Yesterday I was sitting at the cafe outside borders reading my notes. The second time I sat there in my life. Immediately I tot of the same scenario that took place 2 yrs back.. The first time I sat there.. the fotos I took with him.. His hp.. The wallpaper.. sky of love.. etc. I lost concentration for a while and hope that he is doing well. I also hope for the day when we can be back as frens that hung out before we were together last time. Though it seems like its gona be tough or even impossible.
I really am not sure if this is gona be the largest regret of my life. Sometimes though I try to look ahead and look at present, there is this lingering thing in e corner of my heart. Time will never be at a standstill. I believe one day I will get over it.
Recently kept falling sick i duno y. I think the office air is bad. MCs are taken everyweek in my team. I need to find sth to cleanse and detoxify my air. Had another 2 days mc this week.. which was only few weeks since my long mc.. same stuffs like high fever again. I never had fever at such a frequency before and even when I fall sick in the past, I dont get fever. Maybe once or twice a yr only? sigghs. And work stress was at its highest during the last 2 days when I went back to office. So crazy that I nearly broke down. It is unbelievable because I used to have much more stress and work in ML. Maybe I am too used to the relaxed life here, the expectations and benchmarks for stress and work just changed so much that I didnt know.
Looking back at the past 4-5 mths of this new job, I really think this is a place where there is really nothing much to learn plus the fact that I picked up much faster than other people just makes me very underchallenged and extremely bored. Maybe if I stay on for a few more yrs, I can get promoted here compared to other places where it's tough to reach the same position. But do I really want to do it? Very confused. Getting a position, power, leading a team whose work is relatively easy to me vs going elsewhere that is challenging, junior, stressful and definitely longer working hours. Actually first one sounds good if I wana get married and settle down. But then again, if I ever do that, I will most likely hafta quit in order to get a flat. Though I think most likely in the end I will end up quitting if I wana get a hse. Which means bye to watever promotions I could have gotten. Okay, nvm not now to think abt it yet. Still got long time to go. I think.
This month I attended/going to attend like a wedding a wk. Every wedding I attend, there will be some pt that makes me touched. And everytime I attend, I will hope that one day I will have mine. I think for each couple to come to the day of holding that wedding banquet, it is not easy. In terms of everything that they have gone thru from passing the initial stages of rs, to accepting each other, to deciding to be together for life, to going thru all the happiness n unhappiness of planning the big day etc etc. So I do feel happy for them.
Life is short. I thought I felt that I was living it up yrs back. But nowadays once in a while, I will still get lost. Too many things to build, too little time to pay attention to the present, n sometimes I seem to lose the ability to enjoy watever I am doing. I need to think it again. Probably I need my usual recharge of bookstores-browsing.
