Feeling nostalgic. I wanted to open some horoscope file..but somehow by accident or not I click on tt folder and a random file inside. It is a chat log on my birthday in yr 2004. A chat log between me and the only person I loved so far.

As I was reading it, I felt rather moved.. and I was havin butterflies in my stomach. A feeling I din get for very long. I get that when Im overly gan jiong (like during exams) or when there is a sudden surge of emotions esp when I tink of someone or when Im abt to c someone. Ya... In tt conversation we sent each other fotos of the us then.. and he said no matter how I changed, he still remembers me the way I am when I was younger.."that old me that belonged to him" ..that unsharpened and unpolished image of me is the one he loves. And I dunno why at tt point in time he can still tell me "I love u no less now". He then went on to ask me what would I do if he suddenly appears in front of me (we haven seen each other since 2002)..N his answer to e same qn "I would feel a sense of loss.. Because I can never have u again.. But at least I have you for that very moment". Recalling that conversation, I believe this is one of the points when I was still trying very hard to hold back my emotions. And we went all talking.. and guessing what would happen in future.. I told him 5 yrs down the road I prolly would be married and he has to get out of my life.. (Well, there and then I tot Im gona marry my ex bf coz I tot security is more impt than feeling of love).. Ya and everytime we reach the topic of marriage he will be silent.. Till one day he said to me: Maybe the one standing beside u could be me? And ever since this statement we have never talked abt marriage again. And we were pondering if we will still be in contact when we are old.. And I made him promise me that he must never leave me again if by any chance we end up together again.. N one of the sweetest things he said that I can never forget is "I wonder how it feels to cuddle you for a nite.. I guess I probably will stay up watching u sleep in my arms through the nite..But if only... I can have that night." And the whole conversation ends with the sweetest promise that we ever had in our lives. That is to be kept secret.

Reading this whole conversation no longer brings tears to my eyes. The old him is no longer alive in my heart and no longer alive in reality too. In fact, after reading, I just feel inspired to write a romance novel someday that is based on our story. Unfortunately I have lousy penmanship.. After reading jus now, I had an urge to dial his number. But of coz, I didnt.. because hes no longer the old him. All these things are buried beneath his materialistic ambitions now. That's ok.. because all has passed.

Life is short, but we can't just play thruout our whole lives. It is only recently I really feel a strong need to really keep healthy to maintain the vulnerable human body. Maybe because of some young deaths I hear recently. It is just so sad when somebody passes away at such a young age without spending enough time doing what is most meaningful to him in life. More often than not, if we look at our lives, how many hours are spent in front of our workdesk or our desktops or answering those tons of emails and how many hours in a day do we have with someone or some people that are important to us. Even myself, knowing this, cant escape the cruelty of demanding work n lifestyle. Though I know that lifestyle is by choice, I really feel that there is so little time when I want to do so many things.

When I seriously think abt it, what really gives satisfaction is still experiencing and giving love. To family, to my partner, to my frens. There were 2 times in my life that I experienced life-and-death circumstance.. I remembered the things that flash thru my mind and the helpless feeling was scary. Its like darkness looming over u all of a sudden. Then I panicked... because there are a lot of tings I havent said, a lot of things I havent done, a lot of places I haven been.... But once life is back on track... these things are forgotten and time is taken for granted again.

Thinking back.. I suddenly realised how I experienced the max of happiness in life and in love. That short period of time when I experienced that was when I really almost lived each day as though that day will never come again. Back then the motivational factor behind was him. Just him. Because I cherished really every second we had together.. almost to the extent of counting every breath and every step we took together.. I lived my life in that way, grabbing on to every second I can and appreciating every second's happenings. I felt the happiest then. Maybe this is the key? How can I do it again?

Im addicted to GossipGirl. Almost finishing my season 1. A catfight show that surprisingly got me hooked. I was just thinkin back about the last half a yr that past and the people that were in my life.. People who support me, people I have hurt, people who hurt me..

Very recently, I feel lost. Not only in career but also in my personal life. I cant really tell what Im feeling and what I really want. I think only outsiders will be able to tell. There quite a number of times when I feel so exhausted by politics and everything that I wish I can have a shoulder to lie on. Someone who understands how I feel and can lend that comfortable shoulder providing that emotional comfort without saying a word. I did run into someone who can because we have so much chemistry that we do not have to speak much to understand wat each other wants and wat each other likes. Unfortunately, hes a fren that can only be momentarily be there for me in that way. I wish we can be frens, really plain frens that supports each other thruout. But he is doing all those irritating over-the-line things that ironically makes me feel very insecure. One good thing, though, is that after these months I really confirm that what everione tot abt us is wrong. At least I know that I don't like him.. he still harbours thought of me being his gf one day or at least thats what he told me. But I took it as a joke or one of his playful words since thats him. So hopefully he gets back with his ex and don't come and disturb me. Ya.. finally a bye to that playful boy that results in rumours abt us in the firm.

Because I subconsciously have allowed someone else to supersede a particular position in my heart. Yet to fully confirm but at least it is sth new I discover abt myelf very very recently.

I dunno wats gona happen and dunno wat everithing is gona be like so Im just going to remember everything that I have from him right now. Perhaps one day in future Im going to play a song and miss him.. Perhaps one day in future I may not be in contact with him.. Whatever it is.. I think he is someone I will remember. And cherish, at least for now.

Nearly another year since I last blogged again. Have been at bachelors' gatherings these few daes? or rather 2 nights in a row. Is that what becomes of a single lady who is supposedli eligible but harbours too high expectations while having that masculine character in her? Yah, everione is calling me bro nowadaes until nearly no one is seeing mi like a ger! haha.. but nonetheless, those were fun nites. I love hanging out with my crazy bachelor frens.

Ydae one of my gd frens at the gathering was sharing with us his marriage proposal that was a huge 12-day 'project' ended with a very romantic and pretty finale on the twelth dae of christmas. Omg, it's so sweeet and romantic. Phenomenal. Lucky ger and of coz lucky him to find 'the one' in his life. Very touched by e whole thing and very happy for them. It's been so long since I hear happy rs stories man. (minus the fact that ydae was oso a dae where my fren is confiding to us abt his rs failure)

Suddenli everyone ard me starts to get married or is sharing marriage plans. Just reminds me that im approaching mid twenties. Damn it. When I though I just graduated.. Oh well. Time passes so fast all the time, and I realised Ive already broken up for 1.5 yrs. It definitely did not feel like 1.5 yrs. I think work has got the better of me.

It's been half a yr or more since I stepped into this new phase of my life. Lotsa things happened.. from job to love life. In terms of job.. it's too eventful to talk abt..I can only say the best thing I take away from my this first job and firm is the frenships n rs I built esp with my MA frens. They are reali the best bunch the best mix of people I ever will see and meet. I reali cherish the bond. I dunno whether we will still be together one yr from now.. esp when I already see all of us drifting apart recently. Im sure I will miss them some dae down the road when we all brk up. At one pt in time at our 'low' in our career when some mega bad ting happened, I just teared at the thought of us splitting up and leaving each other. I think probably we have grown to be quite dependent on each other's support thru all the bad times in our career. I see a parallel between my this grp of frens vs the first batch of cao ji xing guang da dao's candidates. All so innocent, pure and mabe even naive pple holding hands stepping into this complicated dark world of politics. There was no compeition and we only know what is called support. A collective daredevil attitude towards everithing. Really makes me cry and laugh at all the things we do.

Love life.. oh well. Complicated as usual. People come in and out in my life. While I slowly cleanse my heart and mind, preparing myself to embrace the next relationship. I think after this 1.5 yrs.. Im almost cleansed bah. Nearly nearly. Have been rejecting dates recently, putting heart and soul into my work. Unfortunately, work is not rewarding and dates are equally tiring so I end up feeling kinda sucky.

I feel quite lost at this point in time. Esp career wise.. what do I really want and what do I really like. There is always this compromise between practical wants and our unrealistic desires. Till now, I still dun have the ability to strike a good balance. At the same time, time is passing by so soon, I dun wish to waste my life doing things that are not value adding. But.. life is life.. it has to go on.. and we all have the practical needs to fulfil.

Continue another time.. Im going out now.. !