im sooooo freaking tired right now.. lookin at fin statements since evenin?? n its not smooth... y so screwed.. ahhh i feel like screaming.. hah.

plus i haven reali get down to writing that email to him.. so tied down with work how to settle it? suddenli it became a baggage to mi. plus some pple ard mi are askin if im sure thats wat i want.. n they dun hope to c such a sad ending for us.. makes mi dread ending all this..

saw this pretty beautiful: You will probably never understand or believe in Fate until you meet 'The One'.

Been reali overwhelmed with lotsa thoughts these couple of wks until my mind is complaining of fatigue.. Decided to let things go their way and free myself from everything. Including letting go of a relationship that has hung on for three n a half yrs. Not easy to come to this mindset n decision, went through lotsa mind battles.. not only once or twice but almost infinite times during these few yrs. I feel like an idiot sometimes and nw i feel like im a bastard. Shudnt I just follow what I felt there and then instead of trotting on like a threefooted horse sometimes.. I feel so sorry and guilty for being indecisive.. Really. nw, wats e best way to brk the news?

I really do not know if that is the best thing to do for both parties but I guess any decision is a gamble. Well, many tings in life are gambles anyway right? Its always "U never know"... u sometimes will never know whether sth will cause regret till u look bac some time later.. Now i gota adjust to a brand new life and shall not freeze and lock myself in that jaded mindset anymore.. But of coz whether I can reali achieve it is another reality altogether.. feels kinda weird.. after all i haf been living a different kinda lifestyle for these yrs in uni.. adaptation is a new word in my life now.. hopefulli someone right will come n pick mi up somedae *forced a smile* but the ironic fact is that deep inside mi im afraid to have anione getting close to mi coz im so so so afraid of getting hurt.

Is it time to start at least my first piece of work now since ive not been doin aniting for the last 2 wks since sch has started.. i was never so slack before.. i nid the power of concentration now.. n i guess need some mental/emotional support.

n oh yah went to c doc abt my fall n guess wat, he said that my hand will be scarred!!!! it jus made my day worst. and when i was at the hp shop jus now that salesguy was staring at my hand as though its some gruesome sight hes never seen in his life. ARGH. yes my beautiful hand is gone. =( the hand that even nearli got mi my bread n butter now is gone. (hand ads) can life suck more than this? i shall cool down n forget abt it for awhile huh.

aniwae to my fren who took the quote frm one of my previous posts " Men are like government bonds, they take so long to mature" *cheers!* thats oso my fav quote from that whole long list..

-looking forward to having sth to look forward to soon-

argh was tryin to listen to my philo webcast.. but kinda hard to focus.. mabe i jus dun have enough interest in it.. my hand n leg still hurt... from e stupid big fall i had on fri.. ugly patches on the back of my hand.. once it touches water, skin ard will swell n turn red n i cant move my joints.. n this pain is especialli so when im bathing.. so much difficulty washin my hair! reali hate it... but i guess i have high pain tolerance.. so jus bite my teeth more twice a dae in e bathrm.. wonder when it will recover though.. everitime im in pain, i jus tell myself 'this is not the worst pain, so be glad'. sounds stupid but helps mi a little. n i jus wonder abt labour pain.. it must be much worst right? *shudders*

kinda boring sunday.. ydae has not too boring a dae though.. k lunch with my jp frens den project meeting.. den mahjong session with my frens.. e dinner is like the best part of the day.. coz i ate my fav oyster omelette, tt particular stall's noodles and bbq chicken wings at 85.. hehe.. luking forward to stingray there next haha.

well.. ydae mornin i was reali upset actuali.. seeing n hearing some tings.. since nw we are in a either a real break up or pre brk up stage.. i shall give myself the space that i wanted.. n time tt i wanted to do wat i want.. too bad theres school work otherwise i would spend my sunday afternoon off at borders or kino now.. and have a night of wine. recentli kinda unstable emotional state which i dislike.. sometimes i duno if im reali happy. i tink i got to slowly adjust to this stage.. and hopefully i can think through things in a proper manner.

went to ai qing hai that dae. fri nite. it was wonderful night. love the second batch of singers. i think they are good.. and their duets are reali great! she said at one pt that its reali hard to find a singer to match you in a duet niceli n shes happi to find him to be able to be so matching.. tt was wat occured to mi too before she even said it.. i reali tink its a joy to have pple so matchin to sing duets with you.. and also to have frens doing those music stuff together with similar passion. its reeali a great feeling when pple outside dun reali noe wat u r doin n y u r so overjoyed when u all achieve some small ting. so i kinda missed my ge chuang in rj.

well jus thinkin abt sth abt passion.. sometimes you cant jus do things that u have passion for in ur life.. simple tings boil down to career.. so is that why its called life or is that why that is not called 'living' your life? well.. depends on perspectives i guess. there must be a reason we chose to do wat we are doing, so that reasoning must have come out from some debate in the mind that has the postive n negative sides.. so there is a tradeoff.. no matter what you choose to do in the end.. jus that often we would complain abt those 'negative' pts when we start doin wat we chose.. mabe the same ting could be applied to relationships? depends on what you c that is more impt tt led u to choose tt someone. u gota live with the gd n bad sides of him. but sometimes priority is one thing, impacts are another. though u may prioritize certain aspects to be more impt the other aspects may in actual fact have a greater impact on ur general happiness.

i read a bk.. it says that someone once said that a person is made n then split into 2 persons.. n hence they are looking for their other 'halves'.. mabe that s why ur other half sometimes may seem that he or she jus cant click with you? coz he or she is the other part of u which is separated frm ur own half body. but somehow sth must link n complement the 2 halves.. ermz.. i sound like im talkin a little bit in a non sensical way huh. well never mind.. saw sherry argov's new bk in kino luks like a gd bk for women =)

saw this reali funni thing:

Men are Like . . . (PG)

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right thefirst time, you can walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money,they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're notquite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and theyusually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm andcan keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word theysay.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and neverhave enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you cantake them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction,but thats about it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Curling Irons, they're always hot andthey're always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Cement, after getting laid they takealong time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long tomature.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on onceyou get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what todo and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not allthat bright.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the firstsign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are alreadytaken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremelysmall.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for alittle while.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up whenthere's food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Snow Storms, you never know when they'recoming, how many inches youll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheapand unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw theylose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bananas, the older they get, the lessfirm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Newborn Babies, they're cute at first,but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you canstill see right thru them.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave noring.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Laxatives, they irritate the shit out ofyou.

todae skipped sch.. go out n slack.. haha.. i reali hope i will get started on work when theres work.. so scared i cant go back to the schooling mood.

read some tings nice todae.. a guy said to a ger (cant remember the exact words but sth like this): "When it is a one sided love, it is like heaven if u are nt greedy, but if u r greedy it is like hell.. I fell in love with u and as I became more greedy my life has became agonized and painful.."but of coz at this pt.. they are already both in love..

well recentli saw few instances whereby couples are brkin up.. some broke.. some hangin on.. some sitting on the wall (like mi).. when a couple is brkin up, is it right for another person to go out with ani one of them.. i was posed some kinda qn like this.. esp when the ger in the brkin up couple is willingli accepting a guy's 'pursuit'.. is that guy doin e right ting by pursuing her? eventuali if she brks up, will he be implicated? shud he feel guilty?

hmm.. well.. let mi tink..actuali i was in some kinda situation like this before.. shall not mention e details though.. hmm if the couple is reali brkin up, whether the guy tts goin after her exisits or not doesnt matter.. its the ger's choice after all that she chose to go out with the guy n not turnin him down for ani moves... n lets sae they reali get together after she brks up.. pple may luk at them in a negative light saein tt is he the third party... but well, a couple together like this jus needs more courage.. to withstand all these unfavorable comments.. pple who noe them well will noe tt its not true... in relationship matters.. theres jus no right or wrong.. no one outside the relationship are good enuff to judge pple in the relationship..n its never wrong in ani way for someone to fall in love with someone who happens to be attached..

to reali haf a rs that lasts.. its realli a feat. to get into a rs is hard..to maintain the rs is hard and to sustain e rs is even harder... to mi though love is the fundamental factor that shud be holdin two persons together.. sometimes that is not enough too.. so im reali envious of those couples that are in love that can grow old together n still be in love.. its reali not that easy. las summer when i was workin at cs, almost everi mornin i will see this old couple.. walkin citylink up the escalator to one raffles link.. the old man will hold her hands all the way n wave to her goodbye n see her leave (for work i presume) n then turn back.. so sweet....

recently jus like this old song a lot.. besides playing the hao xin fen shou the whole 2 daes.. hao xin fen shou makes mi feel like crying..

Because of you
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

watched Rain's special on tv yesterdae... so inspired by him.. n i reali respect him after it.. noeing how much efforts n how hard he try walkin his difficult road before coming to wat he is todae.. i reali view him in a veri differnt light nw.. den ydae scv was showing full house episodes 1 n 2 (which rain is acting).. n i decided to rewatch the show again.. when i hear that song 't think i' by byul playin in the backgrd.. gives mi a sweet feeling..i was watchin tt show n so obsessed with that song at the start of my jp internship this summer..

todae went to jb.. nt too bad.. though nothin much to buy.. bot a few items onli haha.. but do feel a little better when i was there.. away from tings.. but once im bac.. i duno.. was shoppin ard with my cousin.. he oso like quite cham in his rs that is not a rs yet.. from msia he still wil tink of buyin tings for her everitime he c gers stuff... poor ting.. coz the ger actuali has a bf.. but alwiz luk for him.. aiyo complicated..

was talkin to qy n robert.. din even noe tt i sae sth abt my down mood in my email to jcc until robert told mi.. robert u sounded quite sad when i talked to u too.. hope u will get ur tings sort out n yu guo tian qing soon =)

*sobz*

好心分手

曲:雷颂德词:黄伟文
演唱:卢巧音,王力宏

(女):是否很惊讶讲不出说话
没错我是说你想分手吗
曾给你驯服到就像绵羊
何解会反咬你一下你知吗

(男):也许该反省不应再说话
被放弃的我应有此报吗
如果我曾是个坏牧羊人
能否再让我试一下抱一下

(女):回头望伴你走 从来未曾幸福过
(男):恨太多没结果 往事重提是折磨
(女):下半生陪住你 怀疑快乐也不多
(男):被我伤让你痛
(女):好心一早放开我 从头努力也坎坷 统统不要好过
(男):为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手 问你是否原谅我
(女):若注定有一点苦楚
不如自己亲手割破
(男):回头吧 不要走 不要这样离开我
恨太多没结果 往事重提是折磨
(女):下半生 陪住你 怀疑快乐也不多
没有心别再拖
好心一早放开我 从头努力也坎坷 统统不要好过
(男):为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手 问你是否原谅我
(女):若勉强也分到不多
不如什么也摔破

(男):好心分手每天播
(女):可知歌者也奈何
(女):难行就无谓再拖
好心一早放开我 从头努力也坎坷 统统不要好过
(男):为何唱着这首歌
为怨恨而分手 问你是否原谅我
(女):若注定有一点苦楚
不如自己亲手割破

ok took a cold shower to make myself feel better.. jus love running cold shower over the head n face for a real loong time when im blue.. tinkin abt marriages.. are they reali necessary.. i used to think that cohabitation is jus as good.. jus feel happi when u r together.. n break up when u r no longer happi.. but gettin into my current rs few yrs bac make mi tink tt marriage is necessary.. mabe his mindset influenced mine.. but to tink abt marriage now is kinda scary to mi now.. for the past yrs we were tog i tot i was ready for it.. but now i realised i am not ani close to ready right now.. is it becoz i have changed as i move on with life these yrs or is it becoz his age n his hopes to do so makes mi pressured till i feel scared? i duno.. mabe its a combi of both. it makes mi wana drift away from the rs.. makes mi look towards freedom.. but of coz i believe the fundamental probs are still there.. and the whole ting abt marriage is jus a catalyst...

well how mani couples get married becoz they reali love each other? not mani.. mani get together of various other reasons.. den wat for hope to get that piece of paper to tie yourself down.. i c mani women rushing in all sorts of funni ways to get that piece of paper when they see their biological clock ticking.. and it results in so mani marriages that are done in a rush? hah.. everitime i c a woman doin tt.. its kinda scary.. i start to think whther i will be one of those some yrs down the road.. mabe now im still young.. im nt tt worried.. but i noe of a few female frens who are worried now already.. some frens they are reali envious of mi n my steady rs.. alwiz askin when im getting married.. until the last gatherin i had 1 or 2 mths bac.. i actualli had to smile it off in response to qns like this.. dun wana spoil the table's mood when everione is talkin abt happi tings.. like 'we plan to get married when blah blah blah'.. im tinkin to myself inside 'actuali i plan to be single now' haha. perhaps my rs has seemed so stable all this while bah..

well.. if pple are reali in love when they get married.. no couples love each other the same way the other does i guess... as a result.. someone shud be givin more than the other n someone shud be feeling more tired and tong ku in a rs than the other... if tts e case why am i still seeking someone to give mi that exceptional rs rite.. jus stick with some guy tt can give u sth proper in the tangible form.. close one eye n live ur life.. haha tt was wat i tot i cud accept. nahz.. mabe its not tt simple.. being loved can be an agonizing ting.. its not the first time i realise it.. den why am i trying it again.. but loving someone can also be veri agonizing n painful as well.. so why am i turnin away from being loved.. see.. thats the irony.. mabe i jus cant release my heart to anione even after so mani yrs.. is it reali so? im not too sure.. i noe tt im jus afraid of being hurt.. even now. i dun like to get too close to anyone lest i get hurt.. of coz in my current rs i was more open n i tink i reali tried all i can to release it.. but i jus cant or mabe to a veri small extent.. i sometimes hate myself for tt.. n i tot with time i can do it.. but nw im tired.. so tired n dejected with myself that im gona lock my heart up again. perhaps tt explains my current feeling of numbness.

at first i tot that hey dun be silly wishin to feel certain tings u had felt before.. perhaps certain tings can onli be experienced onli at certain phases of lives.. n certain tings jus dun happen animore past that phase.. n by not feelin it perhaps doesnt mean that u r lackin sth.. its jus that there are probabli expressions in other forms.. n u dun realise it.. n dun wish to acknowledge that.. talked to mm before abt this.. but i told him..but those tings do happen n do arise even now at my so called different phase.. then wat does that mean.. i wasnt lukin for sth that is unachievable at other phases. that can still be present at ani time of my life.. but i duno whether to go on lukin for it or i shud jus give up.. i tink no one will understand wat this paragraph is referrin to except mm haha. so do u tink i shud follow my heart when im not even sure where it is leading mi?

ahh im damn bored n sian.. wana do work oso cant get down to ani.. lost motivation n concentration to do aniting.. i jus feel like either playin squash or dance till i drop or have a quiet evening of wine. hah.. wat contrastin tings i wish to do or dun mind doin.. jus weird mood todae. mabe clubbin n drinkin is a way for mi to forget tings tt explains y ive been clubbin more frequentli this summer hah.. considerin tt i hardli even club in the past.. feel like goin out yet duno who to go out with.. arghz.

nothin seems to interest mi nowadaes =(

im in a confused state of mind... is break up reali the solution.. wud things be better after i brk up or tings mite be better in e ling term if i hang on? am i doin sth on impulse...? or shud i sae i reali finalli c the lite.. facin reality after running away from it for so long.. time is tickling n im feelin the pressure.. i duno wat to do next.. im on the verge of throwing a dice to help mi decide wat to do next..

i realised nowadaes e more cheerful i appear the more upset im inside.. its so funni.. but i am reali laughin when i do.. or is that my mask.. sheesh the philosophy stuff is getting into mi haha. when i luk at myself from a third persons view.. i reali tink so.. is that my new transformation.. i dun remember me being lidat in the past.. when i was upset its will b damn obvious from the way i do tings.. nw it seems the opposite.. ahh nvm.. this doesnt matter..

sigh i jus wished to be left alone, with some time n space of my own.. but sch has kicked in... though not in full force yet.. how i wish time can jus stop for a while.. =(

something abt 'happiness' i read todae... as e usual thing goes onli when u lose it u realise its happiness.. n it was said that happiness is in all of our hands.. its just whether we cherish it. n whether happiness exists depends on one's attitude.

well.. jus sth to share. hmm dun reali agree with the ting abt when u lose it den u realise that is happiness. i believe there are pple who reali noe they are holding on to happiness but nevertheless still lose it *sad smile*

was a boring dae for mi. and another 'feel-empty' dae again. my first free dae since sch started.. thinking abt nothing.. cut away a quarter of my hair.. feel lighter.. tot it will clear away some of my troubles hah. wat a stupid thought tt i harbour. but ok la.. gives mi a more refreshed mood though. lookin at the couple bears i got from e wedding dinner i went las time, i jus smiled sadly again.

went to slot some fotos tt i took into my new album.. not enuff.. need more albums.. den i asked my dad over to my pc while i share my photos with him.. suddenli feel tt time with family is precious n i hardli spend time with my dad n mum.. so decided to use this foto sharing session to 'enhance' our bonds. can talk n luff abt tings.

aftn was talkin with a fren D. realised we noe each other for 8 yrs le. woah. hes 5 yrs older than mi n i knew him when i was 14. din tink the frenship wud come so far though. i hope it will alwiz remain platonic as it has always been. at least tts how i c it haha. i love such platonic relationships with male frens.. n i onli have veri few of such frens. i wonder hows my other fren S. he was hurt ydae.. by sth his ex wrote in the blog.. despite breakin up for more than 1 yr le.. wat a silly boy.. but hes as jumpy as he was 10 yrs ago!

got a fone call... come back another time..

It's not jus today i wanted to post.. tried to post in my photo website the other day.. somehow din continue.. dun ask mi y.. the last time i wrote online was back in 2002?

ya 2002 was a bad year for mi. been so long since my broadest smile bac then.. n been so long since my worst tears bac den too.

yeah nw im feelin abit lost. abit down. abit tired. love is like a vicious circle.. once started u will never get out of it.. even when love is not present in its true pure form.. it exists somewhr in ur life, in ur mind or heart in other forms.. could be hatred could be sorrows could be some hidden pain..

but right now... the present me has already given up on love. why search for love? why search for that kind of love, to be specific. i have love present in my life.. in some form.. but not the form that i desired.. i do not love anione in that way i desire. theres no intensity, no depth, no craziness which so defines hf. wat is hf without all that.. but well.. mabe at a certain phase in life its jus like tt? no idea..

how mani pple reali could find true love or experience true love? some pple probabli think they are in love when they probabli have nt yet met wat is true love.. some pple jus live their lives looking for this ting called love.. wat abt mi? it used to be such an impt part of my life.. i experienced a few kinda emotions for different periods of times.. n i believe i have experienced wat i wud define as love before. n ever since then or ever since i lost e person tt made mi feel tt way, i have given up on looking for that feeling ever in my life again. sounds sad huh? jaded? perhaps..why so?

to me.. i believe in this sth i read: a woman meets 3 types of person in her life. one is someone that loves her the most in her life, one is someone that she loves the most in her life and last one is someone she eventually settles down with in her life. more often than not, the 3 persons are unfortuunately not the same person. for me, i feel veri fortunate that at this pt of life, the first 2 persons are the same person. n these few yrs, with that in mind, i tot i wudnt wana ask for more. but nw, as i approach a certain phase, when certain tings jus cant be avoided, i reali wish for those 3 persons in my life to be the same. n i reali how hard it is. at first ...i tried to do a little compromise with my heart.. after a while.. i realised at times it does feel miserable.. mabe i nid to reach a even later phase to come to terms with that.. i probabli jus need time.. mabe by then.. i realise watever thats impt to mi now are no longer impt in future...

but well whatever it is.. i kinda appreciate wat has happened in my life before.. those yrs bac.. when i smiled n cried genuineli. besides leaving me with the mani diary books at home, my wonderful collection of songs written.. i tink its so part of mi that wat i do wat i sae nowadaes sometimes are direct or indirect results of those.

sometimes 2 persons in love just have to walk away from each other. n yet they remain in love. sounds sad eh? well suddenli i remembered wat he said tt time knowing that the fact applies to us.. sth that came under such a circumstance tt made both cried.. i still remember it goes: the future remains unknown, may or may-not our paths to cross, lost love in eternal frost. to me, it is beautiful esp it was a sudden on the spot penning down of his thoughts. melts mi. i remembered i said sth like this oso (in response to sth): "perhaps a beautiful book for mi starts with the chapter when i knew u.." well it reali was not only true in that sense, but also true literally oso. haha. when i first met him, i remembered crossing those traffic lights den at nite and i remembered the sky. i went hm tt nite n wrote in my diary sth like this "the person i met todae feels kinda special.wonder what will happen in future, will his name still appear again ever in my next entry?" sth like this.. n i was so carefree then. haha.. e future reali holds e unknown. his names jus made up all of my remaining diaries. reminds mi of the guang liang;s song: dou shi ni.

he hasnt written poems for lonng time, jus like i havent written songs for a long time. tt dae, walking down the same escalator that we walked so so mani yrs ago.. i felt nothing. only till i went bac home, made me feel nostalgic. just a little boy..no more of tt in the past. more like relieved that im out of everything. feeling nothing for no one now.

feel like singing this song (a song i used to love n sing in rg): "sometimes i wonder, if ive made a wrong step somewhere, as times dun seem as good as they have been before. Its not so hard then, to want to lay down and cry......."

i realised my entry ended up with my mind flashin back a little. nice to look back at. colorful pages. colors with a heavy price to pay for though.

havent missed anyone in a loooooong time. i hope i wun forget how to miss someone.