Descartes.. Stroud.. The matrix.. Dream skepticism, radical skepticism just flooded my mind since yesterday when I started writing my paper for my philosophy. Quite interesting though, I was looking at this matrix website
http://whatisthematrix.warnerbros.com/rl_cmp/phi.html while writing. Thinking too much really drives you mad, mabe that explains why philosophers lead such unhappy and unsatisfied lives.
Well, I had a great party las night at Phuture celebrating my bdae even though the great lot disappeared at some point in time. Thanks to all of u guys for being there. Only pity was that when the music was SO great, more than half the lot disappeared, leaving mi with no dance partner =( Coz she puked quite earli in e nite n shes gone. Hey ger u made me so lonely haha. Must really go another time where the whole grp stays till the end together. Ahh. Glad that Im still keeping my record of no touching of cigarettes and no puking thusfar haha. Maybe I din drink enough. Only got high n nearly drunk though my fren said I was drunk. Jus lost a few senses la. Shall drink until I puke one day perhaps lol.
Still feeling abit giddy from last night haha. Oh well, weird moods nowadays sometimes. But really glad that I still have friends. And I really do mean friends. I guess they are the most important part of life and I really appreciate this fact even more after becoming single. Life is not just about that guy you love or about some relationship you are having with some guy. When I was attached, I din have much time with friends, only about 20% or less of my personal time was spent with friends. Now having 100% of personal time to friends is a different kind of bliss which I hardly experienced in e past.
Have this sudden urge of dancing sth slow barefooted on a big grass patch under the stars. Minus the mosquitoes haha. I dont think I have done that before, except probably in the dreams which made me feel as though I have experienced it before. Shucks the philosophy stuff better dun come into my mind now. I remembered standing on a stage in front of the big green patch before with no one in front of me except a friend. That feels really good I dunno why. Drama instincts? Oh woah and that was 6 years back I realised. Ahh that was prob why I went into the performing arts area.
Kinda afraid of graduating man even though thats what ive been looking forward to since dunno when. Some kinda uncertainty just overwhelms me at times. This is just marking the end of the 1st quarter of my life perhaps. Eventually I will see light I believe =)
Came back from HSBC I-banking and I know im not cut out for it. Even if i have the passion, I don't have that energy, that stamina to just live that kinda life, if you call it life. Life basically = work. And he is right, in i banking, the environment and team is so important because they will become your life. Oh well, in such an environment, plus its male dominated.. hmm. Like what he said its as bad as "i better call my fren at 2am to remind them that i exist else i will lose my frens within weeks or months" , "if u r not attached, get attached now because there is no chance n no time for you to do so after u r into in", "n when u get attached, get an air stewardess, coz she will be flying all the time and she wun complain that you are not seeing her (coz u will be working nearli throughout the week, with no sleep)". Hillarious, everyone laughed.
Ok so what? Seeing all the familiar faces at those invites, hearing those competitive stuff over and over again just disheartened me. Demoralised. Im like speck in the middle of nowhere. Cant head up, yet dun feel like looking down too much. But now im gona just take anything that comes my way if anything does come. Kinda sux when u jus apply apply apply and hear nothing. When others are already going for interviews. Oh well. Maybe I should just aim to be a tai tai. But its just so not me la. Tai tai life? Nayz. I like life with challenges and excitement, but not too extreme of coz. I need to carve sth out for myself. Maybe hmm, till I have a family yeah. Ahhh. SIGH!!
Happened to be browsing my fren's blog and certain things she wrote jus remind mi of the good old days we had in JC and in sec sch. Those times of innocence, fun, freedom with the bits and pieces of bitter whining, painful relationships n those hugs that give mi so much consolation and assurance. Cant believe that we are all in our final yr of undergrad studies when it seems like yesterday that we are taking Os or As..
Saw her entry on first love which I believe really describes what many experience because what she had exprienced herself actually describes exactly how I have felt before too. She ended with"what about you?" and well, this is how i feel. Shall take parts of what she said (coz I feel the same way) and add some lines to it:
Some say that one can never forget his or her first love,
How true is this? Why is this so?
Just because it is the first time we are experiencing it?
Or is it because it is the most intense that we have ever felt?
Does it mean we will not feel that way ever again,
Or do we refuse to believe that we can actually feel that way again?
Feeling of first love,
Is sth that cant be put into jus words.
The first time you totally go insane over someone,
Heartbeat racing so fast that you can feel that its gona explode,
A terrible longing to see someone,
Closing your eyes imagining you can hear him/her breathe beside you,
And even if its a second glimpse,
you'll feel that sacrificing everything is worth it.
Seeing that person makes you feel over the rainbow,
Makes your head spins,
Makes you feel lost for words,
Makes you feel that you have melted.
The crazy first times that you will actually stare at your hp for hours
Waiting for just that message,
And when it beeps, you jumps and wishes for that special name to appear.
A phone call can make you smile a way you never did
And you just cant stop smiling
You run around the whole island just to buy his/her fav item
Perhaps just to keep in your drawer for years to come.
You fall in love with the things he/she likes
And the way you behave, you talk, even your likings
Are influenced by him.
For the first time you really wish time can freeze
When you used to think thats just sth said in e stories or movies.
You have never felt so complete,
N u didnt know the meaning of complete before he/she came into your life
And you never knew you could feel this way
Before you met him/her.
Even years later,
You can still jump at that special name,
At that number of his
Feel emotional when you hear a particular song
Feel nostalgic when you flip the photos or read your diaries or look at the gifts
You would still like to hear news of him/her
Who he/she is hanging around
Feeling a little jealous or bitter of the person beside him/her
You may dream of that person still
Waking up feeling empty and missing him/her
You feel happy knowing that he/she is happy.
For those whose other halves are the first loves
They are lucky and perhaps they are meant to be
Though you may hear them complain
Is that really called love, since Ive only jus that one relationship tt whole life
Could I be missing out sth even more intense?
While those who lost their first loves
Wish that these 'first loves' have appeared in their lives much later
So that they would be the last and the one
Spending the rest of their lives with you.
Despite the pain, agony, misery the loss of first love may cause
It will just be embedded in your heart, in your body forever
And I wonder
Does that mean no one else could make you fall in love that way again
Or could there be another way of being in love
With a different kind of intensity and special feeling
That makes you want to sink into something, someone, somehow..
Well.. to those who are in love, cherish the feeling of being in love, falling in love, and being loved by someone you love. It is something difficult to come by, so remember every second of it, and you will not regret. I did not regret =)
"I'd cut everything out and see how long I could go before I had to eat. At one point, I managed five days. I read about a girl who ate tissues to fill herself up, so once I tried to force Kleenex down my throat. But not only was I still hungry, I nearly choked on a ball of tissue."
- Billi Piper, on what she's done to stay thin
How sad can life be? Just because of the word beauty. Its kinda funny, as I was browsing magazines and stuff, the number of ads, products, articles on surgery and all sorts of artificial ways to make urself sexier and beautiful is just uncountable. And I cant remember any single one that made an impact on me. It seems like beauty n surgery is a never-outta fashion-trend from lipo, botox, funni injections that pull ur skin or shape ur body to all those silicone implants and all those weird things stuffed into ur body. So that the you + plastic (or whatever material) = sexy and beautiful. Perhaps its just media and those male magazines that create this illusion that those images are what thats desired by both women and men, and women just chiong all out to achieve those effects. So that they can feel confident and attractive to men. Some women said they do that so that their husbands won't get seduced or fall into temptations outside. Quite sad when I saw that actually and especially when I know that cases of men doing such tings are not uncommon. Somehow men can just be attracted to that artificial beauty, even in magazines.
Yeah of course there is nothing wrong with being a person gone under knives before. But is it really worth it? Maybe it is, if u r in hollywood or sth (maybe thats why they are in hollywood), but as normal people? As someone normal, perhaps not. If you need to go under knives to get confidence and attraction and even love from ur man, its realli a sad case. And for the latter, u can dump that man.
Well, I remembered someone who loves to say this: Beauty is a flower by which nature devours. Why go against nature then? We are all humans.
