My mood has been slightly better recently no idea why. I can feel that I am starting to live in the present. Few wks ago, I took out ming's 21st bdae present for me which was the book 'the present'. He wrote a note to me asking me to stop brooding abt the past I still rem. Somehow that book still didnt help me out of the moodiness and confusion I was in. Only till recently when I really cherish all the moments I am spending with people..regardless of whether I am eating, talking, drinking, dancing.. it's so good. Maybe I am afraid of losing these moments and afraid that they won't appear again in my life. So I treasure the moments and remember them. I know I will miss them one day if they do not reappear or if these people leave my life.

Few yrs ago I wrote that I am back at square one. Now after these few yrs I am writing that I am back at square one also. But for these 2 times, the starting points are different. And the phase in terms of matters of the heart is different too. Few yrs ago, I walked back to the state where I was depressed. Now I walk back to the new start, where I want to move on into sth fresh. I know that it's god that brings me back for some reason. And I hope god will show me the way. I dont know what path I will be choosing next, whether it is correct or wrong. I just hope whatever path I choose, it will be a natural decision. It will be from the heart.

Seriously I am afraid of heartbreak, I am afraid of facing those problems I have been facing. I am afraid of facing those rs problems and traumas again. I dunno who is the one that will eventually walk the aisle with me or if there will be that special moment in my life. So I decided some time back that I just want to cherish whichever person that gives me my present happiness. Even one day if the person leaves, those moments are real and can never be erased. I will keep them in my heart. Only recently whatever I do I know that they are genuinely from the heart. I hope pple around me can feel it. I enjoy walking that long stretch of road back home nowadays thinking of the different pple that walked that path with me and recalling the different mes that were part of my growing up.

In the hk show i watched, they say a guy will give a girl 4 rings in her whole life. It represents the 4 phases - courtship, proposal, engagement, marriage. So sweet. Just watched the 17th episode it is so sad and I cant find 18th episode on youtube.

Very tiring these days. Work has piled up. Energy is drained. Im losing sleep this week agn. Frm the start of the wk till nw. I cant wait for the long weekend at least there is sth to look forward to. Ydae was another day of workin late. It felt so lonely working late alone. I dont mind working late but I hate working and eating late alone. Luckily I run into my ex colleague and he brought me to the sentosa facing front of Vivo to just accompany me. That place used to be empty and quite a shack. I used to have nice memories there. But the whole building and everything is gone.

Having no partner isnt such a bad thing. I will have so much more time to myself and people I want to be with. N also more time to my passions. It is probably hard for my character to be with somebody? Always don't feel that I needed anyone. After so many yrs I still feel the same. I spoke to a gerfren and asked her if she feels this way too. Coz she's a pretty strong and independent person also with lotsa own burdens. Then she said no and that she actually needs somebody all along just that she cant find. Then I ask myself again do I really not need anyone? Maybe I just havent found the person I cannot live without. I only found people that I can live with. But come on.. I gota be practical right? That is unless I fall in love again. Can I? Do I? Have I? Will I?

Spoke to one of my ex suitors just few days ago. He got back with his ex gf and I congratulate him in finding his love. But I got disappointed when he told me the reason is he gave up in love and he is ready to get married and want to get married. So to him a person that roughly shares the same outlook as him in life is fine. Maybe eventually most couples are like that?

I think in these few yrs I will see people I know moving around different people's lives like jigsaw pieces and then fitting together for various kinda reasons. N that's how knots are tied. I was just naive in the past. Everytime I see people getting married, I have this overwhelming feeling of happiness and I will be extremely touched. Because I used to think there is only one reason for marriage. But obviously reality is not the case.

And it is so common that after a girl has bid goodbye to someone in her life and afterwards realise that that person is who she wants. I just saw it ard me and in the dramas Ive been watching recently. The girl may walk away with some other guy, may get married etc.. but yrs later the girl can realise that after all, who she wants to be with is that guy she hurt before yrs ago. As for e guy, he usually would have moved on and will not accept the girl when she comes back into his life again. So sad. It is so ironic when it appears that it is the girl that has moved on with new pple yet she is the one that walks one whole round back to the guy that she once hurt. As for the guy, he was in the circle and as the ger walks away, he may initially appear to be the one that has not moved on..but in a short period of time, he has walked away with no more desire to be with the ger. N he may be already decided to be with someone else by then. Such a heartache. I experienced it before so I know :) It is so painful. But I did not let the guy know that I actually like him after those 2 yrs passed. It was also the first time I felt how it is like to be secretly in love with somebody and I cant do anything, cant say anything.

I was just watching a documentary abt the Land of Mosuo. It is one of the last matriarchal societies. Sex is practised freely. People get together lived together and can part anytime. Even when they have a kid. And men are treated as a procreation tool. Quite an interesting culture. But they interview this woman that was walked out by a guy..she was very upset but she accepted it as a matter of fact even though the woman knows that he left her for another woman. Hmm I wonder if it is a difficult place for women or men though women are supposed to rule.

Addiction to Lucky by Jason Mraz recently. It's been weeks and Im still playing the song few times a day. Really sweet song that makes me close my eyes and dream. I imagined a wedding with a guy playing this song on guitar...etc etc. Beautiful and romantic.

Liang Jing Ru's new album is also very very nice - particularly like 2 songs "SHU YU" and "MEI YOU RU GUO". For the second song I like the verses that go: 如果我说 爱我没有如果 错过就过 你是不是会难过 若如果拿来当借口 那是不是有一点弱 如果我说 爱我没有如果 真的爱我 就放手一搏 还想什么 还怕什么 快牵起我的手. This song is done in an R&B style, pretty nice.. though the middle part's lyrics are not really written with that great techniques. These 2 starting verses are really nice and there is this line in e middle that goes: 别怕太快乐. Simple line. It stems from e happiness when you think you like someone... and then you try to control your liking for somebody that's how the line comes abt. *smile* this song is written really well..asking somebody to express and declare love if there really is. But I guess it is hard..... that is why the most beautiful stories are those with no answers, no conclusions and that never ending "....". The harder it is to close a chapter, the more pain you feel, the more desires you have, the more that chapter is treasured. Perhaps it is just like that...so I should leave the unclosed chapters open ended? The song ai mei will describe the feelings of an unclosed chapter best. I gota keep telling myself each time I flip those old chapters.. that hey ger thats over when some part of me tells me it is not. Those pictures in the old chapters appear in my mind again..those walks..those songs..those talks..that dance floor which i really want to go down to create that first and last romantic dance. I was so afraid of creating memories so I hesitate. Even though I know the moments of creation will bring me utmost happiness. If my hand was taken, I would have gone ahead to create the memory and that smile but it was not. I guess this song really describes all these. All the 'If's. But still, towards some things, I do not think I will still take too much initiatives. I will stop just here coz it hurts. Karma? HF, time to let go and say bye to B..chapter B. And Im hearing the song that is now playing: 'It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this. And everyday life goes on Like..I wish I could talk to you for awhile I wish I could find a way try not to cry..As time goes by'.

Recently hearing lotsa love stories. All sorts of love stories. I feel like writing abt all the love stories but do not feel like wanting to be part of any love story. Maybe do not want to be part of any story without love. Recently I came across this line that I think makes a lot of sense. "Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone." Yeah, perhaps I should inch out of my comfort zone soon. Sometimes, getting into a new relationship is like getting out of your old comfort zone to get into a new comfort zone, isnt it? But the steps taken in between the zones can be painful, lonely and sad. It is usually hard to decide to take that step out.

Let me end with the song 属于.

我坚持的 都值得坚持吗
我所相信的 就是真的吗
如果我敢追求 我就敢拥有吗
而如果 都算了 不要呢

或许吧 或许我永远都不会遇见他
或许吧 或许我太天真了吧

属于我的昨天之前的结局 我决定我的决定
属于我的明天之后的憧憬 我迷信我的迷信
属于我们点点滴滴的伤心 我们要各自忘记
属于我们闪闪发亮的爱情 我们再一起努力

属于风的 那就去飞翔吧
属于海洋的 那就汹涌的
属于我们的爱 该来的 就来吧
为什么 不敢呢 不要呢 是他吧

命中早就注定了的那个他 是他吧
他原来就在这里啊

I did things I hardly ever done in my life -- asking people out w/o caring what they think. Getting rejected for dinners, rejecting pple for dinners. Haha for once I dont care. I realise it is not really abt courage after all..it was abt pride.. n now it is abt going for what I want? I duno. Well since life is short, youth is short.. go get what I want, be in whoever's company I want to be in, enjoy whatever food I like, enjoy whatever alcohol I like, dress in the way I like, dance crazily as I like. I like the me that danced prettily and confidently on that podium in a short tube and translucent scarf and with my grey eyes. That was in 07. Pretty, young and wild. I like the me that broke the dance floor under the eyes of the whole club. Who cares? who knows me anyway? I felt so good then.. Confidence is beautiful.

There s this guy that seems to be interested in me. He is old. He is rich. He is a foreigner. Crazy isnt it? That I can attract such guys. He likes my strong personality he says. He likes the excitement from the challenges I give. Or rather from me being the big challenge myself. Maybe that's what guys like abt me. And that's why they do a lot of things. And that's why they try so hard to prove this n that. Then that can be challenging for me too -- coz I cant tell who is the one genuinely in love with me.

I feel like giving up this whole thing abt love. Abt falling in love and being loved. But I cant deny that liking someone makes me happy. Makes my heart jump. Makes me wait. And perhaps eventually makes me cry. Recently once in a while I envision some nice images.. of me falling in love with someone.. and he doing everything he could becoz he loves me. But I am dreaming.. because I am not sure if I am in love.. and I duno who I will really fall for.. and whether I am realli starting to fall in love suddenly recently. My diaries (written manually at home) contains so many contradictory entries.

Then I have so many weird and exciting dreams recently.. Dreamt that I went to somewhere real cold with nice snow.. Dreamt that I flew a little jet like plane in light snow.. Dreamt that I have a screwed up wedding in a orangy pinky wedding gown (yucks!) and the wedding was messily planned. Or rather there was no plan. And I dunno who's the groom haha. Are these signs of my desired freedom?

I really wish for someone to take me away from here. Blindfold me.. Fly me away.. Lead me to somewhere I duno.. and walk/explore that whole place hand in hand.. N I keep thinking of the song Boston coz it's a lil like what Im feeling now. *smile* actually it's quite happy imagining these with an unknown face that I will be in love with. I think holding hands is a very nice feeling compared to someone holding my shoulders or my waist. But holding hands is like an almost sacred thing to me. It is magical. I can hug anyone but I just cant hold hands with anyone. And esp for me to hold his hands tight... he must be more than just a friend, more than just a lover or partner. I haven really held any hands tight and with that magical feeling for a long time. In the past when I loved this guy so much, I sometimes will close my eyes and imagine my hands in his. Very silly isnt it.

I was sorting out fotos just now.. came across some really old msn archives.. oh my goodness.. way back into time. Not that long just 2-3 yrs ago... Saw some really touching conversations and some conversations that makes me feel abit teary between me and hmmm wat name should i give.. ok bb as hes known recently. And abt how ms fuu was the culprit of certain situations back then (which i totally or nearly forgotten all by now). Perhaps it is her again.. this time round. Although there is nothing between me and b nw he was once a special person to me. And I do get abit sad that we no longer talk so closely and keep each other in each other's lives like back then. I remember once during uni i smsed a qn saying I wonder how I will be like 10 yrs from now. And his reply was 10 yrs from that point in time, he will be by my side with our memories deeply clutched in our heads. That sms remains in my mind for a looong time. And I knew that very likely it will not come true. I feel bad.. I am the one that eventually stops our relationship from taking a step further I am the one who wants to stop contact. Only after like1-2 yrs, I feel ok I got over the hurt due to him and I realised I told all these only to ms fuu again. mabe thats why they got closer and exclude me. and B did not have any response to the letter/mail that I sent him last yr. Maybe I am the naive one -- thinking he is really the emotional/passionate pisces that still keeps feelings in him. Frankly, I was disappointed then. But from his no reaction, I concluded to myself that that's it between him and me. He has long got over the so called someone he ever did so many things and confessions to before. The feelings may run deep in the past for him but they also disappeared over the period of time I disappeared. When I re read the letter, I felt abit touched. Does he not? Maybe guys are like that..once over it's over. They dont look back, they dont remember, they dont feel. esp if they have moved on with someone new. But many times I do miss his company.

Now that we have grown up... I felt that it was a pity and I never did get a chance to tell him before that I really liked him before. It is probably the only regret and I will never be able to tell him again. Because the same words will not hold as much meaning for the same two persons anymore after few yrs. And the same words will not garner as much reaction, as much love, as much feelings as before.

I duno why it is always after yrs then I realise how much I liked or loved someone before. It happened to me for a few persons including this person. To my first love, I told him I love him when he has fallen asleep. To my ex, I told him once only in sms when I had a nightmare. While listening to some old songs while typing this, it just feels more nostalgic for me. Recently when I heard waiting for you on my player.. i tot of b and the old times. The kinda joyful and more carefree me even though I was going through that bad patch.

I saw some fotos i took during that time also. Wedding bands advertisements one of them. I guess I have always yearn for a xin fu life. Where xin fu does not come from my career advancement or money, but from reasonable good life with someone I love sharing those things with me. Someone that loves me too. At that pt in time, I felt I could with b but his behaviour plus that childishness keeps hurting me until I gave up. I wonder if he is back to his this self now again -- was he ever really reformed before (quoting his word reformed)? Maybe he was when I wanted to give up on him.

I duno why recently I just kept dwelling in the past. Maybe now Im in too upset a phase in life that I wish to go back to the past. Not the old past.. but just a couple of yrs ago. I duno why Im in such a down state now.. when by right I should feel the honeymoon love and feel the reborn me. I felt reborn and fresh and happy on this day last year in April. It was a coincidence that it was a day that mark the fresh me (out of the old sadness and bad patch since 2006) because the day happened to be one of my anniversary days with someone in the past. And having moved on into a new phase last April, I should be a happy huifang isnt it? But I just am not, not really anyone's fault, it's more of myself.

I probably demands too much and expects too much. Wanting too much for people to match me. And maybe I am too influenced by certain few pple in my life that money has became such an important factor in my life.. that I feel unhappy when I feel that at the mid pt of twenties, I still do not have someone that I can feel emotionally and financially secure with such that we can plan life ahead. I feel unhappy to be stuck there.. or having to take steps backward.. coz in my whole life I have been challenging time to be ahead. And when I finally am, I have to stop there and/or even turned back.

I feel bad.. because of all these bad feelings.. I might have hurt someone's dignity. I dont want to but I duno who else to say all those things to. I really really want and need someone mature and wen zhong enough that is at the same phase as me. Maybe this is karma. With my ex, I was the one in the later phase while he is in the panicky state like what I am in now. And I broke up with him because I was still young and couldnt see eye to eye with him plus I was still a wild ger that just got to see the world then on top of some fundamental differences. Sometimes, I was asked this qn: Do u not regret your decision then? My answer will be yes, I would have still broken up despite what I realise and understand today. Coz the fundamental differences are there and unresolvable and I just cant force myself to become the 25 yr-old me faster until I am really 25 yrs old. And if I chose to stay on and wait till 25 yrs old, I may still be unhappy with him because I would not have gone through the same things I have gone through these few yrs without him.

Life is really abt timings. Marriage is really about marrying the person you meet at the right time and right feelings coming together at the same time. Two persons may be in love, but they did not meet at the right time. Love may overcome some obstacles but not all unfortunately. We are in a modern world now with new connotations of living together and about love. It just isnt the same anymore.

I feel really kind of lost recently. I think it is the way I have viewed things. Until now, I still have difficulty looking at the same thing using another angle. It's really easier said than done. Sometimes, I want to run away. I yearn for freedom. Freedom from these current worries, freedom from strings attached, freedom from people's perceptions. I cannot reach my ideal yet I have been trying so hard and forcing someone so hard to reach my ideal with me. Maybe I should grant him freedom too. He probably does not have the same ideal as me and probably has his own definition of happiness and freedom. Why should his life and what he does be dictated by me even though he may say he want to do all these for me and because he loves me? I think he probably is lost himself in his world and in my world. Perhaps the alternative solution is for me to change my ideal and my expectations. Will I be able to do that? How can I do that? Will I really be happier if I do that? Not sure, I am lost. Really.

What I really feel like doing is go back to fort canning and enjoy my own bottle of wine while looking down that huge patch of grass, not bothered by what tomorrow may hold for me.