有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来就住在我心底
陪伴着我的呼吸

总是想再见你
还试着打探你消息
原来你就住在 我的身体守
护我的回忆

I wonder if u would play this song again and again like in the past. Throwing away physical tings doesnt throw away things thats become part of you. Sometimes dun u just wonder what life is about? What you realli want in your life and out of your life? And what is the meaning of your life? L.I.F.E. the simple yet complex word.

Recently, when I was just thinking about deaths, it just dawned on me that we are often so obsessed with the present trivialities that we neglect so many other aspects of our lives. And one day am I going to wake up a 61 yr old woman probably despaired, forlorn and full of regrets? And probably still don't know what life is about? I don't want to realise that I have been living in a race against time. Sometimes thinking about death as sth that eventually ends everyone, I just cant help wondering what is that I should or want to do before I get pushed into the fire and be gone forever, not knowing that me and my mind and my memories and my emotions are going to disappear from earth. Den what is life about? U r going to be gone in some decades and after a while no one remembers you. Ya Im kinda morbid tonight gosh.

Gone my ubs too. Suck thumb. Why cant i jus have a little more luck with everithing?? Jus that bit more to help mi get pass my last round. All my last rounds ARGH. Im reali gona FJ all the way le la. SOOOOOB. So saddening, so disappointing, so disgustingly demoralising. I dun tink i realli lack calibre in wat i applied for, Im not even goin for front line or trading roles. Why has it got to be so tough?

I JUST FREAKING HATE THIS DECEMBER AND THIS SEMESTER. Something good better await me in the next year. I dun even have mood to celeb for new yr animore =( i wana fly to milan where my dream got dashed.

Another week has passed. Its gona be xmas weekend. Not in the mood for it, not looking forward to it. I think for this week, the most meaningful gathering was the one with my jc frens, esp when some of them are the onli frens in my social circle that I talked abt song-writing and performing to. Ya..it feels good when there are same pple who actualli share the same kind of passion and dreams as u. We have always wanted to start a performing group in Singapore, but never got down to it. Even when there was a chance given by universal, I din urge my fren enough to do the demo together oso. At almost every point of our lives, we are always busy and burdened with sth which cud be jus exams. And perhaps, when we look back, we realise heyy its onli exams. 'Busy' has always been the word that get in our ways. Well, my fren finalli told mi we shud realli start before we regret when we are in our 50s. But I do hope u are seriously in for it this time dear, im so afraid its gona be a just a spur of the moment. Because ever since the end of 2002, after sending out my song to him, I feel that nothing more meaningful has been/would ever be done out of my works than that. Even the whole concert was for him. At least in my heart. I stopped writing ever since, because the source of the flow and writings was gone ever since. Attempted to write one or two in the past few songs, but they din turn out well. And I thought that dream to pursue my interest has really left me. Ya I not only love to write, I love to perform, n I love the feeling of being on stage. (hey ger if u r luking at this, I do hope we realli would try out sth? u revived the passion in me.I always tot that Im the only crazy one, but now I realised the existence of ur dream too so dun give up.even if we cant do aniting together, I believe u have the talent to pursue it k?)

It's only recently I realised that it is really true that when u realli fall in love, it could jus be forever. I remembered telling my fren on one of those bus rides passing through town after sch at the age of 14 that I tink that when I fall in love, it would probably be forever. Though at that point of time, I havent fallen for anione yet. Until recentli, den I realised hey thats not bullshit, and it applies to people in general. But of coz rarely do people realli fall so deeply in love that they can just stay together so strongli forever. I think I felt so recently is because I thought that the person I fell for in my life is gone but yet ... I thought I wouldnt be bothered by the fact that I'd never be able to be with him in future. But somehow, certain things still cut deep I wondered why. Are they the scars of my wounds? And after so many years, even with no contact, we can arouse such strong emotions in each other. It really just means love. It is surprising how I can still miss him occassionally while days and years just passed by, for the last 6 yrs. And I can imagine if I am with someone like that with that kind of intensity from both parties, it can easily last mi a lifetime being with him and just him. I think that is really the context that I will use words like 'love' and 'forever'. And that is how those few old couples still never fail to hold their hands and be still so in love regardless of age. Because when u r realli deep in love, u cud easily be in love forever. I finally believe in that. Just like few yrs back when I said no la hw is it possible after so mani yrs wo contact 2 persons can still feel that sth. But there I am, after more than half a decade, back at square one.

But of course, this is quite scary, because I realli wana start my life afresh. I don't know when that will be. Or perhaps, I am destined to just fall in love just once in my lifetime. And I got to wait till my next life to start all over again. Yeah, we were indeed so lost once that we made a promise for our next lives and at my deathbed many decades down the road. Maybe I am silly to still remember such things when perhaps he has long forgotten and lived on since dunno when. Yah all these were really crap to mi during a period of time, when I was realli occupied and busy. Emotionally occupied as well of course. I guess that is how the word 'regret' came about in people's vocabularies.

But well, that aside, I guess I realli got to open myself up to look around and be more receptive to people. Takes a lot of courage and time. I wonder how long it will take. Kay la, all these things are of secondary importance to me at the moment. Meanwhile, I shall not be discouraged by my job applications and thesis!!!! The traditional song by Diana Ross we used to sing in RGS is still a song that accompanied my growth at every point of my life. Ever so meaningful to me, especially the 2 verses (shall not write out the full song its too long):

"Don't lose your way, with each passing day.
You've come so far, don't throw it away.
Live believing Dreams are for weaving.
Wonders are waiting to start.
Live your story. Faith, hope and glory.
Hold to the truth in your heart.
.
. (chorus)
.
Souls in the wind, must learn how to bend.
Seek out a star, hold on to the end.
Valley, mountain, there is a fountain
washes our tears all away.
Words are swaying, someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay.
.
.
.(bridge and chorus)

This is my worst ever December and worst ever holiday. Second day after last paper, I started working on my thesis, that darn regression. That produced results telling mi that the data I have collected past 4 months is equivalent to nonsense! sobz. I only met my prof once, and that dae was like a mad rush. I was running to and from the comp lab to his office so mani times that I lost count. And still, I got insignificant t-stats n lousy correlations. Basically, results that just caused mi to redo collecting new data, varying calculation methods etc over and over again. Until now i have already accumulated a stack of regression results already. The only ting I look forward to is getting interpretable and sensible results for my thesis now, else I reali cant produce any thesis man.

Another thing I have been lookin forward to is a job offer. And these few daes, Im quite upset because I lost the M A program for DBS. In the dept which Im most interested - risk management. SIGHS. The saddest thing is not that I lost, but the stupid way I lost. After going through all the rounds. hr interviews, further test, assessment centre, technical interview, final panel. One after another. Hopes that were raisen after getting through round after round all the way, not to any middle or second last rounds but to the final last round. I thought I have hope after getting through the assessment centre and technical interview which realli grilled mi badli, yet I just din get through the frenli chat with the final panel. Why? Coz I was sick and croakin there. I remembered one question which I answered until no voice came out. Yah its that bad. Coz I was having a realli bad nose block n throat, din think it would affect that much. Coz I did the Macquarie interview in e morning, n I only lost my voice in the last few minutes. (Oh, now to think of it, is that why I got out frm macq after that round oso? argh, sux) And basically I knew that I undersell myself, and could have said more, shown more content. But oh well, what to do when I din choose to call in sick, when I thought it wouldnt be that bad?

Yah, feeling realli upset. Out of dbs risk ma prog, out of macquarie risk after sec las round, out of credit suisse after las round (ya another one that i went to las round n yet .... ). Its jus so so so damn tiring applying, preparing, going to interviews and in the process all tat heightened excitement, hopes amidst the little humps and disappointments during this whole period. When pple who went for interviews with mi jus keep asking mi n tellin mi how shocked they are abt mi not selected after las rnd. Bitter consolation to me only. Perhaps luck jus play a part n I lack that as well. Im not pursuing my passion in risk animore, reali reali veri demoralised. Firstly those technical n modeling parts not easy to get pass, n pple are so demanding, secondli mani banks closed their apps, if not they are not offering ani positions for risk already. Bye bye to my passion, Im on my way to the not so exciting part of the bank (hopefully can get in sth la). After mabe 2 yrs, den see if I can move back to risk. sighs. first job is quite impt i tink, but well what to do. Quite lost la.

So wat else to look forwrd to in this Dec? Im not even looking forward to xmas. For the first time. Din plan aniting, no mood for it. Since sec sch, xmas has never been not exciting n fun, no matter wat frens Im with. Xmas bears a veri special meaning to me. Its a dae i must be out of house, wrecking havoc somewhere haha. Where will I be next xmas/pre xmas in 07? Will I be in a happier state that what im in now?

Im not even enjoying those meetups n outings with frens fully. My mind is clouded with all those job stuff, regression... Up for mi next week are my overdue meetups and gatherings almost every day and my daily bloomberg lessons (which I found out only yesterday that there are 8 tests to be scored before certified). Den it would be xmas eve =( So fast. I dun even have time to myself. No lazy afternoons in kino or borders. No happening nites at clubs. No catching up with all my vcds n shows. No time for music. No cycling sessions by the beach. etc etc etc. It realli feels worst than exams!

"The future remains unknown."
"How do you know that the person beside u exchanging rings cannot be me?"
"... The latter, lost love in eternal frost..."
"want and cant, a line in between, it cuts deep."
"Regrets add chapters to our lives. No doubt it will be the most memorable ones"
"Im never destined to be with an angel."
"The 13th word to be 'we' instead of 'I'"

.
.
.
.
.

"I love you"

Jus watched first episode of shen qing mi ma. Zai zai n andy hui jus melt mi like bnobody's business. Looking forward to scv playing it next week. Andy hui jus cant stop reminding mi of a person, someone I kept recalling these few daes =( he jus looks too much like him, the jawline, the cheekbones, that smile.. Esp the side view. omggggg.... better get down to my mugging.