It's been a few days, 4 days to be exact, since I have (unofficially) graduated =) Still remember my last 2 days of going to sch on bus 95. I think those two times were my first times in my 4 yrs of nus life that I noticed the flowers on my way to school. I have always find the stretch of bus journey boring with only lines and lines of trees. I guess it is the mood or state of mind that determines whether someone notices the beautiful things ard us admidst the other bad stuff. A fast 4 years. Only have a little tinge of regret for not taking part in more things when I was in uni. Too slack, too lazy, too tied down by work and my past relationship. As I took 95 passing this particular bend/junction, tot of one of e drives thru there and I was holding flowers? or isit a plant? I cant really remember, but I know at that point of time, the only thing on my mind was school work or tests. Maybe I am a very work oriented person, or maybe relationship has already taken a back seat subconsciously. Yah so many times I chose to ignore e rankings of most important things to me. Maybe it is my loss of hope in finding that love, or reviving that old dream.
I was reading a book recently. And the main idea is probably this: 爱情总在患得患失时最美;如果没有开始,也永远不会消逝. Which I really agree with. Maybe at this point of time. But definitely I agree with that first part. Inside this novel, there is this character who is in love with 2 men or rather have 2 boyfriends. According to her and her other female friends, they say there is no perfect man or even a good man, thus there is a need to have more than one men. Two 70% good men can then give some form of security and it is never secure to love one man wholeheartedly. Kinda interesting and I think it is especially true that it is never secure to love just one man. It's like putting all eggs into one basket, one day when he leaves or when he starts to turn to a new girl, it will really destroy a woman's life? hahaha suddenly tot of 'diversification', lol, can love be diversified? haha.
Recently I don't really feel happy coz sometimes I feel pressure from that person I think I am feeling for. Yah, Im kinda contradictory, when I cant love I complain/fear I wun be able to love again. When I do, I am afraid to be hurt so I refuse to allow myself to sink in and to start a relationship. I think I am feeling exactly that insecurity from loving someone wholeheartedly as described in e book. But of coz, that insecurity could be probably induced or temporary, I just need to walk thru this dark stretch of road before I regain my optimism or courage to love and be loved. And also, it is very sad when the person whom u love dun tink that u are tt great or desirable compared to other pple ard (often better) who wish to have me. Its like heyyy u think u are holding on to someone not that treasurable or tt lack of qualities (esp compared to so called other gers)? And yet he is of coz not the best guy ard me. Wat an irony. As a result sometimes I would drift off. coz I just dun feel appreciated as much as I should be. My previous bf was oso a guy like that, how sad right. Guys are probably all like that, they will think the best of the gers they cant get; but once they got them, they dun tink that highly of her and start to notice supposedli better and more attractive gers elsewhere. So where is that deserving guy? Haaaaa.
It's so true that as we grow up, we desire simplicity more than before. It's kinda scary to be 23 years old or at least turning 23 within the year. As working life starts, time is gona pass even faster. Afraid that work takes up so much of our lives that we forget what is it we want in life. Is it just happily passing each day, or saving enough money to buy a hse for ownself, or getting up that corporate ladder etc etc... Eventual goal in life for me probably is still to find someone I am willing to sacrifice career for coz it's hard for me to give up career for someone. But this is not sth I can get if I work for it, coz such things can only be achieved by accidental chances.
I am still wondering whether his and my path crossed by a twist of fate? It was such an accident. For the second person in my life, Im getting butterflies in stomach again. So unexpected, so weird. I just want to hold on to the moments and passing every moment as though it's e last. Because I do not want to start and do not want to face the end of the path. Coz hes too much like mong. I roughly can guess how I will feel if in a relationship with himbah.
