I miss my bud =S I finally talk to him on msn after so many mths. It was jus plain gd companionship back in uni when both of us were single.. we jus go out go out go out n have our own time n throw each other away when we feel like. He's so right in this description. He asked mi a qn: how wud it have been if we continued with our companionship? I told him we will still get attached to someone else somehow.. get busy n mia for a while.. den we will get back to catch up anitime.. sounds gd sounds cool? He sae this is a 'symbiotic rs'. yeah.

Even though it has been mths since we talked.. I will jus be still as concerned abt his sch, his babe, his family.. n vice versa.. n we talked like we jus did ydae. How mani such frenships can I get? I feel like gg back to that kinda life.. sitting in restaurants, in cafes n talk whole dae. Mabe coz Im feeling down. It was during my hollow n down stage back then that I spent most of my time with him den.. Maybe it's time again? But he's flyin next wk.. Too bad he cant drink alcohol coz of religion else it will be just perfect. N he cant explain to his ger for meeting up with mi so we can onli meet at certain times =S

I dunno who to talk to.. n I just packed my weekends like mad again. Mabe I realli just cant...just cant be in a rs. Probably even the most trustworthy person also must hurt you once. I am just numb to all these after so loong? Why din I choose to stay in that happy period for some time longer..? Ya mabe I would miss out sth I might regret..but everiting tt starts will just add stress? aiya... I dunno wat Im talking abt. I feel quite emotionless now actually.

Why have I been seeing shadows of a one person in another? Am I missing out on sth?

Ive been talking to many frens recently about their rs problems and was quite affected. Why can't relationships n affairs be simple and harmless? Even I cannot answer that myself coming from a life full of complicated stories to tell.

I am envious of people who have only one relationship in their lives sometimes then they will never experience the hurt and the devastating break-up. And they will not go ard asking what is love or whether they are in love. But I used to tell myself if I do not go through all these different emotions in life, what will that make me or my life?

I once wanted my memories to be washed away so that I can start afresh like a brand new person with brand new energy. But I remembered I also once said that the thing I am most afraid of losing is my memory. Now, if I were to choose again, I do not think I want my past to be erased anymore. Because it so defines me.

I have been stoning a lot again. My moods fluctuate a lot too. I don't think it's pms coz I hardly have it. So it must be myself. Sometimes I feel confused I feel lost. I was very happy by myself for a while. Was it too soon to rush into sth? Or maybe it was too late? I dunno. I think I cannot tell what I am thinking of and what I want. I thought I was ready, or was I not? I can't stop doubting myself and I don't trust myself now. Could it be because of too many worries and concerns that is why I cant remain that happy as I was before? I told myself to live in the present, hold on to all the todays but I realise it is just so hard to do.

I chanced upon letters written to me, letters I wrote before. I find there is a need to write back to at least one or two persons who were once special in my life. I still need to thank them for everything done for me. Somehow, I am just not someone that forgets what pple have done for me before.. I really do appreciate (though not in the way the other party would wish) but I am not good at expressing it. Life is kinda messy now. I think I complicate things too much by thinking too much.

My fren just told me to look at her msn nick that goes : "we are always looking for that right person, but are we the right person? ". Yes, it is so hard to find someone that is 'the one' and you being 'the one' for him. It is hard to even know if someone is 'the one'. Very often, you will only find out when he leaves your life. My another fren saes that the person she is looking for is someone that is a soul mate. Will a soul mate naturally be the one? I found someone that was like my soul mate.. he thought I could be the one coz we have never met anione that just reads each other so well and having same fetishes and likings. But does it mean he is the one? I don't know but I dun think so. I think someone will be 'the one' for me once I fall in love for him ba. As simple as that. But what is holding me back?