I have been feeling blue the whole week and my frens are not encouraging. Well, words are meant to be for consideration, not necessary action all the time. I do not know whether it is fortunate or unfortunate that during this down period, I have this him that really do things that make me smile, say words that make me feel better. Fortunate coz I have a fren like that that does not need to ask to sense that Im blue and knows what I need. Unfortunate coz he is not my boyfriend and I wish that the person doing these things is not him.

Been thinking a lot these few days. Wondering what is right what is wrong. I guess there is no right or wrong, it is a matter of mindset and changing my perspective. With age, I get more cautious, more risk adverse and more mature in relationship. That's why and how my needs also evolve. I keep thinking if I should really give it another chance again or should I give up. I really need him to assure me, motivate me, give me faith and help me regain hope and optimism. But he doesnt know that he needs to do all these.. or maybe he knows but dunno when and where to start. I just do not feel that he is putting very deep thoughts into steering it. Should I really take up the guy's role and start shaping it? I don't really feel that I'm in a relationship.. More like having the status that's all.

Some months back when I was still single, I knew what I want. I hope for someone to come along, sweep me off my feet and create this whole new meaning in life for me. Where I know that life is not just abt my career but abt sharing life. I envisioned such a nice future and life with a mate. Yah..maybe Im really a die-hard romantic that's why those images never appear in my real life right nw. I still feel single which is great, but I don't feel that I have a special someone which is sad. I am still the same old hf that gets through all the hard times by self-motivation. I find myself encouraging myself, comforting myself many times. If only Im a guy...sigh. Sometimes I feel sad for him, he missed out the experience of first love, the experience of doing crazy things with a loved one, the experience of a honeymoon period in a relationship. Though Im also sad myself, I have been through romances so it's ok. I just wish that it can happen with him, otherwise I will feel a bit unfair to him. It's not that I cant be a loving gf, it's not that I cant be nice to him, it's not that I cant do things for him...but when the 'setting', 'feel' and structure of the whole rs is weird, how can I do it.. I was never such a cold girlfren in e past..

Guess what.. when Im feeling blue and blogging now, he calls me. That him is not my boyfriend again. This is like the duno which time this happens.

A call. I jump. Hope it's bf that probably can talk to me and cheer me up. But I see that other him's number. Hear his soothing voice and really nice words.

A msg beep early in e morning. I hope again. Not him. Second msg beep. Not him. I reach office. Third beep. Still not him. Amongst these sometimes, its the other him. "R u on way to work? Train so packed! Hws u?" "R u feeling better than ydae?" "Chat you later ok?"

I send a sms. Shall be direct tell him Im down. Not very encouraging reply. Then 1 hr passed, 2 hrs, 3 hrs, whole afternoon...Another him calls me. Another him talk to me. That other him does nt know why Im blue but he senses it.

Late at night. Hint hint again. Wait for reply. No reply after 2 msgs from someone else. Phone rings. Yay he finally responds. Pick up the fone. It's that other him "U ok ger? Better ger?" Why does he know n my bf doesnt know?

Stress at work. Hope to hear his call or at least a msg. None. That other him got me sth to cheer me up, give me a call just to distract me from work for a few min. Simple words, simple things but really sweet n melting. I wish he is someone else.

Out with frens. Im blue. N waiting for his msg coz dun dare to wait for a call anymore. Msg beep. 3 times. Still none is him. Den when I wana give up waiting, a msg comes in. It's that other him. I cant help but respond to him telling him Im down even when Im with my frens. "Y blue ger?" "Quarrel ah?" "Silly. Dont be ok? I m always here ger". "Hugs. I hope u be ok. Miss ya."

And the thing is... It's not everyday that this other him does all these for me, or sms me. In fact he hardly. But he will just appear when I am weakest, when I need someone, when I need some comfort. Very sensitive to my moods and feelings. That's the scary part. If he's doing all these everydae like other suitors, I will ignore all these things. But it's not.. Hes not even going after me. Yet he can be so sensitive and responsive. I used to be in this role for him too. But not as sensitive as him. But I will know hes not ok when everyone din think there is anything wrong. I will be able to see through his smile and his eyes. Maybe he can see the real me beyond my facial expressions too?

But I do not want all these to come from him. . .

听说 - 刘若英

听说你身边有新面孔 听说你不再寂寞 听说你提起我
我过得不错 忙碌中还有感动 尝试爱过几个人 面对爱也诚实许多
只能被听说安排着 关于你我的对的或错的 两个人曾经相似的 却以为都变了
只能靠听说各自爱着 不需要证明当时决定是错的
想着聊络 不如心底远远问候 最美丽
莫过于听说你还回忆 其实我也感激 当我听说你还相信爱情
听说我巷口你常经过 听说你厌倦寂寞
听说你问候我 听说我身边有新面孔 听说你祝福我

nice lyrics =)

Life has been quite an irony this past month.. When certain fates are intertwined, you just can never run away from them. Was listening to A Mei's 如果你也听说.. I find myself relating to this verse.. "突然发现站了好久 不知道要往哪走 还不想回家的我 再多人陪只会更寂寞".. Love her mtv..It reminds me of myself. I have been roaming the streets of life.. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't. A lot of laughter as well as a lot of tears including those that were shed alone. It's not that I don't wish to settle down.. But I have not found the reason to.

I think the last time when I smiled from my heart is when I was 17. A phone call that made me smile so widely that I am unable to even fake a normal smile-less face for at like half an hr. I remembered I have so much difficulty trying to unstretch my lips haha. I didnt know that there can be so intense happiness that one can actually have problem stopping the smile. Other times when I smile like that..hmm probably during my 21st bdae coz of frens.. Den over the past few yrs.. I keep receiving smses from a few pple like "Smile fang.." "Smile ger.." "Dont forget to smile.." "Smile, ur smile is the most captivating." "Smile today ok?" "Keep smiling." "I miss your smile." And my response to them is always a smile with a frown. It was until a friend told me my eyes have not smiled for yrs then I realise it has been really a while since I did smile.

Ya I guess thats why Im blogging now too.. I usually blog only when I feel down or when there are things I am thinking abt. I just got a call while blogging.. My fren is visiting a p sch fren that she hasnt really seen since p sch.. n the reason is coz he's got leukaemia and he already has not much time left. He's only 24 and trying desperately to buy time. It's so sad.. Life is so vulnerable and short. Sometimes we just take things and people for granted. A lot of things to cherish with that little time we have.

Another saturday at home has passed..spent thinking, reflecting and slacking. =)

Just finished watching a show.. Last part makes me cry again. Or rather true love always makes me cry. True love is the whole meaning about life. Love brings u tears but it takes u out from tears. I guess love is the thing that will bring you home.

Read sth interesting today -- a 28 yr-old single's woes. It says that when she is 2 yrs away from that 30-yr-old alarm, she is lonely yet afraid to give. Ironic but often true. 2 days ago, I met up with my ex boss.. we were talking abt some relationship stuff.. n he said sth that stayed in my mind these few days. He said that he always treat his every new relationship like it's the first. I think it is not easy, and it is sth that I never thought of before as a way to make a relationship work.

Perhaps it is the world we live in..the stories we hear.. that make us always harbour expectations of a rs, that make us form images of what a relationship should be like. I guess I am no exception. Plus previous experiences I have had.. it always makes me wonder if I don't feel in a certain way, does that mean I am not in love? Yesterday, when I was sorting out fotos and coming across photos of me and my ex, it feels different already. I was very sure last time that I did not love him. But when I think back abt us, everithing we do we sae etc was all so natural, so smooth with no pretence... and the ways I just wana do things for the us in the past. Surprisingly, when I think abt my current one, how come it is not as smooth as my previous despite the previous being a not-much-love relationship? I do lesser things, I'm always held back when I want to do certain actions, want to say certain words, want to type certain smses that all end up in drafts or deleted items. So I thought perhaps there reali was some kinda love in the past for my ex, just that it cud be a mature form where no more excitement exists? Not too sure. If not, it must be the insecurity I am feeling in my current relationship that makes this such a frenli yet havin sth lacking kinda relationship?

Probably I just keep feeling that the more I give, the larger disappointment I will get in future. At the same time, when I don't give or hold back my givings, I felt unnatural and sometimes unhappy. It is very hard when I just don't want to get hurt again. But I know that I wun be lucky enough to avoid getting hurt. N who will be by my side when that happens? Coz one I am vulnerable to hurt, second no one can promise that he/she wun hurt you at all even if he/she loves u. I just don't want to be a victim of love again. I am already very glad that I have loved before and the person I loved once loved me as crazily before. In a lifetime, not everione is lucki to feel the feeling of falling in love and even if one felt it before, the other party may not be feeling like e way you do. So I alwiz thought that with that, I have no regrets abt love. Some of my frens even admire me for having this kinda experience before despite the loss.

Well.. as I think abt wat my ex boss says, go into every relationship as though is a new and first one.. I think that is probably the solution. Every relationship and everi love probably feels different at a different age and at a different phase in life. As one grows older and have had more experiences before, falling in love probably just cant entail certain form of innocence, craziness and impracticality. So the feeling would be different? Though certain fundamentals shud be there la. I don't know. I feel confused. What kinda happiness shud I feel? Where is the very blissful feeling that I shud have? What is right? What is wrong? How should I make things right? How can I open up? How can I trust someone all over again? I guess I am feeling like the 28-yr old I was talking abt.

"I've been watching but the stars refused to shine.. I've been searching but I just don't see the light..I know that it's out there..There's got to something for my soul somewhere."