Find the lyrics of this song very nice. This is a 插曲 for the rainie 'ToGetHer' show. Interestingly, the word 'together' is actually formed from 3 words which I never realised till I watch this show. There is this part she said : "why is it when I found someone I like and when I like him, I am still 一个人?" Then, to the person she likes, she says that she is used to 一个人, so leave her alone. Actually the statement just shows that she really hates to be 一个人..

一个人就好

作词/作曲：徐旻铃 编曲：郑楠

街 挤满了欢笑
太不适合 眼泪凑热闹
快跑 快寻找 无人的转角
不优雅时候 一个人最好

爱 说退就退潮
我松开手 回忆却没放掉
未来 不来了 地球 继续绕
躲回温暖的梦 我一个人就好

为什麽 越相信谁能依靠
越换来 又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远 再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说 越踏出世界一脚
越不能 保留住天真微笑
那从今以后
我一个人过 就很好

心 很平静地跳
只是寂寞 潜伏像海啸
突然某一秒 偷袭我眼角
眼泪自己擦掉 我一个人很好

为什麽 越相信谁能依靠
越换来 又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远 再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说 越踏出世界一脚
越不能 保留住天真微笑
那从今以后
我一个人过 就很好

Finally saw his wedding photos today. Wonder why I so kpo sometimes. But alright la, I don't feel anything. I am just curious bah abt who is the final person. I always felt that it is a blessing to have loved someone who also loves you back the same before at least once in your life. Everyone has this 'dream partner' image with certain criteria, but usually will not get what he/she wants. Because even when you meet such a person, there are just no feelings. People you like may not like you and people who like you may not be those you like too. So it requires some kind of affinity and fate bah for two persons to be in love and maybe even for two persons to have known each other before. Though degrees of separation is small, it is still some kinda fate that you run into the person once in your lifetime right?

I am on sick leave again today. Feel damn bad, I better buck up in May onwards. I am getting myself a bad record. Recently, just curious abt why girls can get so desperate sometimes - due to some incidents I heard and things I have been reading abt. I still feel that jing1 chi2 of a woman is important. Because it is an identity of a person as well as a woman. Being too desperate or being too much of a pushover is not the way. If certain things are yours, they will be yours. And I hate catfights. So, I will avoid such women if I ever have to deal with them. If I ever have to deal with such women in my future relationships, I will take it as a real test to the relationship. Real feelings can withstand tests that's what I always feel. But then, in this current world and for myself, I don't think I can experience real feelings anymore. I am referring to real feelings both ways. So... that would mean my future relationships may fall to temptations and third parties? Yeah, maybe. Well, I guess I should change my statement to only real committments to relationships and marriages can withstand these tests.

Sighs, sth is affecting me today I don't know why. I hope I will be alright soon or get over it soon or get a solution soon. I won't fight too much for things nowadays. I shall let it be. Im too tired of it.

What a surprising thing - my Friday night spent at home. On half day mc today. Loss of sleep has led to my irritating ear infection again :(

Don't know why I logged into Friendster today.. it has been ages since I logged in. I was just probably curious abt the same few persons as I always do but there was no change in their profiles. I wonder how they are doing now. For the guy I had my longest relationship with, his profile pic is still that dejected penguin which he put after I suggested the breakup ard 3 yrs ago? Felt a bit sad whenever I see that picture - only I know the meaning. And I still see the testimonial I put there way back like6 yrs ago. I still remember the exact feelings I had writing that testimonial. I ended it with ''hope we will still go out to..... for a long time to come...".That 'long time' was only 3.5 years. When I wrote that, I wasnt sure how long it will be and I know one day I will revisit the page either with happiness with him or revisit the page with some kind of sadness like today. I wonder if he has found the right one in his life and whether he is already married by now. I hope he has a gf or wife by now. I know that he needs one and I wonder if he even remembers anything abt me now. I think he is the logical and practical type. When I have nothing to do with him anymore, there is no good reason to keep in contact -- I guess that's what he think. That is why he refuses to keep in contact with me. But I am not the ungrateful sort. I still will remember the things he has done for me during the 3 yrs plus and the sad and hurting things that happened have already gradually faded away in my mind. Only the happy parts remain in my memory. Sometimes I miss dating a person with that kind of stability. I will only smile when I think of him now. He has taught me the technicals of a relationship while my first love taught me love. I wish my next bf or husband to be will be someone who can drive the relationship well technically in that way. I need someone to be able to steer the ship in the right direction and to move it forward at the right pace. This wasnt an easy task. And that was the reason why my last relationship failed after less than a yr. It was really short, but it was on an accelerated path like wat my bro said. Bro advised me before that hey dont forget this rs is like ur MA prog, on a fast paced route that's why. So less than a yr probably feels like 2 yrs odd which I agree with my bro. Haha yeah, but I guess rs cant take 'MA' paths. I think it requires some level of maturity and experience to do it well. I do not want to be the one steering the ship, I do not want to be the one guiding or mentoring. I just want someone with thoughts and maturity on par with me to do things together on the same note and in e right way.

Actually I have found such people in life before but there is no love at all between me and those people. Hence, I am where I am now.

I realised dating men in their twenties, thirties and forties are all very different experiences. And I think I feel the most comfortable going out with or relating to men in their thirties. It is really comfortable I don't know how to describe. I am very at ease, very myself. With men in their twenties, I usually only exhibit the fun and crazy side of me. With men in their thirties, conversations run deeper in content. Very nice two way traffic and sharing ideals and opinions/experiences. With men in their forties, it was surprisingly comfortable but I will feel more like the person learning and understanding more things i.e. the person with takeaways. But I will feel a bit pressured coz of the need to be poised and got to inhibit that wild side of me. It is hard not to believe what my fortune tellers say isnt it? haha. But still, I believe I can shape my own destiny. So what if I end up with a young chap one day? I can change my destiny and make it work maybe? But I just wonder if it is really possible given my personality. hmmmm.

This is such a sad clip: http://www.cultureunplugged.com/play/1081/Chicken-a-la-Carte. This was the winner video clip of some competition with the theme 'Food, taste and hunger'. It just reminds us of how blessed we are. It's so sad that some people in the world are just not given the same living rights as the rest of the world due to various reasons. And people like us always cant stop complaining abt things around us -- which is hard not to do I admit coz we are humans and humans are never satisfied.

Bump into a fren this morning and we started talking abt the prediction of end of the world. The prediction theories etc was supposed to be come true in like 3 years' time? If it really is 3 years left for us or the world ard us, what will we want and what will we do? Should we still live a good person or live a bad person and do whatever that appear sinful but for all the 'fun' since its gona end anyway? Yah. If this is really the truth, I am sure many of us will change our life goals and wants almost immediately. But seriously, if it is the end in 3 years, I bet I will have lotsa regrets in my life for not doing or experiencing many things I wanted to.

With that said, I do not believe the world will end in 3 years. There may be some effects felt by earth due to whatever reasons mentioned by astrologists but I think what will kill the earth if I see it in my lifetime will be humans i.e. wars. I hope I won't ever see or experience any major war in my lifetime. I really hate wars and I really don't see how wars can be justified in any manner. Everytime I visit those war sites or musuems or read abt them, I feel quite sad. There is so little happiness and sense of acheivement compared to the amt of grief that is felt everywhere.

it's a sad day.

Is it so difficult to follow the heart? Sometimes it is, when you want to be considerate. That's the dilemma I am facing with. Being considerate vs selfishly pursuing what you want for the time being. Coz I wouldnt know what I want to pursue right now will be something I want for life. If it's not, that will hurt people in the process.

I just don't understand why certain feelings can diminish so soon whilst some feelings can stay so long. Feelings that can stay so long only happened once to me I guess. Wonder if I have changed or I just havent met that person. I never want to hurt anyone but why am I hurting so many? How can I believ3 in passion anymore? Or did I become more rational and less emotional over the years? I do not believe in fairy tales anymore - they only exist in my past and these stories have already expired.... haha.

I just find it weird that how come I do not feel that I need anyone. All the friends I talked to all seem to need someone or hope to have someone by them. But how come I do not feel that way? Am I really self-fulfilled in other aspects of my life? I do not think so though. Maybe I am afraid of losing my freedom or afraid of committment? Or am I afraid of the endings? Maybe I hate to see endings.. 2 same hands that used to hold each other can wave bye to the other hand in the end. I don't like that. I would rather keep that person as a friend forever then so I will still get to see him. But once you have broken up before, you will not see him anymore not even as a friend.

I used to think that the largest meaning in life is to find that soul mate you can share your love and tots and everything with. But I seem to have dropped that thought some time ago because I still feel that there is no one I can live without. I only appreciate and keep those little moments when I feel touched..coz these moments lead nowhere. Maybe Im a stupid sucker for these no-end stories haha.

It is april already this year and I feel that I am progressing slow in this yr unlike last year. Maybe I am still trying to recover from the mad rush and events in my life. A little lost.. Looking at few things I want to do yet I have limited time. From taking more exams to taking up certain classes as hobbies to travelling etc and of coz recovering my health. I havent decided which one to give up. Nvm I will focus on health still and maybe postpone exam plans though I really think this yr is ideal to do exams. Maybe I really should give myself a break this yr to get back my original self then go on with exams. One year in life without progress hmmm... very unlike me coz I am always on the ball need to see progress in sth each yr. I shall let health recovery be my valid excuse perhaps.

The other aspects of life I shall leave it n let my heart rule! Though I know I am very apprehensive towards some things recently... I must try and learn to enjoy life. It is too short.