

Was reading this forum thread "To love or to be loved" http://www.singaporebrides.com/cgi-bin/forumboard/discus.cgi?pg=prev&topic=5&page=376620 It's kind of interesting and sometimes heartwarming to know that there are people still genuinely giving themselves to 101% hoping to get sth back in return at the expense of getting hurt at the end of everything. And heartwarming to know that people do succeed and find a happy place and person to settle with after many painful n devastating failures. As I read, I felt that I might have been in happiness that I didn't know, at the same time feeling that I shouldn't haven given up since years back on things I was looking for (then I probably wudn't have made a mistake coz of my stubborness and cynical mind). But well, these are contradictory thoughts that would have led to different outcomes. Somehow, Im being forced to sit on the wall again after more than one attempt to leave. Im quite xinluan, I would say, to attempt again. Knowing how bad it feels to be hurt, how painful it is to be left hurt, I don't want to hurt someone too. What am I supposed to do.. I wish time can either turn back but since it is not possible, I wish it can be fast forwarded! Then, I probably would know what I really need. I will still smile nevertheless, right now.

My friend told me this last night saying that " Think of it this way: There is potentially someone beautiful out there who's looking for you. Still looking for you." My immediate response was like it could be a fake reality you immersed in unknowingly that has no outcome haha. It's such a fine line between your dreams and reality. But well, thinking back, it sounds nice if added to it that the person is just who you are also looking for or perhaps you just can't see him at the moment. =)

will i really be happier takin the other route? leaving my seemingly stormless island with occasional rains.. to a vast ocean out there.. when someone like me has nearly given up hopes looking for a love that is mutual, equal, intense and deep? Sounds ironic right, if you have given up then you should stay on. Be on the receiving end and you will never get hurt. But im going out to probably get hurt. What a moron seeking for trouble eh?

But well.. i really feel that I need to be left alone for a period of time, perhaps some weeks, months.. I don't know. I find it so hard to trust anyone around me now. Words seem so cheap nowadays that I don't know where I can find genuinity and sincerity besides from friends I know for very long. My friends are really playing a very supportive role in my bad patch, simply when whatever few words they say I know they are true right from the heart, nothing that is fu1 yan3.

there's something that holds her back from saying how she really feels..but instead she keeps her mouth shut and just goes on everyday wearing her fake smile..and pretending like everything is okay..

she is sad and yeah perhaps would want people to know.. but when asked "are you okay", such people lie. "great!" "im fine." they say. when they just wish someone would look at the painted eyes and say "you are not.."

she is not trying to prove that she has no fears. yet she stands up tall, wiping her tears. This could be the most beautiful mistake.

she didn't want to admit it, it was easier to lie and hide the hurt and emptiness.. and to smile instead of cry.

she clings to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art because deep within she desperately does not want to be alone. looking at all these music and writing assures her someone else out there knows exactly how shes feeling. someone does explain the things others cant. Being unsure isn't in the plans. But it's those moments, the ones where you risk it & step unknowingly into the future that assures people that life is larger than we'll ever know...

sometimes paper is the only thing that will listen.

everiting is so sucky.. =( my mood can jus be described by my msn display pic hah, even though tt pic was taken las yr, not recentli. when everiting seems to take a deep plunge.. including the so powerful pride n confidence i used to have, there is jus a mist of unhappiness clouding my mind and eyes most of the time. is tt what defines the feeling of standing at e crossroad of Fate's arrangements? on top of the insecurity and fear?