"They are attached yet they lived like they are single as ever." That's how I feel too :) Good or bad? I guess that is also what I wanted, just that something to keep it there is lacking. I think it is me again. I am feeling as independent and carefree as before but I don't like the feeling of me not needing anyone and not feeling needed. That means I still havent felt complete. I always feel that we should be with someone that we can't live without instead of someone I can live with.
But sometimes I wonder if it is really true that I never felt lonely leading my single life. Whether I really can live without somebody. Thinking back, I have never felt lonely but it's because I have so many things that keep me occupied. All these occupations that include hanging out with frens, going for ying chou appts or gatherings, dating potentials..they are probably windows that shut my inner self? Esp dates..they probably help me feel that I am not lonely because i get a feeling that there is a potential future with someone? Maybe without all the suitors and all the dates I would really feel that I eventually still need somebody? These dates are probably illusions and distractions in my life that steer me even more towards my want to be single. Ironic huh? Just some random thoughts when I was staring at my reflection against the dark in the library window... I felt like hugging myself then. Is that how those certain few special or once special guys feel when they look at me in my eyes?
Yet amidst all these tots, I recalled this song that I will play whenever I am sad or going thru a dark time in my rs ever since the age of 15. "I Believe" by Yamaguchi. "When Im feeling small, When it's cold outside, I don't know who I should recall and when I need a special someone just by my side, who was there?"... chorus that keeps repeating "I Believe..someday I will love someone who's by my side. My special one will come along..I pray everydae". Maybe deep inside me I still hope to find a special one that I will want to lose my independence to.
How can I regain energy and motivation to really fall into a relationship? I find myself unable to give coz I am afraid. It is so not me to be so unloving so not wanting to do things. Ive never been so lazy in a rs... maybe coz I am no longer young, innocent and naive to believe in fairy tale love stories..and maybe coz I have no more courage to throw myself into a big sea of uncertainies and insecurities again. By choosing to break up 2 yrs ago, I know I have already thrown myself into this sea.. But by living alone, I thought I am swimming well. Now that sth else came along.. I am lost in the same sea again. No directions, no shore in sight.
It is also now I realise how much I need someone mature and really wen zhong in order to feel secure. Someone that can really plan for the future, someone who has foresight, someone who really has the fighting spirit.
A long tiring but rather happy day. Though ended the day on a little small sad note. I attended my fren's ROM today. Beautiful setting at keppel club, nice pavilion by the sea and in front of a pool. Just a little pity that it was raining. But well, most importantly, it's abt the couple that look really happy and blissful. It's such a special occassion for both of them n I felt really happy for her. I was a little sick before going there but once I reached there, the happiness I felt for her just somehow overwhelmed all that. I just love attending such happy events. N these are events that make me feel so so happy even though it's not for myself. I can be happy the whole day just seeing a happy couple tie the knot.
Ironically, I am someone that still does not believe in marriages. Maybe, it's not the lack of belief but the lack of courage. Marriage, to me, is like a promise, a decision that involves a great deal of certainty. It is definitely not just a paper to me, it is something further and deeper way beyond all the legal implications of that piece of paper. And this decision has to be made with maturity. But to me, marriage and relationships have lost that magical element after all these yrs. I used to envision really beautiful relationships and companionships that is so magical when I was young. But as I walked on in life, I realised it is not as beautiful as I thought or as I want it to be. I think it is because of my experiences that I have. Not that I have not experienced the magic of love before, just that I have experienced and witnessed much more hurting things before. It really drains one as you walk in and out of people's lives, of relationships, of courtships etc etc. I lost track of how many times I have walked in and out of others' lives and each time it is different. And each time I walked out, the me is slightly different and slightly more jaded. Guess that's why now I feel so drained and just don't have the same kinda energy and freshness that I used to have facing new relationships. But I think the largest factor is still the fear and lack of courage. I just cannot imagine walking into someone's life and coming out of it again. I do not think I can recover as fast and most likely I will choose to be single for life. To me, going into a relationship now is as gd as taking a huge risk. I will never know how I will walk out of it.. I will never know how I may be hurt.. though there is a possibility that is may lead to sth happy that may just transform my life. But I still don't have the courage to try..
Anyway, I watched sex and the city today too. It is awesome. Fantastic show. The 2.5 hours definitely din feel like it was. Shall blog abt it another time =)
I chanced upon this in fm's blog.. sounds really sad.
爱情笑话
当爱情临终的时候，她告诉女人，她的一生是一个笑话。男人和女人彼此相爱的时候，她很快乐，所以，她是真实的。一对傻傻的人，把她当作花蜜，当作季风，当作生命，当作这一生中最幸福的笑话。
讲给所有的人听，讲给爱的那个人听，一辈子也不觉得自己傻，狠不能让全世界的人都知道，她将是这一生说也说不完的故事。说起来的时候，就笑，笑容在阳光下，在细雨里，在晨曦中，在斜阳下，无时无刻不是美丽地绽放，为了爱情，这个可爱的笑话。
可有一天，男人告诉女人，他的心分出去了一点点，他的爱也不再属于她一个人，女人哭了。爱情也哭了。笑话，她对男人说，我们的爱不是应该厮守到老的么？
是的，男人没看女人的眼睛，也许他不敢看，也许他看累了，他舔舔嘴唇（女人想，多么性感的嘴唇，他的，曾经只属于我一个人的，只吻过我的嘴唇，却就这样把吻也分给了别人）。
是的，男人说，我想我们还是能厮守到老的。可我这次，想离开一会，因为，你的爱情把我淹没了。你的笑话让我终日微笑，不能自主。给我一刻的安静，好么？也许，我会回来，也许，我就此走得更远。无论如何，你都要相信，我还是爱你的，永远爱你。
女人沉默了。她想知道是不是值得赌上一把，要么，男人真的还能回心转意，要么，大家都在这个笑话中死去，当然，还有那已经僵在脸上的笑容。
她去问自己的心。心告诉她，别让他走，因为你爱他，因为你还爱着这个笑话，因为你还在真心为她微笑。她去问男人的心。男人的心不说话。他只说，我累了。我的微笑让我觉得痛苦。我的生命不再因此快乐。你给我安静。哪怕片刻。
她去问爱情。爱情也不说话。我快死了，爱情想了很久，告诉女人，别为我伤心，因为我是一个笑话。
你们相爱的时候，我曾是一个幸福的笑话，你们争吵的时候，我曾是个冷漠的笑话。而现在，她看看女人，我要死了。
你们相识的那天，我一定就会死去。这是注定的。只是死的时候，如果你们还在一起，我就从笑话变成了奇迹，变成了亲情，变成了你们熟视无睹的生活部分。如果不幸，你们分开了，我就仍然是个笑话。只是如此的残酷，该笑的时候，你们中的一个却在绝望地哭。
对不起，爱情告诉女人，我也不想死，可这是你命中的劫数。我还会活过来，但是没人知道那会是多久，也不知道是在何时。我在男人的心里留下了我最后的一滴泪水，我却不知道是否能沁湿他坚硬的心脏。
不必再等了，爱情对女人说，你看，窗外秋意正浓。埋好了我，你就离开他。
也许，我很快又会醒来，而这一次，我希望我能变成你生命里的奇迹。
女人含着泪，松开了手，爱情便化掉了，化做了风，化做了雨，化做了女人生命里最爱的那个笑话。只是，这次只有她一个人在心里微笑了。
早晨的时候，她对着镜子，轻轻拭了眼角的那滴泪。给你安静，她转身笑着对男人说，如果这会是另一个女人笑话的开始，那么，给你安静。How many times have we seen stories like that? All over the world are millions of married couples who are not even married because of love. Is it because love will eventually die anyway? Is it because love is reali jus a tale? Just a joke? Just sth that exists in fairy tales and in nicholas sparks' novels?
Probably it is true.. love will eventually dies.. and what it transforms into will determine whether the two persons choose to stay or walk separate ways. Though I still believe miracles do occur... It's still once in a million story..
