Falling Stars in Snow

2011-07-22T16:18:00.002+08:00

Yes. Finally it's over! Over over over! My pms or emo period entangled with all those events. Hit mi all at the same time n they will leave mi all at the same time. I guess? :)

This is the final phase I wana get thru n finally it happened. Of accepting new facts n also communicate the real facts abt myself.

Wat I felt in hk was right. The fact that I didn't get affected during trip was right.

Throwing away the thing was also right. I guess it shud be bright paths ahead for us nw. Sorry fate, I will not believe in u this time round.

Maybe some things are best left unspoken? Though I really wana get those things off my chest. I hope time will melt the things away from my chest. Not a long time but just a little while. I know.

2011-07-20T23:17:00.003+08:00

Over over over! The soon-to-be over phase :)

Challenge accepted (unwillingly). Challenge that will soon be overcome. I leave it to the heart to do it. One of the final last tests.

2011-03-28T12:00:00.004+08:00

Damn angry n pissed n disappointed that I must blog from office on a phone!! Jus totally disappointed in somebody. Too much accumulated over a long period of time. I can't let it go anymore. I need to rethink a lot of things.....

It's painful but I need to readjust.

2011-02-16T20:11:00.004+08:00

Went through a big rough patch in relationship life. And am I really out of the patch or am I in a brighter part of that rough patch only? No idea.

Work wise. I am extremely stressed out. Last yr, I was leading a relatively huge team (by merrill standards) for a quarter, before I quit to take up my current job. Not that the team lead role was difficult, but on the contrary, I felt that it was still not challenging enough. Well, I could stay on and excel like crazy. But I chose the more difficult path by going into a 'higher-level' job but no longer lead a team. Cuz it is a completely different role where my stakeholders and working partners and teams are suddenly all so senior...!

This role is so difficult. Im struggling like crazy to stay afloat. Even these few days that Im on course (which pple call them slacking days), I am even more stressed. Cuz work and deadlines jus keep staying in my mind.. and I jus cant wait to rush home at night to switch on my laptop to start doing work. N I scroll my blackberry-iphone more frequently now. Whereas in the past, if Im on course, I will be so relaxed cuz I can knock off early n go out.

This yr is gona be such a challenging year for me. He flies more than ever. And Im just constantly bothered by work. Economy is still not good. Im trying to find a balance. But how? I must learn how to strive thru this. I think if I can survive these few yrs in this role relatively well, then I will be on my way.... to where I wana be. Love life wise........ still quite a bit of uncertainty in my heart. N Im no longer as eager to settle down (not that I dont want, but just not so sure anymore abt life time commitment to one person). It is not so easy to have ur mind made up abt entrusting the rest of ur lifetime and giving ur love to a particular person. Yah just had this conversation with mx.. seems like shes going thru the same train of tots as me too. Thats maybe cuz her ring is ready already ba.. so thinking thru more seriously.. but I dun ma. hmmmz.

Ok need to start my work already. really exhausted............. *dreams abt an Italy vacation*

2010-12-10T21:57:00.003+08:00

"I Believe. Someday I will love, someone who's by my side. " - Over time Soundtrack. My favourite song and I just watch a 5 min excerpt of the show ending on Youtube. I still remember the names of the roles they played though it has been a gd 10 yrs since I watched it.

The song that consoles me each time after a breakup or a disappointment haa. It is my wish but is not coming true. When I finally fall in love, I become more lonely. Different relationships are conducted differently. Have I not felt the warmth n showering of love n the presence of partner in my previous relationships, I probably wouldnt feel what I am feeling now. Sometimes, I just feel that no one is there for me when I needed that someone. I used to feel so alone and always gota listen to this song when I first fell in love a decade ago. But he let me down though he promised that he wont. N he let me down, yr after yr. N the same thing happens now... but I attribute it to the nature of the job my partner is doing or the lifestyle he is having.

So do I continue loving and living that kinda life when I gota keep listening to 'Believe' to console myself? Or I live a life with someone that will never make me feel that I need to listen to this song? But I may not really love him as much? The latter = the ending in Over Time.

And regarding things I wish he did that he never... I guess no reason is ever a reason good enough. If a person really wants something or wants somebody, no reason will stop him. I will throw the control out of my hands. And I will stop attempting to shape my destiny with him. Yes, attempt. Cuz all along I always felt that destiny is in my own hands but .. now.. Let it be :)

This weekend I will go look for the Over Time full soundtrack. I quite need it once in a while.

2010-09-11T13:23:00.002+08:00

Conflicted feelings overwhelming my mind and body.

I guess focal point of a problem always changes with new things and experiences coming into life. Sth that seem to bother me for a yr suddenly got overshadowed by a newer problem. I feel guilty for becoming others' problems before too.

Some feelings and reactions are unexplained thats why they cause mind conflicts. I guess I must not make the same mistake again by forsaking the present that I have. As for the past, I must learn how to deal with it or rather how to look at it from a different perspective. Let time teach me how to do it. Let love teach me how to do it. Emotional baggage was never gone I realised, it was only hidden within me. Now, I have to face it I am at a loss. I need to let it be gone.

Why am I always indecisive and hesitant, yet making selfish and stubborn choices in paths. And then create one whole web of problems for myself. Sometimes, I feel that Im just asking for it.

Face it, I have to face it. Learn things I have to learn things. Grow up, I have to grow up. Grow out of dwelling on things, I have to grow out of it.

2010-08-07T13:23:00.002+08:00

Looking forward to watching December Rains later. Musical starring Kit Chan. I have not watched a Chinese musical before, this will be the first and Im full of anticipation.

Time is passing so fast as usual. Im in my new bank for 7 months already. And I have worked for more than 3 yrs since graduation which actually felt much longer than that. Perhaps cuz of the things that I went thru at workplace, it makes me mature much faster. It is good that I am exposed to the ugly side of worklife and people at a earlier time, it makes me smarter than before but also more cautious.

My heart is still full of unfufilled wishes at the moment. I havent really thought thru abt some things and how to come to terms with some stuffs. I wish for a long holiday break. I havent had a good long trip ever since Japan trip in 08. These 2 yrs my trips are all rushed and short and not happy/satisfying enough.

2010-05-24T23:08:00.003+08:00

Recently very caught up with this song. The lyrics are so meaningful, totally depicts a picture of a person of a mature age after many yrs of different relationships and experiences. Nice song in totality, just that the singer (a very good rocker star) sings the song in a way tt sounds too old.

The confused me meanwhile will take my coming trip as a way for me to think thru certain things I hope :) I need to be clear on what I want, need to learn how to let go of certain things, need to perceive things the right way to get myself back on track in life. I really am not sure of a lot of things all of a sudden when I thought I knew all this while.

没那么简单 - 黄小琥

作词：姚若龙作曲：萧煌奇

没那么简单就能找到聊得来的伴
尤其是在看过了那么多的背叛
总是不安只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那么简单就能去爱别的全不看
变得实际也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单一久也习惯
不用担心谁也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话随便听一听
自己作决定

不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上关上了手机
舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那么容易
每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪
轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那么容易
才会特别让人著迷
什么都不懂的年纪

曾经最掏心所以最开心曾经

想念最伤心但却最动心的记忆

2010-05-16T17:31:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I was sitting at the cafe outside borders reading my notes. The second time I sat there in my life. Immediately I tot of the same scenario that took place 2 yrs back.. The first time I sat there.. the fotos I took with him.. His hp.. The wallpaper.. sky of love.. etc. I lost concentration for a while and hope that he is doing well. I also hope for the day when we can be back as frens that hung out before we were together last time. Though it seems like its gona be tough or even impossible.

I really am not sure if this is gona be the largest regret of my life. Sometimes though I try to look ahead and look at present, there is this lingering thing in e corner of my heart. Time will never be at a standstill. I believe one day I will get over it.

2010-05-15T11:16:00.002+08:00

Recently kept falling sick i duno y. I think the office air is bad. MCs are taken everyweek in my team. I need to find sth to cleanse and detoxify my air. Had another 2 days mc this week.. which was only few weeks since my long mc.. same stuffs like high fever again. I never had fever at such a frequency before and even when I fall sick in the past, I dont get fever. Maybe once or twice a yr only? sigghs. And work stress was at its highest during the last 2 days when I went back to office. So crazy that I nearly broke down. It is unbelievable because I used to have much more stress and work in ML. Maybe I am too used to the relaxed life here, the expectations and benchmarks for stress and work just changed so much that I didnt know.

Looking back at the past 4-5 mths of this new job, I really think this is a place where there is really nothing much to learn plus the fact that I picked up much faster than other people just makes me very underchallenged and extremely bored. Maybe if I stay on for a few more yrs, I can get promoted here compared to other places where it's tough to reach the same position. But do I really want to do it? Very confused. Getting a position, power, leading a team whose work is relatively easy to me vs going elsewhere that is challenging, junior, stressful and definitely longer working hours. Actually first one sounds good if I wana get married and settle down. But then again, if I ever do that, I will most likely hafta quit in order to get a flat. Though I think most likely in the end I will end up quitting if I wana get a hse. Which means bye to watever promotions I could have gotten. Okay, nvm not now to think abt it yet. Still got long time to go. I think.

This month I attended/going to attend like a wedding a wk. Every wedding I attend, there will be some pt that makes me touched. And everytime I attend, I will hope that one day I will have mine. I think for each couple to come to the day of holding that wedding banquet, it is not easy. In terms of everything that they have gone thru from passing the initial stages of rs, to accepting each other, to deciding to be together for life, to going thru all the happiness n unhappiness of planning the big day etc etc. So I do feel happy for them.

Life is short. I thought I felt that I was living it up yrs back. But nowadays once in a while, I will still get lost. Too many things to build, too little time to pay attention to the present, n sometimes I seem to lose the ability to enjoy watever I am doing. I need to think it again. Probably I need my usual recharge of bookstores-browsing.

2010-04-20T22:43:00.001+08:00

Thinking too much? Sinking too much?

Nothing seems to be wrong outside, everything seems to be fine on the surface. Is there anything that is gona erupt soon? Is it sth within me? "This is how I feel" just cant be spoken anymore. There is no time anymore.

2010-04-10T19:14:00.003+08:00

It was a walk down memory lane. This walk was triggered just in that split second. Mixture of feelings afterwhich was drowned in some alcohol. I would have drank much more, but I still kept it at my intended low intake. I would also have laughed more that night, but it seems harder to laugh. I would have done more impulsive things that night that may result in a different today, but I held back. The images just keep appearing in my mind intensively, including those that usually bring tears to my eyes. I guess I really did love.

These things have been happening to me in these few weeks. Running into people from my past. So weird, have never seen them for yrs and all of them appear during this same short span of time. Ironically, today is the bdae of another person from my past and this mth also contains anniversaries that no longer mean anything to anyone. It is hard to comprehend how two lovers become two strangers. That's how the term 最熟悉的陌生人 comes about bah. Can such strangers become good frens instead? It wud be perfect if there is just one relationship in my life isnt it? Who's the next person I will see?

2010-03-18T21:17:00.002+08:00

Thinking back, he was like almost the perfect person for me. Appreciate the same things, enjoy the same stuffs n had common goals. These things were unspoken n identical. Didnt noe that not every relationship is like that. Or maybe I have been lucky for the past 2 times.

Things are proving its difficulty as more time passes.

2010-02-25T20:58:00.002+08:00

I wonder how the person is feeling n whether hes doing ok. But anyway I hope hes doing well. Somehow, somewhere deep down, I sometimes will hope to meet him and be friends again.

Now in my new workplace.. not too bad. Less politics. But Im still on a lookout to wana move to sth else. Should I continue being ambitious or should I really let it go as advised by the hk fortune teller? He says Im over ambitious and can only choose to let go for at least these 2 yrs. hmm.. so hard for me to do that.

Time is passing fast, life is going by. I am so worried that time will run out for me to do certain things. Deep down, I would have wished to start a family so that I can have more years with my loved ones. But I guess it is difficult to plan or preplan such things. I just feel unhappy as I see years pass by. I just have a very uneasy feeling abt my health.

2009-12-29T18:49:00.002+08:00

Christmas is over. It feels as though I have missed Christmas this year.. Maybe cuz my plane touched down in HK on 24th night.. and I was at some train station figuring which train to get when it struck 12am. And when I finally got to the streets, pple are all returning home from the countdown while Im making my way to the hotel and finding supper. On Christmas day itself, we went to attend JJ's wedding in Guangzhou. So much of 25th was spent on travelling.. from HK to GZ and then from GZ station to our serviced apartment (where we are left with half an hour to get dressed and make up?!) and then to the wedding place. Very hectic day. And it ended at 12 plus with fortune telling.. hoho wat a day!

Had lotsa mixed feelings this year. I cant believe that it is xmas again. It din feel very long ago from last yr's xmas. Xmas has always been special to me cuz I celebrate it every yr without fail. And it always makes me happy. I jus love taking pictures during xmas, walk down streets with the pretty xmas decor, party like mad with my frens...etc etc. Xmas day oso happened to be my first crush's bday and my anniversary date for my first rs. But of cuz these are no longer relevant, but the meaning of celebrating durin dec every yr is sth to me.

Last year passes so fast. Love happens, and love left too. I guess everything happens for a reason. But we cant help but look at the rear mirror of our life all the time.. And that s when we missed out things that are right in front of us. I wrote in a person's xmas card this year abt enjoying the present. I knew abt the importance of enjoying the present since duno how long ago, but find that it isnt that easy because Im a person that cant leave the past behind easily. Tiring and hectic trip.. with some laughter and some tears. Keep having this feeling that xmas is missed tis yr I duno why. I duno how I will be spending my xmas next yr and with who.. how will I be looking at my trip tis yr?

2009-11-29T12:29:00.002+08:00

Moving on to e new job soon. But I guess I will miss ml alot alot. Esp the frens and people there. Ironically it is cuz of 'people' reason that I leave.

2.5 yrs of ml life passed just like that. People that walked into my relationship life during these 2.5 yrs - some are gone, some are getting married. 2.5 yrs isnt that long actually. A fren commented that he felt that 2.5 yrs is long. Hmm. Well, time to move on for me! Really dont know if things will be better at the new place, but well, I thought I am still young to take risks and explore, so why not?

2009-11-05T22:31:00.002+08:00

Im getting pissed and annoyed. Why do guys just wana be unfaithful when they are already attached? Just so recently, 2 guys come and disturb my life.. suggesting stupid tings.. which obviously I know they are out for flings and they are freaking attached. wth. No matter how many times I tell them this is not right etc.. they can reply with so many bloody reasons. N I said straight to them I wont do things like that if I am attached.

Some guys are just never satisfied. Some have hot girlfriends some more, then why? Thrill? Curiosity? Desperate?

Nvm... mood spoiler.

After so many mths of seeking balance... I am still seeking balance in my life. Things keep changing, views keep shifting. Sometimes I really hate it. When will it settle into the more stable path? How to hope while not expect?

2009-09-20T13:54:00.002+08:00

It is another sunday.. Having a few weeks' break before I continue my sunday dance classes.. It is an exceptionally quiet sunday even at home. Rare break I take nowadays. I saw my first bf's newborn baby's fotos. So cute :) Im quite happy for him, I hope he will really become a mature guy now. As I browse thru his fotos, looking at his face.. there is a sense of familiarity amidst the distant feelings. I thought of the last few smses he sent me this yr after he got married. That really concerned tone and I-really-hope-you-are-doing-good is still one of the few very genuine msgs I get from him these two yrs. Yeah, so life goes on.. people come and go.. only good memories stay behind after people let go. Which only brings a smile back onto the face when we think abt the other person.

I think I really feel a change in my phase and mentality over these past 2 yrs plus. From a person that just wants to party, have fun with frens, lotsa booze, doing things I love.. to a person that is looking for love and stability... to finally a person that wishes to settle down and do everything, go everywhere, share every part of my life with just a special person. All my ml frens say that it s the largest joke of the day if val wants to settle down or even if val gets attached. I must have been a real party ger in e past so they do not see the other side of me lol.

Im also a little surprised at my change. Is the change due to external influence or is it becoz of pple I meet in my life or is it becoz I just think that it is 'time'? I guess the transition point was probably last yr? I dont know why I keep feeling that there is lack of time for everything.. and hope to hasten everything.. unfortunately this is not the time to hasten things. There s too much change at the moment in all aspects of life now.. maybe I should not pin so much hopes and just enjoy.. I guess I am still in e process of seeking the balance.. while new things come into life to upset other balances.

2009-07-16T22:40:00.010+08:00

Stormy and gloomy skies these days. And weirdly I start to miss the longest rs I had in my life. Suddenly recall the times he called me during the first few days I started sch at nus.. the time he repaired my hard drive.. the times he picked me up from my hse every wk for yrs with that "hello xxxx" greeting. n that nick still somehow feels close to heart. He really has worked hard in getting everything in a rs right. If only I loved him and not only liked him. We would have walked a long way or even down the aisle. I hope he is happily married now. I wish we can still be friends but he refused to. Sometimes I wonder.. Singapore is so small.. why didnt I ever bump into him before? as well as those guys that loved me before.

I still cant find the balance I have been trying to find. N I am feeling lost in the process. 为什麽越相信谁能依靠越换来又一次灵魂寂寥? 其实我一个人很好, 眼泪可以自己擦掉.. why must I find a shoulder? why do I need a person? If moving onto a boat into a stormy sea can give me excitement, happiness that's momentary with the risk of weeping more painful tears, maybe I should not have moved in and stayed by myself on the shore.

2009-06-28T11:08:00.001+08:00

Happy :)

When things are meant to be, it will be yours. No matter how long it takes.

2009-06-22T21:41:00.002+08:00

I realised sth. Sometimes the more pple ard me give me support and show me presence, the more I become reliant on them. When I am without anyone, I feel better being independent and I never felt reliant on anyone. Growing reliance is scary. How can I stop reliance from growing? I dont like the feeling of yi1 lai4 :( It makes one desires more and just generally makes one feel worse. Soo just gota rid it. How did I have that balance many yrs ago? SIGH.

I took my inspirational line off. Just for one simple reason - it isnt complete anymore. And I replaced it with "Insecurity is the basic tool of the actor's trade". Life is like a masquerade and we are all Actors. Only behind the stage we find ourselves yet it is on the stage we find our glory and pride.

2009-06-21T23:13:00.003+08:00

"If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die. Dreams see us through to Forever. Where clouds roll by. For you and I."

N I wrote "Seek out a star, hold on till the end."

Emotion overflow.

This is the second time this happens online. Just overwhelming.

- fang @ 11:17pm -

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2009-06-21T13:39:00.001+08:00

Never thought I would come back to this stage again, feeling what I am feeling. I do not think I am a confused soul but I think things are trying to find their right place in my life again. And it is a surprise how I move certain things and how their importance changed. Or maybe it was a natural movement that I wasnt aware of as time passes. Maybe my mindset has changed.. and I no longer is as ambitious in career.. trying too hard to get the things I want. Coz what I really want is not to enjoy success, but to share success. Coz even if I get out of the rat race, I am still a rat. Yup, thats why it was one of my msn nicks recently.

I am embracing life with a whole new note. Is that good or bad? Trying to find that balance and that peace. Trying to rid that insecurity and fear. Trying to find things I love and enjoy certain passions. Walk walk walk in that circle of life.. And then bump bump bump into those people from the histories of ur life. And u wonder.. where u are sometimes.

2009-06-15T21:07:00.003+08:00

Long time since I logged into mx's blog. She has not been updating for more than a yr.. hmm. N her last blog stopped at this song which I happened to be playing on my pc now. Sweet song.. which I also feel like dedicating to some pple. People that I really miss. People that I wrote songs for... Dedicating songs to people..

I am waiting for a fairy tale.

吴克群 - 为你写诗

爱情是一种怪事
我开始全身不受控制
爱情是一种本事
我开始连自己都不是
为你我做了太多的傻事
第一件就是为你写诗

为你写诗为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你我学会弹琴写词
为你失去理智
为你写诗为你静止
为你做不可能的事
为你弹奏所有情歌的句子
我忘了说
最美的是你的名

爱情是一种怪事
你的笑容是唯一宗旨
爱情是一种本事
我在你心里什么位置
为你我做了太多的傻事
第一件就是为你写诗字

2009-06-08T22:00:00.003+08:00

Yesterday happened to hear this really old sally yeh's song zhen xin. It is one of the classic old songs that is beautifully written. Since I was printing out this song's lyrics for my mum (on her request), I read it a few times and remembered how the song applies to some times in my life. This is another one of those songs that I can keep replaying without getting sick of it. Each time I listen to it, I have a new understanding. I am so thankful that the song does not apply to me now. Well since it is the song of the day for me today, I shall put the lyrics here. I love every line of it - every line depicts those feelings so well - believe it is a phase where many people who have been thru heartaches would have been thru before?

真心

盼到了黎明又怕让自己清醒
有多少未知的莫名委屈
要我强忍著不能哭泣
我真的累了
累得想放弃逃避
逃回那不再有谁会
再乎的过去

走过了风雨在身上留下了痕迹
回想起这一切百感交集
分不清该可悲还是欢喜
我真的累了
累得我无法继续
有谁能看见我那颗
平凡执著的心

为何我用真心做的梦爱的人说的话
没有人愿意相信
而一个小小的天地
只属於自己却如此遥不可及
我只想用真心做个梦爱个人说些话
安静的面对命运
但这无奈的心情我又能说给谁听

2009-06-06T12:24:00.002+08:00

I just had this feeling recently that hey hf u have misjudged so many things and have again overestimated someone again. Yeah, I guess it is faith and trust that leads to that. It takes a lot to have faith and trust in someone, and once broken once, twice.. that's it. I will stick to my final conclusion and will never, ever change again. It is scary when someone can say certain words with so much determination and certainty, only to act in a contrary manner just shortly after. It goes to show how much determination and will a person has in wanting to achieve his goals. And about a person's principles. It is disappointing because I believe in those words and giving things a probability of change. But well, it is good too. All that will let me reduce the probability all to zero and I will bravely walk on to my brand new life with no guilt, no apologies, no nothing. It left only negative negative impressions of the end. And all the more I blamed myself for not ending things earlier. Way back like a yr back from the zouk incident to lotsa things, why did I feel softened and throw out chances all the time?

But well I am so so happy and I feel more relieved. Only a little bit of regret about things that have happened. They should not even take place in the first place. Hf should have followed her heart in the first place and not xin luan multiple times.

Yeah, and I will go on to follow my heart now without fear. When u really love or like a person, nothing changes it. When u no longer love or like a person, nothing changes it either. I heard sth like this from an interview with Gigi Leung. That's what she said.. when a person stops liking you, no matter what u do will not bring a change of heart. I so agree with that coz there are so many times I felt that I dont like someone anymore, no matter how they plead and beg.. I will be just so cold coz I really just dont feel anything for him anymore. Well but if there are feelings in the first place and the will is there to get someone back, I will stick to my principles and do things that are right and not give up so easily. At least for a while. Not just months. Otherwise, it goes to show how weak I am to fall to easier alternatives - that just means the person is not mature and wen zhong enough. And these people are never my type. I am a very strong and principled person and I need someone more than this.

The sky was beautiful yesterday with pretty clouds. And when I was at demsey last night, clouds form the same pattern and the sky was lit with moonlight. It is beautiful. So are my fridays. Despite all the shit work that xp gives me.. I know what else can motivates me in life.

2009-05-24T22:06:00.002+08:00

Hf feels abit sad all of a sudden. I must be tryin too hard. Duno why I have that heart wrenching ache. Why should I clench my fists so hard.. just let go.

2009-05-20T21:19:00.004+08:00

The sky is like a postcard. Everyday it paints me a different color. It's actually not a bad thing to work at harbourfront.. where I can see the sea and the sky on the way to work or during lunch. When I look at the sky, I will smile when I know that the same sky is looking over the people I love or loved.

I was looking at my ipod and it still looks pretty new. It is 5 yrs 1 mth 8 days old. Didnt expect my ipod to last so long, it lasted even longer than my longest relationship. How long can feelings and emotions really last? How true can a love be? How many times can a love be true? Loving and being loved the person he/she is.. is a nice thing. Having someone that makes u feel that u wana do things for him/her.. is blissful. I like that feeling of shopping/looking for things and doing things for somebody I like. It's like even when it's time spent alone, I feel happy coz that person is on my mind and he is my purpose. And I realise it is hard to want to do sth for someone, so to have a person I wana do things for can be a kinda bliss.

There were 2 days I felt a bit lonely recently. Once was when I was shopping while waiting for friend.. An hour passed... another hour passed.. n I am still waiting. Initially I didnt feel lonely but after a while I started looking at the watch. Maybe coz it's a friday night I dont like to be shopping alone. Fris are for me to go out and be happening. That day makes me recall my early ML days when I always wait for frens to knock off.. and the clock jus ticks ticks ticks.. as I walked rounds rounds rounds.

Recently addicted to this korean variety called we got married. It's damn sweet and nice. So hooked to it. They are stars, forced together in a 'marriage' and they have to stay together while there are hidden cameras to capture their awkwardness and eventually the transformation in their rs from getting to know each other to getting used to each other.. and for one or two couples.. maybe to even liking each other. Kinda sweet when one guy said isnt it normal that he thinks that his wife is the best and prettiest.. and in one of the varieties, when one of the guys were questioned: which lady do u tink will win this round or sth.. he said: who else but my wife, she's the best. Another guy said: are there any ladies at all besides the one sitting next to me. Haha. Hillarious. But it's cute and natural response. Really like the show coz it's so so natural and sweet.

There is also this part.. sth the girl says and I really agree with her. She is the never do housework type. And she always appears a bit indifferent. One day when she does sth for him, cook sth for him etc.. that guy was so touched. And she said it never felt like this before. Doing something for someone and feeling very happy to know that he is very happy receiving the gift. That feeling is so nice. And that guy was so touched that he said 'come over , jus come over wife' 'come over i wana give you a hug'. And they did. It was so heartwarming. I guess this is the bliss in doing sth for someone which I talked about. It makes the other person smile and makes u smile. For a very very long time.

2009-05-18T21:42:00.002+08:00

Hear that song so many times in so many places at all the oh-so-right times. That time outside the restaurant/crystal jade, in timbre, another time when passing timbre, in the lounge, in my fav hang-out bar...... n even when i click 'shuffle' on my ipod...

Baaa. Life at work getting sucky. I really dislike xp :X

2009-05-14T20:56:00.000+08:00

I love looking at the sky every day *smile*

2009-05-04T20:20:00.003+08:00

Xin dong. Heard the song just now. It's a decade already. I dont feel a thing. I just love the old me then. Yet it must be today that sth so coincidentally happen. After hearing the song. I take it as a coincidence, not fate's arrangement. I have long accepted what is real and what is not. And I wont change the facts I perceived.

Recently there are some other 'coincidences' that happened too. Well, I dunno where god is guiding me towards. I hope god can tell me where my final destination is and not let me make so many stopovers anymore.

Today I am in a happy mood somehow. (Before and after whatever so called coincidences today) Though I am still not fully recovered yet. Some nice quotes from movies:

"My mother always said, life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" - Forrest Gump

"Im just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her" - Notting Hill

"When you're young everything seems like the end of the world, but it's not, it's just the beginning" - 17 Again

2009-04-30T23:02:00.002+08:00

Find the lyrics of this song very nice. This is a 插曲 for the rainie 'ToGetHer' show. Interestingly, the word 'together' is actually formed from 3 words which I never realised till I watch this show. There is this part she said : "why is it when I found someone I like and when I like him, I am still 一个人?" Then, to the person she likes, she says that she is used to 一个人, so leave her alone. Actually the statement just shows that she really hates to be 一个人..

一个人就好

作词/作曲：徐旻铃编曲：郑楠

街挤满了欢笑
太不适合眼泪凑热闹
快跑快寻找无人的转角
不优雅时候一个人最好

爱说退就退潮
我松开手回忆却没放掉
未来不来了地球继续绕
躲回温暖的梦我一个人就好

为什麽越相信谁能依靠
越换来又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说越踏出世界一脚
越不能保留住天真微笑
那从今以后
我一个人过就很好

心很平静地跳
只是寂寞潜伏像海啸
突然某一秒偷袭我眼角
眼泪自己擦掉我一个人很好

为什麽越相信谁能依靠
越换来又一次灵魂寂寥
有没有永远再不会让心绝望的解药
如果说越踏出世界一脚
越不能保留住天真微笑
那从今以后
我一个人过就很好

2009-04-30T18:39:00.002+08:00

Finally saw his wedding photos today. Wonder why I so kpo sometimes. But alright la, I don't feel anything. I am just curious bah abt who is the final person. I always felt that it is a blessing to have loved someone who also loves you back the same before at least once in your life. Everyone has this 'dream partner' image with certain criteria, but usually will not get what he/she wants. Because even when you meet such a person, there are just no feelings. People you like may not like you and people who like you may not be those you like too. So it requires some kind of affinity and fate bah for two persons to be in love and maybe even for two persons to have known each other before. Though degrees of separation is small, it is still some kinda fate that you run into the person once in your lifetime right?

I am on sick leave again today. Feel damn bad, I better buck up in May onwards. I am getting myself a bad record. Recently, just curious abt why girls can get so desperate sometimes - due to some incidents I heard and things I have been reading abt. I still feel that jing1 chi2 of a woman is important. Because it is an identity of a person as well as a woman. Being too desperate or being too much of a pushover is not the way. If certain things are yours, they will be yours. And I hate catfights. So, I will avoid such women if I ever have to deal with them. If I ever have to deal with such women in my future relationships, I will take it as a real test to the relationship. Real feelings can withstand tests that's what I always feel. But then, in this current world and for myself, I don't think I can experience real feelings anymore. I am referring to real feelings both ways. So... that would mean my future relationships may fall to temptations and third parties? Yeah, maybe. Well, I guess I should change my statement to only real committments to relationships and marriages can withstand these tests.

Sighs, sth is affecting me today I don't know why. I hope I will be alright soon or get over it soon or get a solution soon. I won't fight too much for things nowadays. I shall let it be. Im too tired of it.

2009-04-24T23:18:00.002+08:00

What a surprising thing - my Friday night spent at home. On half day mc today. Loss of sleep has led to my irritating ear infection again :(

Don't know why I logged into Friendster today.. it has been ages since I logged in. I was just probably curious abt the same few persons as I always do but there was no change in their profiles. I wonder how they are doing now. For the guy I had my longest relationship with, his profile pic is still that dejected penguin which he put after I suggested the breakup ard 3 yrs ago? Felt a bit sad whenever I see that picture - only I know the meaning. And I still see the testimonial I put there way back like6 yrs ago. I still remember the exact feelings I had writing that testimonial. I ended it with ''hope we will still go out to..... for a long time to come...".That 'long time' was only 3.5 years. When I wrote that, I wasnt sure how long it will be and I know one day I will revisit the page either with happiness with him or revisit the page with some kind of sadness like today. I wonder if he has found the right one in his life and whether he is already married by now. I hope he has a gf or wife by now. I know that he needs one and I wonder if he even remembers anything abt me now. I think he is the logical and practical type. When I have nothing to do with him anymore, there is no good reason to keep in contact -- I guess that's what he think. That is why he refuses to keep in contact with me. But I am not the ungrateful sort. I still will remember the things he has done for me during the 3 yrs plus and the sad and hurting things that happened have already gradually faded away in my mind. Only the happy parts remain in my memory. Sometimes I miss dating a person with that kind of stability. I will only smile when I think of him now. He has taught me the technicals of a relationship while my first love taught me love. I wish my next bf or husband to be will be someone who can drive the relationship well technically in that way. I need someone to be able to steer the ship in the right direction and to move it forward at the right pace. This wasnt an easy task. And that was the reason why my last relationship failed after less than a yr. It was really short, but it was on an accelerated path like wat my bro said. Bro advised me before that hey dont forget this rs is like ur MA prog, on a fast paced route that's why. So less than a yr probably feels like 2 yrs odd which I agree with my bro. Haha yeah, but I guess rs cant take 'MA' paths. I think it requires some level of maturity and experience to do it well. I do not want to be the one steering the ship, I do not want to be the one guiding or mentoring. I just want someone with thoughts and maturity on par with me to do things together on the same note and in e right way.

Actually I have found such people in life before but there is no love at all between me and those people. Hence, I am where I am now.

I realised dating men in their twenties, thirties and forties are all very different experiences. And I think I feel the most comfortable going out with or relating to men in their thirties. It is really comfortable I don't know how to describe. I am very at ease, very myself. With men in their twenties, I usually only exhibit the fun and crazy side of me. With men in their thirties, conversations run deeper in content. Very nice two way traffic and sharing ideals and opinions/experiences. With men in their forties, it was surprisingly comfortable but I will feel more like the person learning and understanding more things i.e. the person with takeaways. But I will feel a bit pressured coz of the need to be poised and got to inhibit that wild side of me. It is hard not to believe what my fortune tellers say isnt it? haha. But still, I believe I can shape my own destiny. So what if I end up with a young chap one day? I can change my destiny and make it work maybe? But I just wonder if it is really possible given my personality. hmmmm.

2009-04-23T22:04:00.002+08:00

This is such a sad clip: http://www.cultureunplugged.com/play/1081/Chicken-a-la-Carte. This was the winner video clip of some competition with the theme 'Food, taste and hunger'. It just reminds us of how blessed we are. It's so sad that some people in the world are just not given the same living rights as the rest of the world due to various reasons. And people like us always cant stop complaining abt things around us -- which is hard not to do I admit coz we are humans and humans are never satisfied.

Bump into a fren this morning and we started talking abt the prediction of end of the world. The prediction theories etc was supposed to be come true in like 3 years' time? If it really is 3 years left for us or the world ard us, what will we want and what will we do? Should we still live a good person or live a bad person and do whatever that appear sinful but for all the 'fun' since its gona end anyway? Yah. If this is really the truth, I am sure many of us will change our life goals and wants almost immediately. But seriously, if it is the end in 3 years, I bet I will have lotsa regrets in my life for not doing or experiencing many things I wanted to.

With that said, I do not believe the world will end in 3 years. There may be some effects felt by earth due to whatever reasons mentioned by astrologists but I think what will kill the earth if I see it in my lifetime will be humans i.e. wars. I hope I won't ever see or experience any major war in my lifetime. I really hate wars and I really don't see how wars can be justified in any manner. Everytime I visit those war sites or musuems or read abt them, I feel quite sad. There is so little happiness and sense of acheivement compared to the amt of grief that is felt everywhere.

2009-04-19T01:05:00.001+08:00

it's a sad day.

2009-04-18T13:02:00.002+08:00

Is it so difficult to follow the heart? Sometimes it is, when you want to be considerate. That's the dilemma I am facing with. Being considerate vs selfishly pursuing what you want for the time being. Coz I wouldnt know what I want to pursue right now will be something I want for life. If it's not, that will hurt people in the process.

I just don't understand why certain feelings can diminish so soon whilst some feelings can stay so long. Feelings that can stay so long only happened once to me I guess. Wonder if I have changed or I just havent met that person. I never want to hurt anyone but why am I hurting so many? How can I believ3 in passion anymore? Or did I become more rational and less emotional over the years? I do not believe in fairy tales anymore - they only exist in my past and these stories have already expired.... haha.

I just find it weird that how come I do not feel that I need anyone. All the friends I talked to all seem to need someone or hope to have someone by them. But how come I do not feel that way? Am I really self-fulfilled in other aspects of my life? I do not think so though. Maybe I am afraid of losing my freedom or afraid of committment? Or am I afraid of the endings? Maybe I hate to see endings.. 2 same hands that used to hold each other can wave bye to the other hand in the end. I don't like that. I would rather keep that person as a friend forever then so I will still get to see him. But once you have broken up before, you will not see him anymore not even as a friend.

I used to think that the largest meaning in life is to find that soul mate you can share your love and tots and everything with. But I seem to have dropped that thought some time ago because I still feel that there is no one I can live without. I only appreciate and keep those little moments when I feel touched..coz these moments lead nowhere. Maybe Im a stupid sucker for these no-end stories haha.

2009-04-05T21:30:00.002+08:00

It is april already this year and I feel that I am progressing slow in this yr unlike last year. Maybe I am still trying to recover from the mad rush and events in my life. A little lost.. Looking at few things I want to do yet I have limited time. From taking more exams to taking up certain classes as hobbies to travelling etc and of coz recovering my health. I havent decided which one to give up. Nvm I will focus on health still and maybe postpone exam plans though I really think this yr is ideal to do exams. Maybe I really should give myself a break this yr to get back my original self then go on with exams. One year in life without progress hmmm... very unlike me coz I am always on the ball need to see progress in sth each yr. I shall let health recovery be my valid excuse perhaps.

The other aspects of life I shall leave it n let my heart rule! Though I know I am very apprehensive towards some things recently... I must try and learn to enjoy life. It is too short.

2009-03-31T20:54:00.003+08:00

My mood has been slightly better recently no idea why. I can feel that I am starting to live in the present. Few wks ago, I took out ming's 21st bdae present for me which was the book 'the present'. He wrote a note to me asking me to stop brooding abt the past I still rem. Somehow that book still didnt help me out of the moodiness and confusion I was in. Only till recently when I really cherish all the moments I am spending with people..regardless of whether I am eating, talking, drinking, dancing.. it's so good. Maybe I am afraid of losing these moments and afraid that they won't appear again in my life. So I treasure the moments and remember them. I know I will miss them one day if they do not reappear or if these people leave my life.

Few yrs ago I wrote that I am back at square one. Now after these few yrs I am writing that I am back at square one also. But for these 2 times, the starting points are different. And the phase in terms of matters of the heart is different too. Few yrs ago, I walked back to the state where I was depressed. Now I walk back to the new start, where I want to move on into sth fresh. I know that it's god that brings me back for some reason. And I hope god will show me the way. I dont know what path I will be choosing next, whether it is correct or wrong. I just hope whatever path I choose, it will be a natural decision. It will be from the heart.

Seriously I am afraid of heartbreak, I am afraid of facing those problems I have been facing. I am afraid of facing those rs problems and traumas again. I dunno who is the one that will eventually walk the aisle with me or if there will be that special moment in my life. So I decided some time back that I just want to cherish whichever person that gives me my present happiness. Even one day if the person leaves, those moments are real and can never be erased. I will keep them in my heart. Only recently whatever I do I know that they are genuinely from the heart. I hope pple around me can feel it. I enjoy walking that long stretch of road back home nowadays thinking of the different pple that walked that path with me and recalling the different mes that were part of my growing up.

2009-03-26T21:20:00.002+08:00

In the hk show i watched, they say a guy will give a girl 4 rings in her whole life. It represents the 4 phases - courtship, proposal, engagement, marriage. So sweet. Just watched the 17th episode it is so sad and I cant find 18th episode on youtube.

Very tiring these days. Work has piled up. Energy is drained. Im losing sleep this week agn. Frm the start of the wk till nw. I cant wait for the long weekend at least there is sth to look forward to. Ydae was another day of workin late. It felt so lonely working late alone. I dont mind working late but I hate working and eating late alone. Luckily I run into my ex colleague and he brought me to the sentosa facing front of Vivo to just accompany me. That place used to be empty and quite a shack. I used to have nice memories there. But the whole building and everything is gone.

Having no partner isnt such a bad thing. I will have so much more time to myself and people I want to be with. N also more time to my passions. It is probably hard for my character to be with somebody? Always don't feel that I needed anyone. After so many yrs I still feel the same. I spoke to a gerfren and asked her if she feels this way too. Coz she's a pretty strong and independent person also with lotsa own burdens. Then she said no and that she actually needs somebody all along just that she cant find. Then I ask myself again do I really not need anyone? Maybe I just havent found the person I cannot live without. I only found people that I can live with. But come on.. I gota be practical right? That is unless I fall in love again. Can I? Do I? Have I? Will I?

2009-03-21T21:09:00.003+08:00

Spoke to one of my ex suitors just few days ago. He got back with his ex gf and I congratulate him in finding his love. But I got disappointed when he told me the reason is he gave up in love and he is ready to get married and want to get married. So to him a person that roughly shares the same outlook as him in life is fine. Maybe eventually most couples are like that?

I think in these few yrs I will see people I know moving around different people's lives like jigsaw pieces and then fitting together for various kinda reasons. N that's how knots are tied. I was just naive in the past. Everytime I see people getting married, I have this overwhelming feeling of happiness and I will be extremely touched. Because I used to think there is only one reason for marriage. But obviously reality is not the case.

And it is so common that after a girl has bid goodbye to someone in her life and afterwards realise that that person is who she wants. I just saw it ard me and in the dramas Ive been watching recently. The girl may walk away with some other guy, may get married etc.. but yrs later the girl can realise that after all, who she wants to be with is that guy she hurt before yrs ago. As for e guy, he usually would have moved on and will not accept the girl when she comes back into his life again. So sad. It is so ironic when it appears that it is the girl that has moved on with new pple yet she is the one that walks one whole round back to the guy that she once hurt. As for the guy, he was in the circle and as the ger walks away, he may initially appear to be the one that has not moved on..but in a short period of time, he has walked away with no more desire to be with the ger. N he may be already decided to be with someone else by then. Such a heartache. I experienced it before so I know :) It is so painful. But I did not let the guy know that I actually like him after those 2 yrs passed. It was also the first time I felt how it is like to be secretly in love with somebody and I cant do anything, cant say anything.

I was just watching a documentary abt the Land of Mosuo. It is one of the last matriarchal societies. Sex is practised freely. People get together lived together and can part anytime. Even when they have a kid. And men are treated as a procreation tool. Quite an interesting culture. But they interview this woman that was walked out by a guy..she was very upset but she accepted it as a matter of fact even though the woman knows that he left her for another woman. Hmm I wonder if it is a difficult place for women or men though women are supposed to rule.

2009-03-16T21:16:00.005+08:00

Addiction to Lucky by Jason Mraz recently. It's been weeks and Im still playing the song few times a day. Really sweet song that makes me close my eyes and dream. I imagined a wedding with a guy playing this song on guitar...etc etc. Beautiful and romantic.

Liang Jing Ru's new album is also very very nice - particularly like 2 songs "SHU YU" and "MEI YOU RU GUO". For the second song I like the verses that go: 如果我说爱我没有如果错过就过你是不是会难过若如果拿来当借口那是不是有一点弱如果我说爱我没有如果真的爱我就放手一搏还想什么还怕什么快牵起我的手. This song is done in an R&B style, pretty nice.. though the middle part's lyrics are not really written with that great techniques. These 2 starting verses are really nice and there is this line in e middle that goes: 别怕太快乐. Simple line. It stems from e happiness when you think you like someone... and then you try to control your liking for somebody that's how the line comes abt. *smile* this song is written really well..asking somebody to express and declare love if there really is. But I guess it is hard..... that is why the most beautiful stories are those with no answers, no conclusions and that never ending "....". The harder it is to close a chapter, the more pain you feel, the more desires you have, the more that chapter is treasured. Perhaps it is just like that...so I should leave the unclosed chapters open ended? The song ai mei will describe the feelings of an unclosed chapter best. I gota keep telling myself each time I flip those old chapters.. that hey ger thats over when some part of me tells me it is not. Those pictures in the old chapters appear in my mind again..those walks..those songs..those talks..that dance floor which i really want to go down to create that first and last romantic dance. I was so afraid of creating memories so I hesitate. Even though I know the moments of creation will bring me utmost happiness. If my hand was taken, I would have gone ahead to create the memory and that smile but it was not. I guess this song really describes all these. All the 'If's. But still, towards some things, I do not think I will still take too much initiatives. I will stop just here coz it hurts. Karma? HF, time to let go and say bye to B..chapter B. And Im hearing the song that is now playing: 'It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. I never knew I could hurt like this. And everyday life goes on Like..I wish I could talk to you for awhile I wish I could find a way try not to cry..As time goes by'.

Recently hearing lotsa love stories. All sorts of love stories. I feel like writing abt all the love stories but do not feel like wanting to be part of any love story. Maybe do not want to be part of any story without love. Recently I came across this line that I think makes a lot of sense. "Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone." Yeah, perhaps I should inch out of my comfort zone soon. Sometimes, getting into a new relationship is like getting out of your old comfort zone to get into a new comfort zone, isnt it? But the steps taken in between the zones can be painful, lonely and sad. It is usually hard to decide to take that step out.

Let me end with the song 属于.

我坚持的都值得坚持吗
我所相信的就是真的吗
如果我敢追求我就敢拥有吗
而如果都算了不要呢

或许吧或许我永远都不会遇见他
或许吧或许我太天真了吧

属于我的昨天之前的结局我决定我的决定
属于我的明天之后的憧憬我迷信我的迷信
属于我们点点滴滴的伤心我们要各自忘记
属于我们闪闪发亮的爱情我们再一起努力

属于风的那就去飞翔吧
属于海洋的那就汹涌的
属于我们的爱该来的就来吧
为什么不敢呢不要呢是他吧

命中早就注定了的那个他是他吧
他原来就在这里啊

2009-03-09T21:23:00.002+08:00

I did things I hardly ever done in my life -- asking people out w/o caring what they think. Getting rejected for dinners, rejecting pple for dinners. Haha for once I dont care. I realise it is not really abt courage after all..it was abt pride.. n now it is abt going for what I want? I duno. Well since life is short, youth is short.. go get what I want, be in whoever's company I want to be in, enjoy whatever food I like, enjoy whatever alcohol I like, dress in the way I like, dance crazily as I like. I like the me that danced prettily and confidently on that podium in a short tube and translucent scarf and with my grey eyes. That was in 07. Pretty, young and wild. I like the me that broke the dance floor under the eyes of the whole club. Who cares? who knows me anyway? I felt so good then.. Confidence is beautiful.

There s this guy that seems to be interested in me. He is old. He is rich. He is a foreigner. Crazy isnt it? That I can attract such guys. He likes my strong personality he says. He likes the excitement from the challenges I give. Or rather from me being the big challenge myself. Maybe that's what guys like abt me. And that's why they do a lot of things. And that's why they try so hard to prove this n that. Then that can be challenging for me too -- coz I cant tell who is the one genuinely in love with me.

I feel like giving up this whole thing abt love. Abt falling in love and being loved. But I cant deny that liking someone makes me happy. Makes my heart jump. Makes me wait. And perhaps eventually makes me cry. Recently once in a while I envision some nice images.. of me falling in love with someone.. and he doing everything he could becoz he loves me. But I am dreaming.. because I am not sure if I am in love.. and I duno who I will really fall for.. and whether I am realli starting to fall in love suddenly recently. My diaries (written manually at home) contains so many contradictory entries.

Then I have so many weird and exciting dreams recently.. Dreamt that I went to somewhere real cold with nice snow.. Dreamt that I flew a little jet like plane in light snow.. Dreamt that I have a screwed up wedding in a orangy pinky wedding gown (yucks!) and the wedding was messily planned. Or rather there was no plan. And I dunno who's the groom haha. Are these signs of my desired freedom?

I really wish for someone to take me away from here. Blindfold me.. Fly me away.. Lead me to somewhere I duno.. and walk/explore that whole place hand in hand.. N I keep thinking of the song Boston coz it's a lil like what Im feeling now. *smile* actually it's quite happy imagining these with an unknown face that I will be in love with. I think holding hands is a very nice feeling compared to someone holding my shoulders or my waist. But holding hands is like an almost sacred thing to me. It is magical. I can hug anyone but I just cant hold hands with anyone. And esp for me to hold his hands tight... he must be more than just a friend, more than just a lover or partner. I haven really held any hands tight and with that magical feeling for a long time. In the past when I loved this guy so much, I sometimes will close my eyes and imagine my hands in his. Very silly isnt it.

2009-03-03T16:45:00.003+08:00

I was sorting out fotos just now.. came across some really old msn archives.. oh my goodness.. way back into time. Not that long just 2-3 yrs ago... Saw some really touching conversations and some conversations that makes me feel abit teary between me and hmmm wat name should i give.. ok bb as hes known recently. And abt how ms fuu was the culprit of certain situations back then (which i totally or nearly forgotten all by now). Perhaps it is her again.. this time round. Although there is nothing between me and b nw he was once a special person to me. And I do get abit sad that we no longer talk so closely and keep each other in each other's lives like back then. I remember once during uni i smsed a qn saying I wonder how I will be like 10 yrs from now. And his reply was 10 yrs from that point in time, he will be by my side with our memories deeply clutched in our heads. That sms remains in my mind for a looong time. And I knew that very likely it will not come true. I feel bad.. I am the one that eventually stops our relationship from taking a step further I am the one who wants to stop contact. Only after like1-2 yrs, I feel ok I got over the hurt due to him and I realised I told all these only to ms fuu again. mabe thats why they got closer and exclude me. and B did not have any response to the letter/mail that I sent him last yr. Maybe I am the naive one -- thinking he is really the emotional/passionate pisces that still keeps feelings in him. Frankly, I was disappointed then. But from his no reaction, I concluded to myself that that's it between him and me. He has long got over the so called someone he ever did so many things and confessions to before. The feelings may run deep in the past for him but they also disappeared over the period of time I disappeared. When I re read the letter, I felt abit touched. Does he not? Maybe guys are like that..once over it's over. They dont look back, they dont remember, they dont feel. esp if they have moved on with someone new. But many times I do miss his company.

Now that we have grown up... I felt that it was a pity and I never did get a chance to tell him before that I really liked him before. It is probably the only regret and I will never be able to tell him again. Because the same words will not hold as much meaning for the same two persons anymore after few yrs. And the same words will not garner as much reaction, as much love, as much feelings as before.

I duno why it is always after yrs then I realise how much I liked or loved someone before. It happened to me for a few persons including this person. To my first love, I told him I love him when he has fallen asleep. To my ex, I told him once only in sms when I had a nightmare. While listening to some old songs while typing this, it just feels more nostalgic for me. Recently when I heard waiting for you on my player.. i tot of b and the old times. The kinda joyful and more carefree me even though I was going through that bad patch.

I saw some fotos i took during that time also. Wedding bands advertisements one of them. I guess I have always yearn for a xin fu life. Where xin fu does not come from my career advancement or money, but from reasonable good life with someone I love sharing those things with me. Someone that loves me too. At that pt in time, I felt I could with b but his behaviour plus that childishness keeps hurting me until I gave up. I wonder if he is back to his this self now again -- was he ever really reformed before (quoting his word reformed)? Maybe he was when I wanted to give up on him.

I duno why recently I just kept dwelling in the past. Maybe now Im in too upset a phase in life that I wish to go back to the past. Not the old past.. but just a couple of yrs ago. I duno why Im in such a down state now.. when by right I should feel the honeymoon love and feel the reborn me. I felt reborn and fresh and happy on this day last year in April. It was a coincidence that it was a day that mark the fresh me (out of the old sadness and bad patch since 2006) because the day happened to be one of my anniversary days with someone in the past. And having moved on into a new phase last April, I should be a happy huifang isnt it? But I just am not, not really anyone's fault, it's more of myself.

I probably demands too much and expects too much. Wanting too much for people to match me. And maybe I am too influenced by certain few pple in my life that money has became such an important factor in my life.. that I feel unhappy when I feel that at the mid pt of twenties, I still do not have someone that I can feel emotionally and financially secure with such that we can plan life ahead. I feel unhappy to be stuck there.. or having to take steps backward.. coz in my whole life I have been challenging time to be ahead. And when I finally am, I have to stop there and/or even turned back.

I feel bad.. because of all these bad feelings.. I might have hurt someone's dignity. I dont want to but I duno who else to say all those things to. I really really want and need someone mature and wen zhong enough that is at the same phase as me. Maybe this is karma. With my ex, I was the one in the later phase while he is in the panicky state like what I am in now. And I broke up with him because I was still young and couldnt see eye to eye with him plus I was still a wild ger that just got to see the world then on top of some fundamental differences. Sometimes, I was asked this qn: Do u not regret your decision then? My answer will be yes, I would have still broken up despite what I realise and understand today. Coz the fundamental differences are there and unresolvable and I just cant force myself to become the 25 yr-old me faster until I am really 25 yrs old. And if I chose to stay on and wait till 25 yrs old, I may still be unhappy with him because I would not have gone through the same things I have gone through these few yrs without him.

Life is really abt timings. Marriage is really about marrying the person you meet at the right time and right feelings coming together at the same time. Two persons may be in love, but they did not meet at the right time. Love may overcome some obstacles but not all unfortunately. We are in a modern world now with new connotations of living together and about love. It just isnt the same anymore.

I feel really kind of lost recently. I think it is the way I have viewed things. Until now, I still have difficulty looking at the same thing using another angle. It's really easier said than done. Sometimes, I want to run away. I yearn for freedom. Freedom from these current worries, freedom from strings attached, freedom from people's perceptions. I cannot reach my ideal yet I have been trying so hard and forcing someone so hard to reach my ideal with me. Maybe I should grant him freedom too. He probably does not have the same ideal as me and probably has his own definition of happiness and freedom. Why should his life and what he does be dictated by me even though he may say he want to do all these for me and because he loves me? I think he probably is lost himself in his world and in my world. Perhaps the alternative solution is for me to change my ideal and my expectations. Will I be able to do that? How can I do that? Will I really be happier if I do that? Not sure, I am lost. Really.

What I really feel like doing is go back to fort canning and enjoy my own bottle of wine while looking down that huge patch of grass, not bothered by what tomorrow may hold for me.

2009-02-26T22:28:00.002+08:00

Another few months passed again. Recently, got back into contact with and heard from some old frens, with some once-very-impt pple in my life. Feels weird I dont know why. That everyone is on a very different path now when we used to walk the same one. And positions of everyone in everyone's else's heart has changed. I felt unused to it. Maybe I ve been taking some things for granted. Always thought some things will always remain the same. But they don't.

I guess I just need to accept the facts and remind myself all is over even though I miss some of those days in 06 and 07. Those days of my first alcohol, mad nights, freedom in 06.. It was the year of transition between the younger innocent girl to a more mature adult as I see and experience more things. It felt like I grew up overnight. Then in 07.. those nights at st james, continued nights of music and dancing followed by my addiction to alcohol.... Oh my gdness. short period of intensive madness. I really loved it then.

Somehow my health went down in 08..and things happened in 08..that pulled me out of that path.. Life got more serious.. love appears and disappears.. freedom found and lost. And now Im staring at the 25th year in my life. I have lots of ideals I want to fulfil but am a little disappointed that I won't be able to. Would have wished for a stable rs now at the phase of planning future routes followed by owning a house together by 27 and getting married by 28 (after a yr of planning in the midst of renovating hse etc). N of coz travel Europe before 30. Yeah... that's my ideal. Really really dreamed of that. Once in a while, I felt that I am so ready to settle down already. But coz of the distance from the ideal, my insecurity just makes me feel a bit dejected and made me wana return to my age of freedom and mad nights out.

My fortune teller says I have a life that leans towards marrying a divorced man. haha. Maybe then it is possible to realise my dreams? Ahhh. crap. gtg. continue another time.

2008-11-24T21:42:00.002+08:00

I just got back from my 2-week holiday in Japan. It's a fantastic trip..so good that I don't feel like going back to work anymore. Im missing it from the second I alighted from the train to Narita airport.

So many things have happened over these few months. That I nearly even wanted to cancel the trip. So many miracles also happened in the same period. Went thru large swings in moods as well as extremes in moods... N this was also the period I realised and got enlightened on so many things. Felt so much older and felt like a different person. Saw perspectives Ive never seen before and I really appreciate everything and everyone around me.

I guess it's only this time I realised how important health is. And I really wish for good health for myself and everyone around me. It is scary how health can ruin somebody's life. N it is also scary how bad health can take away money...that's when I also became desperate for money. But like what my friend said, he's glad that I am looking at proper means to that instead of turning to some weird channels. It was also the first time I have to put principles and needs on the same table and make decisions. I made all the right choices and decisions. And even though I did not feel that I needed anyone by my side, I am still glad that someone stood by me all the time. It is funny isnt it..the more depressed and down I am, the more I feel independent and the more I feel that I can walk alone. Perhaps there is a breaking point? After a certain breaking point of depression, I feel that way? Otherwise, during my usual small sadnesses, I would want to talk to somebody..

And one of the good miracles amidst the bad things that happened was I think I am in love again. I never expected myself to fall in love again since many yrs ago. Somehow I am feeling some kinda feelings that I have not felt for very long so I guess that must be love. What kind of love I am not sure.. but it would be sth that may turn its back to hurt me very deeply should it fail. Not too sure if I'm ready to bear the risk, but there is no turning back for me already. I don't know what would be the outcome and whats gona be in the future... all I can pray for is as many right paths as possible at all the crossroads in my life so that I can be led to as close to the rainbow as possible. With my love by my side, of course.

2008-08-26T23:47:00.003+08:00

Only after 2 yrs I cried for the first time and second time after the breakup. Does it take so long to forget the bad times.. n take so long to have the whole memory reshaped n things to be forgiven..Or did I have such a retarded reaction to a breakup? So retarded that supposed 'break-up' tears come 2 yrs after? Touching that tt little thing that surprisingly does not fit me anymore..after 2 or rather 2.5 yrs?

The first time I cried was when I lost some things.. some very significant things.. The second time was when I suddenly feel so lost and missed the feeling of security n order.. Only until now being in a new rs..I understand how difficult it is to be the person guiding in the relationship n how difficult it was when one party is prepared to move forward with another party that is not/cant in the same phase yet.

Isnt life ironic? But it took me these 2 yrs or more to realise there is so much more that I did not see nor understand from his perspective. From his very simple perspective of companionship. I guess one can only understand and appreciate that simplicity after yrs of relationship fatigue..after disappointments..n only until one reaches a certain age.. Maybe that's why love/feelings/passion is not as impt compared to the simplicity of companionship love. Maybe that's why companionship love to him then was 'sufficient'? It was also after this long while I flipped my diary and saw this qn he always asked me in the start "Am I sufficient for you?".. I always didnt understand..but now I do. Because I need a guy that is 'sufficient' for me in all aspects of life, in order to make me happy.

Perhaps r/s between 2 persons at different phases of life is really difficult to build. I feel bad, feel apologetic and feel that there reali existed some form of love between us in the past. Not the passionate intense kind but just the simple companionship kind. And back then, what I needed is to feel that chemistry, that passion, that intensity. Do I still need that now? Yes I do and on top of that, companionship love can gradually supplement the lack in passion/intensity for the present me, unlike the me in the past. Maybe as I get older, I become less demanding in terms of that? But I think I become more demanding in more practical terms definitely.

I was alwiz told 'do not compromise on ur needs because you deserve better'. I really need someone to be deserving of me and my whole life's time.

2008-07-26T18:58:00.003+08:00

I have been feeling blue the whole week and my frens are not encouraging. Well, words are meant to be for consideration, not necessary action all the time. I do not know whether it is fortunate or unfortunate that during this down period, I have this him that really do things that make me smile, say words that make me feel better. Fortunate coz I have a fren like that that does not need to ask to sense that Im blue and knows what I need. Unfortunate coz he is not my boyfriend and I wish that the person doing these things is not him.

Been thinking a lot these few days. Wondering what is right what is wrong. I guess there is no right or wrong, it is a matter of mindset and changing my perspective. With age, I get more cautious, more risk adverse and more mature in relationship. That's why and how my needs also evolve. I keep thinking if I should really give it another chance again or should I give up. I really need him to assure me, motivate me, give me faith and help me regain hope and optimism. But he doesnt know that he needs to do all these.. or maybe he knows but dunno when and where to start. I just do not feel that he is putting very deep thoughts into steering it. Should I really take up the guy's role and start shaping it? I don't really feel that I'm in a relationship.. More like having the status that's all.

Some months back when I was still single, I knew what I want. I hope for someone to come along, sweep me off my feet and create this whole new meaning in life for me. Where I know that life is not just abt my career but abt sharing life. I envisioned such a nice future and life with a mate. Yah..maybe Im really a die-hard romantic that's why those images never appear in my real life right nw. I still feel single which is great, but I don't feel that I have a special someone which is sad. I am still the same old hf that gets through all the hard times by self-motivation. I find myself encouraging myself, comforting myself many times. If only Im a guy...sigh. Sometimes I feel sad for him, he missed out the experience of first love, the experience of doing crazy things with a loved one, the experience of a honeymoon period in a relationship. Though Im also sad myself, I have been through romances so it's ok. I just wish that it can happen with him, otherwise I will feel a bit unfair to him. It's not that I cant be a loving gf, it's not that I cant be nice to him, it's not that I cant do things for him...but when the 'setting', 'feel' and structure of the whole rs is weird, how can I do it.. I was never such a cold girlfren in e past..

Guess what.. when Im feeling blue and blogging now, he calls me. That him is not my boyfriend again. This is like the duno which time this happens.

A call. I jump. Hope it's bf that probably can talk to me and cheer me up. But I see that other him's number. Hear his soothing voice and really nice words.

A msg beep early in e morning. I hope again. Not him. Second msg beep. Not him. I reach office. Third beep. Still not him. Amongst these sometimes, its the other him. "R u on way to work? Train so packed! Hws u?" "R u feeling better than ydae?" "Chat you later ok?"

I send a sms. Shall be direct tell him Im down. Not very encouraging reply. Then 1 hr passed, 2 hrs, 3 hrs, whole afternoon...Another him calls me. Another him talk to me. That other him does nt know why Im blue but he senses it.

Late at night. Hint hint again. Wait for reply. No reply after 2 msgs from someone else. Phone rings. Yay he finally responds. Pick up the fone. It's that other him "U ok ger? Better ger?" Why does he know n my bf doesnt know?

Stress at work. Hope to hear his call or at least a msg. None. That other him got me sth to cheer me up, give me a call just to distract me from work for a few min. Simple words, simple things but really sweet n melting. I wish he is someone else.

Out with frens. Im blue. N waiting for his msg coz dun dare to wait for a call anymore. Msg beep. 3 times. Still none is him. Den when I wana give up waiting, a msg comes in. It's that other him. I cant help but respond to him telling him Im down even when Im with my frens. "Y blue ger?" "Quarrel ah?" "Silly. Dont be ok? I m always here ger". "Hugs. I hope u be ok. Miss ya."

And the thing is... It's not everyday that this other him does all these for me, or sms me. In fact he hardly. But he will just appear when I am weakest, when I need someone, when I need some comfort. Very sensitive to my moods and feelings. That's the scary part. If he's doing all these everydae like other suitors, I will ignore all these things. But it's not.. Hes not even going after me. Yet he can be so sensitive and responsive. I used to be in this role for him too. But not as sensitive as him. But I will know hes not ok when everyone din think there is anything wrong. I will be able to see through his smile and his eyes. Maybe he can see the real me beyond my facial expressions too?

But I do not want all these to come from him. . .

2008-07-05T20:26:00.003+08:00

听说 - 刘若英

听说你身边有新面孔听说你不再寂寞听说你提起我
我过得不错忙碌中还有感动尝试爱过几个人面对爱也诚实许多
只能被听说安排着关于你我的对的或错的两个人曾经相似的却以为都变了
只能靠听说各自爱着不需要证明当时决定是错的
想着聊络不如心底远远问候最美丽
莫过于听说你还回忆其实我也感激当我听说你还相信爱情
听说我巷口你常经过听说你厌倦寂寞
听说你问候我听说我身边有新面孔听说你祝福我

nice lyrics =)

Life has been quite an irony this past month.. When certain fates are intertwined, you just can never run away from them. Was listening to A Mei's 如果你也听说.. I find myself relating to this verse.. "突然发现站了好久不知道要往哪走还不想回家的我再多人陪只会更寂寞".. Love her mtv..It reminds me of myself. I have been roaming the streets of life.. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't. A lot of laughter as well as a lot of tears including those that were shed alone. It's not that I don't wish to settle down.. But I have not found the reason to.

I think the last time when I smiled from my heart is when I was 17. A phone call that made me smile so widely that I am unable to even fake a normal smile-less face for at like half an hr. I remembered I have so much difficulty trying to unstretch my lips haha. I didnt know that there can be so intense happiness that one can actually have problem stopping the smile. Other times when I smile like that..hmm probably during my 21st bdae coz of frens.. Den over the past few yrs.. I keep receiving smses from a few pple like "Smile fang.." "Smile ger.." "Dont forget to smile.." "Smile, ur smile is the most captivating." "Smile today ok?" "Keep smiling." "I miss your smile." And my response to them is always a smile with a frown. It was until a friend told me my eyes have not smiled for yrs then I realise it has been really a while since I did smile.

Ya I guess thats why Im blogging now too.. I usually blog only when I feel down or when there are things I am thinking abt. I just got a call while blogging.. My fren is visiting a p sch fren that she hasnt really seen since p sch.. n the reason is coz he's got leukaemia and he already has not much time left. He's only 24 and trying desperately to buy time. It's so sad.. Life is so vulnerable and short. Sometimes we just take things and people for granted. A lot of things to cherish with that little time we have.

Another saturday at home has passed..spent thinking, reflecting and slacking. =)

2008-07-02T21:20:00.004+08:00

Just finished watching a show.. Last part makes me cry again. Or rather true love always makes me cry. True love is the whole meaning about life. Love brings u tears but it takes u out from tears. I guess love is the thing that will bring you home.

Read sth interesting today -- a 28 yr-old single's woes. It says that when she is 2 yrs away from that 30-yr-old alarm, she is lonely yet afraid to give. Ironic but often true. 2 days ago, I met up with my ex boss.. we were talking abt some relationship stuff.. n he said sth that stayed in my mind these few days. He said that he always treat his every new relationship like it's the first. I think it is not easy, and it is sth that I never thought of before as a way to make a relationship work.

Perhaps it is the world we live in..the stories we hear.. that make us always harbour expectations of a rs, that make us form images of what a relationship should be like. I guess I am no exception. Plus previous experiences I have had.. it always makes me wonder if I don't feel in a certain way, does that mean I am not in love? Yesterday, when I was sorting out fotos and coming across photos of me and my ex, it feels different already. I was very sure last time that I did not love him. But when I think back abt us, everithing we do we sae etc was all so natural, so smooth with no pretence... and the ways I just wana do things for the us in the past. Surprisingly, when I think abt my current one, how come it is not as smooth as my previous despite the previous being a not-much-love relationship? I do lesser things, I'm always held back when I want to do certain actions, want to say certain words, want to type certain smses that all end up in drafts or deleted items. So I thought perhaps there reali was some kinda love in the past for my ex, just that it cud be a mature form where no more excitement exists? Not too sure. If not, it must be the insecurity I am feeling in my current relationship that makes this such a frenli yet havin sth lacking kinda relationship?

Probably I just keep feeling that the more I give, the larger disappointment I will get in future. At the same time, when I don't give or hold back my givings, I felt unnatural and sometimes unhappy. It is very hard when I just don't want to get hurt again. But I know that I wun be lucky enough to avoid getting hurt. N who will be by my side when that happens? Coz one I am vulnerable to hurt, second no one can promise that he/she wun hurt you at all even if he/she loves u. I just don't want to be a victim of love again. I am already very glad that I have loved before and the person I loved once loved me as crazily before. In a lifetime, not everione is lucki to feel the feeling of falling in love and even if one felt it before, the other party may not be feeling like e way you do. So I alwiz thought that with that, I have no regrets abt love. Some of my frens even admire me for having this kinda experience before despite the loss.

Well.. as I think abt wat my ex boss says, go into every relationship as though is a new and first one.. I think that is probably the solution. Every relationship and everi love probably feels different at a different age and at a different phase in life. As one grows older and have had more experiences before, falling in love probably just cant entail certain form of innocence, craziness and impracticality. So the feeling would be different? Though certain fundamentals shud be there la. I don't know. I feel confused. What kinda happiness shud I feel? Where is the very blissful feeling that I shud have? What is right? What is wrong? How should I make things right? How can I open up? How can I trust someone all over again? I guess I am feeling like the 28-yr old I was talking abt.

"I've been watching but the stars refused to shine.. I've been searching but I just don't see the light..I know that it's out there..There's got to something for my soul somewhere."

2008-06-28T22:11:00.002+08:00

"They are attached yet they lived like they are single as ever." That's how I feel too :) Good or bad? I guess that is also what I wanted, just that something to keep it there is lacking. I think it is me again. I am feeling as independent and carefree as before but I don't like the feeling of me not needing anyone and not feeling needed. That means I still havent felt complete. I always feel that we should be with someone that we can't live without instead of someone I can live with.

But sometimes I wonder if it is really true that I never felt lonely leading my single life. Whether I really can live without somebody. Thinking back, I have never felt lonely but it's because I have so many things that keep me occupied. All these occupations that include hanging out with frens, going for ying chou appts or gatherings, dating potentials..they are probably windows that shut my inner self? Esp dates..they probably help me feel that I am not lonely because i get a feeling that there is a potential future with someone? Maybe without all the suitors and all the dates I would really feel that I eventually still need somebody? These dates are probably illusions and distractions in my life that steer me even more towards my want to be single. Ironic huh? Just some random thoughts when I was staring at my reflection against the dark in the library window... I felt like hugging myself then. Is that how those certain few special or once special guys feel when they look at me in my eyes?

Yet amidst all these tots, I recalled this song that I will play whenever I am sad or going thru a dark time in my rs ever since the age of 15. "I Believe" by Yamaguchi. "When Im feeling small, When it's cold outside, I don't know who I should recall and when I need a special someone just by my side, who was there?"... chorus that keeps repeating "I Believe..someday I will love someone who's by my side. My special one will come along..I pray everydae". Maybe deep inside me I still hope to find a special one that I will want to lose my independence to.

How can I regain energy and motivation to really fall into a relationship? I find myself unable to give coz I am afraid. It is so not me to be so unloving so not wanting to do things. Ive never been so lazy in a rs... maybe coz I am no longer young, innocent and naive to believe in fairy tale love stories..and maybe coz I have no more courage to throw myself into a big sea of uncertainies and insecurities again. By choosing to break up 2 yrs ago, I know I have already thrown myself into this sea.. But by living alone, I thought I am swimming well. Now that sth else came along.. I am lost in the same sea again. No directions, no shore in sight.

It is also now I realise how much I need someone mature and really wen zhong in order to feel secure. Someone that can really plan for the future, someone who has foresight, someone who really has the fighting spirit.

2008-06-08T00:01:00.002+08:00

A long tiring but rather happy day. Though ended the day on a little small sad note. I attended my fren's ROM today. Beautiful setting at keppel club, nice pavilion by the sea and in front of a pool. Just a little pity that it was raining. But well, most importantly, it's abt the couple that look really happy and blissful. It's such a special occassion for both of them n I felt really happy for her. I was a little sick before going there but once I reached there, the happiness I felt for her just somehow overwhelmed all that. I just love attending such happy events. N these are events that make me feel so so happy even though it's not for myself. I can be happy the whole day just seeing a happy couple tie the knot.

Ironically, I am someone that still does not believe in marriages. Maybe, it's not the lack of belief but the lack of courage. Marriage, to me, is like a promise, a decision that involves a great deal of certainty. It is definitely not just a paper to me, it is something further and deeper way beyond all the legal implications of that piece of paper. And this decision has to be made with maturity. But to me, marriage and relationships have lost that magical element after all these yrs. I used to envision really beautiful relationships and companionships that is so magical when I was young. But as I walked on in life, I realised it is not as beautiful as I thought or as I want it to be. I think it is because of my experiences that I have. Not that I have not experienced the magic of love before, just that I have experienced and witnessed much more hurting things before. It really drains one as you walk in and out of people's lives, of relationships, of courtships etc etc. I lost track of how many times I have walked in and out of others' lives and each time it is different. And each time I walked out, the me is slightly different and slightly more jaded. Guess that's why now I feel so drained and just don't have the same kinda energy and freshness that I used to have facing new relationships. But I think the largest factor is still the fear and lack of courage. I just cannot imagine walking into someone's life and coming out of it again. I do not think I can recover as fast and most likely I will choose to be single for life. To me, going into a relationship now is as gd as taking a huge risk. I will never know how I will walk out of it.. I will never know how I may be hurt.. though there is a possibility that is may lead to sth happy that may just transform my life. But I still don't have the courage to try..

Anyway, I watched sex and the city today too. It is awesome. Fantastic show. The 2.5 hours definitely din feel like it was. Shall blog abt it another time =)

2008-06-01T11:59:00.003+08:00

I chanced upon this in fm's blog.. sounds really sad.

爱情笑话

当爱情临终的时候，她告诉女人，她的一生是一个笑话。男人和女人彼此相爱的时候，她很快乐，所以，她是真实的。一对傻傻的人，把她当作花蜜，当作季风，当作生命，当作这一生中最幸福的笑话。

讲给所有的人听，讲给爱的那个人听，一辈子也不觉得自己傻，狠不能让全世界的人都知道，她将是这一生说也说不完的故事。说起来的时候，就笑，笑容在阳光下，在细雨里，在晨曦中，在斜阳下，无时无刻不是美丽地绽放，为了爱情，这个可爱的笑话。

可有一天，男人告诉女人，他的心分出去了一点点，他的爱也不再属于她一个人，女人哭了。爱情也哭了。笑话，她对男人说，我们的爱不是应该厮守到老的么？

是的，男人没看女人的眼睛，也许他不敢看，也许他看累了，他舔舔嘴唇（女人想，多么性感的嘴唇，他的，曾经只属于我一个人的，只吻过我的嘴唇，却就这样把吻也分给了别人）。

是的，男人说，我想我们还是能厮守到老的。可我这次，想离开一会，因为，你的爱情把我淹没了。你的笑话让我终日微笑，不能自主。给我一刻的安静，好么？也许，我会回来，也许，我就此走得更远。无论如何，你都要相信，我还是爱你的，永远爱你。

女人沉默了。她想知道是不是值得赌上一把，要么，男人真的还能回心转意，要么，大家都在这个笑话中死去，当然，还有那已经僵在脸上的笑容。

她去问自己的心。心告诉她，别让他走，因为你爱他，因为你还爱着这个笑话，因为你还在真心为她微笑。她去问男人的心。男人的心不说话。他只说，我累了。我的微笑让我觉得痛苦。我的生命不再因此快乐。你给我安静。哪怕片刻。

她去问爱情。爱情也不说话。我快死了，爱情想了很久，告诉女人，别为我伤心，因为我是一个笑话。

你们相爱的时候，我曾是一个幸福的笑话，你们争吵的时候，我曾是个冷漠的笑话。而现在，她看看女人，我要死了。

你们相识的那天，我一定就会死去。这是注定的。只是死的时候，如果你们还在一起，我就从笑话变成了奇迹，变成了亲情，变成了你们熟视无睹的生活部分。如果不幸，你们分开了，我就仍然是个笑话。只是如此的残酷，该笑的时候，你们中的一个却在绝望地哭。

对不起，爱情告诉女人，我也不想死，可这是你命中的劫数。我还会活过来，但是没人知道那会是多久，也不知道是在何时。我在男人的心里留下了我最后的一滴泪水，我却不知道是否能沁湿他坚硬的心脏。

不必再等了，爱情对女人说，你看，窗外秋意正浓。埋好了我，你就离开他。

也许，我很快又会醒来，而这一次，我希望我能变成你生命里的奇迹。

女人含着泪，松开了手，爱情便化掉了，化做了风，化做了雨，化做了女人生命里最爱的那个笑话。只是，这次只有她一个人在心里微笑了。

早晨的时候，她对着镜子，轻轻拭了眼角的那滴泪。给你安静，她转身笑着对男人说，如果这会是另一个女人笑话的开始，那么，给你安静。

How many times have we seen stories like that? All over the world are millions of married couples who are not even married because of love. Is it because love will eventually die anyway? Is it because love is reali jus a tale? Just a joke? Just sth that exists in fairy tales and in nicholas sparks' novels?

Probably it is true.. love will eventually dies.. and what it transforms into will determine whether the two persons choose to stay or walk separate ways. Though I still believe miracles do occur... It's still once in a million story..

2008-05-27T23:40:00.003+08:00

I miss my bud =S I finally talk to him on msn after so many mths. It was jus plain gd companionship back in uni when both of us were single.. we jus go out go out go out n have our own time n throw each other away when we feel like. He's so right in this description. He asked mi a qn: how wud it have been if we continued with our companionship? I told him we will still get attached to someone else somehow.. get busy n mia for a while.. den we will get back to catch up anitime.. sounds gd sounds cool? He sae this is a 'symbiotic rs'. yeah.

Even though it has been mths since we talked.. I will jus be still as concerned abt his sch, his babe, his family.. n vice versa.. n we talked like we jus did ydae. How mani such frenships can I get? I feel like gg back to that kinda life.. sitting in restaurants, in cafes n talk whole dae. Mabe coz Im feeling down. It was during my hollow n down stage back then that I spent most of my time with him den.. Maybe it's time again? But he's flyin next wk.. Too bad he cant drink alcohol coz of religion else it will be just perfect. N he cant explain to his ger for meeting up with mi so we can onli meet at certain times =S

I dunno who to talk to.. n I just packed my weekends like mad again. Mabe I realli just cant...just cant be in a rs. Probably even the most trustworthy person also must hurt you once. I am just numb to all these after so loong? Why din I choose to stay in that happy period for some time longer..? Ya mabe I would miss out sth I might regret..but everiting tt starts will just add stress? aiya... I dunno wat Im talking abt. I feel quite emotionless now actually.

Why have I been seeing shadows of a one person in another? Am I missing out on sth?

2008-05-06T23:23:00.002+08:00

Ive been talking to many frens recently about their rs problems and was quite affected. Why can't relationships n affairs be simple and harmless? Even I cannot answer that myself coming from a life full of complicated stories to tell.

I am envious of people who have only one relationship in their lives sometimes then they will never experience the hurt and the devastating break-up. And they will not go ard asking what is love or whether they are in love. But I used to tell myself if I do not go through all these different emotions in life, what will that make me or my life?

I once wanted my memories to be washed away so that I can start afresh like a brand new person with brand new energy. But I remembered I also once said that the thing I am most afraid of losing is my memory. Now, if I were to choose again, I do not think I want my past to be erased anymore. Because it so defines me.

I have been stoning a lot again. My moods fluctuate a lot too. I don't think it's pms coz I hardly have it. So it must be myself. Sometimes I feel confused I feel lost. I was very happy by myself for a while. Was it too soon to rush into sth? Or maybe it was too late? I dunno. I think I cannot tell what I am thinking of and what I want. I thought I was ready, or was I not? I can't stop doubting myself and I don't trust myself now. Could it be because of too many worries and concerns that is why I cant remain that happy as I was before? I told myself to live in the present, hold on to all the todays but I realise it is just so hard to do.

I chanced upon letters written to me, letters I wrote before. I find there is a need to write back to at least one or two persons who were once special in my life. I still need to thank them for everything done for me. Somehow, I am just not someone that forgets what pple have done for me before.. I really do appreciate (though not in the way the other party would wish) but I am not good at expressing it. Life is kinda messy now. I think I complicate things too much by thinking too much.

My fren just told me to look at her msn nick that goes : "we are always looking for that right person, but are we the right person? ". Yes, it is so hard to find someone that is 'the one' and you being 'the one' for him. It is hard to even know if someone is 'the one'. Very often, you will only find out when he leaves your life. My another fren saes that the person she is looking for is someone that is a soul mate. Will a soul mate naturally be the one? I found someone that was like my soul mate.. he thought I could be the one coz we have never met anione that just reads each other so well and having same fetishes and likings. But does it mean he is the one? I don't know but I dun think so. I think someone will be 'the one' for me once I fall in love for him ba. As simple as that. But what is holding me back?

2008-03-02T01:01:00.002+08:00

I feel so stupid reading my previous post. A little foolish to cherish and remember all these things when the other party has long moved on. Yah.. feeling a bit unomfy c-ing him and his new ger. Not the feeling of jealousy, neither is it sadness. Just weird. Weird. More of hating myself for being so foolish. Perhaps.. it's normal to feel like that.. I duno.. esp for girls bah. When you c tt person u once have with another new person.. imagining tt person taking up e place.. etc etc.. Ok can someone just delete the dates, the numbers and everiting tt is to do with him in my mind? No one else remembers it now, come on. A first love that doesnt mean a thing now.

Ok.. Writing abt it makes me feel ok already. I so feel like deleting him from my contact list, from my frenster etc etc. Want him to get out. I so feel like having a beer now. Ok yeah Im fine and Im missing someone else today. I dunno wats with us, wat he is thinking and wat he is doing. And worst of all, I dunno wats with me. Im doing everything I can to destroy my image and to turn him off I seriously dunno why Im doing all these and why Im so nasty. *faints* Initially Im back to normal self but over the past wk im the nasty me again.

But well.. mabe coz of sth tt happened tt affected mi. I duno how to bring it up but I do feel uncomfortable. Oh well. Damn it. I shall just concentrate on my books this weekend.

And ya.. Im praying for luck for whatever Im facing prolly the next week onwards.

2008-02-11T21:49:00.000+08:00

Feeling nostalgic. I wanted to open some horoscope file..but somehow by accident or not I click on tt folder and a random file inside. It is a chat log on my birthday in yr 2004. A chat log between me and the only person I loved so far.

As I was reading it, I felt rather moved.. and I was havin butterflies in my stomach. A feeling I din get for very long. I get that when Im overly gan jiong (like during exams) or when there is a sudden surge of emotions esp when I tink of someone or when Im abt to c someone. Ya... In tt conversation we sent each other fotos of the us then.. and he said no matter how I changed, he still remembers me the way I am when I was younger.."that old me that belonged to him" ..that unsharpened and unpolished image of me is the one he loves. And I dunno why at tt point in time he can still tell me "I love u no less now". He then went on to ask me what would I do if he suddenly appears in front of me (we haven seen each other since 2002)..N his answer to e same qn "I would feel a sense of loss.. Because I can never have u again.. But at least I have you for that very moment". Recalling that conversation, I believe this is one of the points when I was still trying very hard to hold back my emotions. And we went all talking.. and guessing what would happen in future.. I told him 5 yrs down the road I prolly would be married and he has to get out of my life.. (Well, there and then I tot Im gona marry my ex bf coz I tot security is more impt than feeling of love).. Ya and everytime we reach the topic of marriage he will be silent.. Till one day he said to me: Maybe the one standing beside u could be me? And ever since this statement we have never talked abt marriage again. And we were pondering if we will still be in contact when we are old.. And I made him promise me that he must never leave me again if by any chance we end up together again.. N one of the sweetest things he said that I can never forget is "I wonder how it feels to cuddle you for a nite.. I guess I probably will stay up watching u sleep in my arms through the nite..But if only... I can have that night." And the whole conversation ends with the sweetest promise that we ever had in our lives. That is to be kept secret.

Reading this whole conversation no longer brings tears to my eyes. The old him is no longer alive in my heart and no longer alive in reality too. In fact, after reading, I just feel inspired to write a romance novel someday that is based on our story. Unfortunately I have lousy penmanship.. After reading jus now, I had an urge to dial his number. But of coz, I didnt.. because hes no longer the old him. All these things are buried beneath his materialistic ambitions now. That's ok.. because all has passed.

Life is short, but we can't just play thruout our whole lives. It is only recently I really feel a strong need to really keep healthy to maintain the vulnerable human body. Maybe because of some young deaths I hear recently. It is just so sad when somebody passes away at such a young age without spending enough time doing what is most meaningful to him in life. More often than not, if we look at our lives, how many hours are spent in front of our workdesk or our desktops or answering those tons of emails and how many hours in a day do we have with someone or some people that are important to us. Even myself, knowing this, cant escape the cruelty of demanding work n lifestyle. Though I know that lifestyle is by choice, I really feel that there is so little time when I want to do so many things.

When I seriously think abt it, what really gives satisfaction is still experiencing and giving love. To family, to my partner, to my frens. There were 2 times in my life that I experienced life-and-death circumstance.. I remembered the things that flash thru my mind and the helpless feeling was scary. Its like darkness looming over u all of a sudden. Then I panicked... because there are a lot of tings I havent said, a lot of things I havent done, a lot of places I haven been.... But once life is back on track... these things are forgotten and time is taken for granted again.

Thinking back.. I suddenly realised how I experienced the max of happiness in life and in love. That short period of time when I experienced that was when I really almost lived each day as though that day will never come again. Back then the motivational factor behind was him. Just him. Because I cherished really every second we had together.. almost to the extent of counting every breath and every step we took together.. I lived my life in that way, grabbing on to every second I can and appreciating every second's happenings. I felt the happiest then. Maybe this is the key? How can I do it again?

2008-02-04T23:45:00.000+08:00

Im addicted to GossipGirl. Almost finishing my season 1. A catfight show that surprisingly got me hooked. I was just thinkin back about the last half a yr that past and the people that were in my life.. People who support me, people I have hurt, people who hurt me..

Very recently, I feel lost. Not only in career but also in my personal life. I cant really tell what Im feeling and what I really want. I think only outsiders will be able to tell. There quite a number of times when I feel so exhausted by politics and everything that I wish I can have a shoulder to lie on. Someone who understands how I feel and can lend that comfortable shoulder providing that emotional comfort without saying a word. I did run into someone who can because we have so much chemistry that we do not have to speak much to understand wat each other wants and wat each other likes. Unfortunately, hes a fren that can only be momentarily be there for me in that way. I wish we can be frens, really plain frens that supports each other thruout. But he is doing all those irritating over-the-line things that ironically makes me feel very insecure. One good thing, though, is that after these months I really confirm that what everione tot abt us is wrong. At least I know that I don't like him.. he still harbours thought of me being his gf one day or at least thats what he told me. But I took it as a joke or one of his playful words since thats him. So hopefully he gets back with his ex and don't come and disturb me. Ya.. finally a bye to that playful boy that results in rumours abt us in the firm.

Because I subconsciously have allowed someone else to supersede a particular position in my heart. Yet to fully confirm but at least it is sth new I discover abt myelf very very recently.

I dunno wats gona happen and dunno wat everithing is gona be like so Im just going to remember everything that I have from him right now. Perhaps one day in future Im going to play a song and miss him.. Perhaps one day in future I may not be in contact with him.. Whatever it is.. I think he is someone I will remember. And cherish, at least for now.

2008-02-03T20:46:00.000+08:00

Nearly another year since I last blogged again. Have been at bachelors' gatherings these few daes? or rather 2 nights in a row. Is that what becomes of a single lady who is supposedli eligible but harbours too high expectations while having that masculine character in her? Yah, everione is calling me bro nowadaes until nearly no one is seeing mi like a ger! haha.. but nonetheless, those were fun nites. I love hanging out with my crazy bachelor frens.

Ydae one of my gd frens at the gathering was sharing with us his marriage proposal that was a huge 12-day 'project' ended with a very romantic and pretty finale on the twelth dae of christmas. Omg, it's so sweeet and romantic. Phenomenal. Lucky ger and of coz lucky him to find 'the one' in his life. Very touched by e whole thing and very happy for them. It's been so long since I hear happy rs stories man. (minus the fact that ydae was oso a dae where my fren is confiding to us abt his rs failure)

Suddenli everyone ard me starts to get married or is sharing marriage plans. Just reminds me that im approaching mid twenties. Damn it. When I though I just graduated.. Oh well. Time passes so fast all the time, and I realised Ive already broken up for 1.5 yrs. It definitely did not feel like 1.5 yrs. I think work has got the better of me.

It's been half a yr or more since I stepped into this new phase of my life. Lotsa things happened.. from job to love life. In terms of job.. it's too eventful to talk abt..I can only say the best thing I take away from my this first job and firm is the frenships n rs I built esp with my MA frens. They are reali the best bunch the best mix of people I ever will see and meet. I reali cherish the bond. I dunno whether we will still be together one yr from now.. esp when I already see all of us drifting apart recently. Im sure I will miss them some dae down the road when we all brk up. At one pt in time at our 'low' in our career when some mega bad ting happened, I just teared at the thought of us splitting up and leaving each other. I think probably we have grown to be quite dependent on each other's support thru all the bad times in our career. I see a parallel between my this grp of frens vs the first batch of cao ji xing guang da dao's candidates. All so innocent, pure and mabe even naive pple holding hands stepping into this complicated dark world of politics. There was no compeition and we only know what is called support. A collective daredevil attitude towards everithing. Really makes me cry and laugh at all the things we do.

Love life.. oh well. Complicated as usual. People come in and out in my life. While I slowly cleanse my heart and mind, preparing myself to embrace the next relationship. I think after this 1.5 yrs.. Im almost cleansed bah. Nearly nearly. Have been rejecting dates recently, putting heart and soul into my work. Unfortunately, work is not rewarding and dates are equally tiring so I end up feeling kinda sucky.

I feel quite lost at this point in time. Esp career wise.. what do I really want and what do I really like. There is always this compromise between practical wants and our unrealistic desires. Till now, I still dun have the ability to strike a good balance. At the same time, time is passing by so soon, I dun wish to waste my life doing things that are not value adding. But.. life is life.. it has to go on.. and we all have the practical needs to fulfil.

Continue another time.. Im going out now.. !

2007-06-02T14:05:00.000+08:00

Been a real long time since I blogged? I did not check my last entry so let me type my new entry and den compare against myself then. Hmm, this is my last weekend before I become a slave of the corporate world. But feeling kinda refreshed and happy today despite suffering from stomach flu jus 2 days ago. Sooooo today I must catch up on the sale in suntec which I missed out on when I was out with my frens 2 days ago. Yah coz of my stupid stomach !!

I came back from my holiday in Australia last week, it was great and really fun. It is such a right choice to be in our group of 4 without that 2 persons. Everything was smooth and we are quite lucky at times for some things. A holiday is so good, makes you feel so refreshed and allows the soul to run free. And that s when I also discover myself! Quite enjoyable with no qian gua surprisingly. Nothing bothers me, worries mi or ties me.

When I came back, that mood continued which is great. And partly coz I can continue not answering to that person who has caused confusion in me at some points in time before I left. Is it coz I am a fickleminded person in love now or do I love freedom more than anything else? I don't know. Maybe I just haven't met someone that can sweep me off my feet yet. But it's good, now that I know what I want to do with that ring. It is never fated to be worn on my finger. That ring, to me, is too mian3 qiang3 an attempt to prove sincerity probably. There and then la. Monetary value do not mean as much to me as sth made or completed with heart. Sincerity increases later on... but hmm.. certain things to me are definitely turn-offs. Am I fussy huh? hmm. haha dun care la not comfy means not comfy, not meant to be it will never be meant to be.

I watched abit of Pride today, abit catch no ball coz already episode 5 and I didnt know they are showing. It was mentioned that men need women and even more so for women to need men. Hmm, is that really true? Depends on phase in life also I think. But I think all humans need love, can be love of any form.

Ok, I think i wana prepare to go out and chiong for sales. Im feeling abit anxious and apprehensive to start work haha. Maybe partly coz I know who my boss is and the presentation which I don't even know if it exist. And gota prepare different forms in case plans change... haiya. sigh. I just pray that colleagues and my team pple especially, will be friendli, nice and helpful.

2007-04-27T14:33:00.000+08:00

It's been a few days, 4 days to be exact, since I have (unofficially) graduated =) Still remember my last 2 days of going to sch on bus 95. I think those two times were my first times in my 4 yrs of nus life that I noticed the flowers on my way to school. I have always find the stretch of bus journey boring with only lines and lines of trees. I guess it is the mood or state of mind that determines whether someone notices the beautiful things ard us admidst the other bad stuff. A fast 4 years. Only have a little tinge of regret for not taking part in more things when I was in uni. Too slack, too lazy, too tied down by work and my past relationship. As I took 95 passing this particular bend/junction, tot of one of e drives thru there and I was holding flowers? or isit a plant? I cant really remember, but I know at that point of time, the only thing on my mind was school work or tests. Maybe I am a very work oriented person, or maybe relationship has already taken a back seat subconsciously. Yah so many times I chose to ignore e rankings of most important things to me. Maybe it is my loss of hope in finding that love, or reviving that old dream.

I was reading a book recently. And the main idea is probably this: 爱情总在患得患失时最美;如果没有开始,也永远不会消逝. Which I really agree with. Maybe at this point of time. But definitely I agree with that first part. Inside this novel, there is this character who is in love with 2 men or rather have 2 boyfriends. According to her and her other female friends, they say there is no perfect man or even a good man, thus there is a need to have more than one men. Two 70% good men can then give some form of security and it is never secure to love one man wholeheartedly. Kinda interesting and I think it is especially true that it is never secure to love just one man. It's like putting all eggs into one basket, one day when he leaves or when he starts to turn to a new girl, it will really destroy a woman's life? hahaha suddenly tot of 'diversification', lol, can love be diversified? haha.

Recently I don't really feel happy coz sometimes I feel pressure from that person I think I am feeling for. Yah, Im kinda contradictory, when I cant love I complain/fear I wun be able to love again. When I do, I am afraid to be hurt so I refuse to allow myself to sink in and to start a relationship. I think I am feeling exactly that insecurity from loving someone wholeheartedly as described in e book. But of coz, that insecurity could be probably induced or temporary, I just need to walk thru this dark stretch of road before I regain my optimism or courage to love and be loved. And also, it is very sad when the person whom u love dun tink that u are tt great or desirable compared to other pple ard (often better) who wish to have me. Its like heyyy u think u are holding on to someone not that treasurable or tt lack of qualities (esp compared to so called other gers)? And yet he is of coz not the best guy ard me. Wat an irony. As a result sometimes I would drift off. coz I just dun feel appreciated as much as I should be. My previous bf was oso a guy like that, how sad right. Guys are probably all like that, they will think the best of the gers they cant get; but once they got them, they dun tink that highly of her and start to notice supposedli better and more attractive gers elsewhere. So where is that deserving guy? Haaaaa.

It's so true that as we grow up, we desire simplicity more than before. It's kinda scary to be 23 years old or at least turning 23 within the year. As working life starts, time is gona pass even faster. Afraid that work takes up so much of our lives that we forget what is it we want in life. Is it just happily passing each day, or saving enough money to buy a hse for ownself, or getting up that corporate ladder etc etc... Eventual goal in life for me probably is still to find someone I am willing to sacrifice career for coz it's hard for me to give up career for someone. But this is not sth I can get if I work for it, coz such things can only be achieved by accidental chances.

I am still wondering whether his and my path crossed by a twist of fate? It was such an accident. For the second person in my life, Im getting butterflies in stomach again. So unexpected, so weird. I just want to hold on to the moments and passing every moment as though it's e last. Because I do not want to start and do not want to face the end of the path. Coz hes too much like mong. I roughly can guess how I will feel if in a relationship with himbah.

2007-04-10T21:47:00.000+08:00

Im surprised, or rather disappointed I still remember todae's date. It is m***'s bdae. Never call him by that name for soo long. But of coz didnt do anything. Why should I? I was reading his exgf's frenster yesterday. Though I used to be jealous of her, and her amount of time with him, I felt sorry for her. She must be like the me years ago, still in the phase of waiting, not being able to let go. She's in a terribly confused state, not knowing what to do next with supposed 'no choices', standing at the 'crossroad'. And she said its not a matter of 'can' go thru sth agn, but whether she 'want'. I totally empathize with her. And I already can picture the story that has happened over the last few months when we suddenly lost contact. Not surprising that she wud probably mention me in their confrontation, quarrel, negotiation whatever since it is such a coincidence that he and me broke up at the same time. And coz of that (knowing he hates to be misunderstood and to be accused of lying), he would give up everyone to prove himself. Yah if Im her, I also wun believe in such a coincidence. Nearly 4 yrs ago, he nearly get back with me. Then during the 4 yrs, we are quite sure we will marry our new partners. Den 3+ yrs later, we broke up at the same time wo telling each other, yet we .................

Is he feeling miserable? Does he love anyone else now? Hmm. Or am I glad that Im out of that miserable state she's in now at the age of I think 26?

Anyway, find this really interesting:
"When it is women's dead end, they get married. When it is men's dead end, their wives divorced them."

2007-03-19T17:57:00.000+08:00

It is such a disappointment to have the same encounter the second time in less than half a year. But yet Im more tolerant this time, why.. Just because someone just keeps reminding me of mn? Why is there that resemblance.... :( That resemblance is not a good thing, I dun wana go through the same torture again but sometimes it just feels so hard resisting that spark and that resemblance. Argh.

I talked to my male buddy about it, and guess what, he said that unfortunately he's also one such 'bad' guy. We are close friends, so of coz I know he's one jerk himself in relationships, but not to the extent of two timing or what. Somehow, makes it much easier for me to talk abt it since he can offer me the exact right perspective from the guy's view. And I can scold his kind of guys and he wun be offended. So as a friend, he advised me to avoid it coz he doesnt wana c me getting hurt yet as a guy, he is that kinda guy that he advised me against. What an irony. Are most guys like that? If they can want to protect their female frens in this way, why cant they just stop being jerks themselves in order to protect their loves?

2007-03-16T12:55:00.000+08:00

2007-03-16T12:43:00.000+08:00

I watched Music n Lyrics. Andddd...... the show is simply fantastic, I really love the music and lyrics esp the song below. Just the right song to fit into my life while moving to this new phase. This song makes me happy and Ive been playing it non stop for the morning. The plot is simple, it is more of a comedy than romance, but maybe the music component of the show makes it very attractive to me. The feeling of composing and everything is just so great I dunno, mabe it's just me. I can feel my heart opening up abit more recently, but whoever that 'you' might be in e context of the song, I hope eventually when I meet him, he feels the same way too. But kinda still find rs nowadaes brittle and susceptible to falls, so Im not entirely optimistic for a long term partner still. Perhaps a short term romance is all I can ever find.

Way back into love (Music and Lyrics)

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration  Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love  
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

2007-03-13T12:04:00.000+08:00

oh no oh no.. why am i worrying abt hw i perform in front of someone, how i act like in front of someone.. n regretting wat i did. argh. wats with mi??? shucks.... is it gone? why like that =( i havent cared abt the way i am in front of anione for so darn long. n nw im regretting being rude. realised after erm few days? awwwww. ive killed my own chance.

Why is it that the person im more interested in just dun take any action while those im not interested in just keep trying, keep impressing. Yah perhaps other gers in my shoes will be impressed by some of the tings the latter grp of guys are doing. But im not, im curious in pple that din even try to impress. I assume im jus curious, yah not interested ok haha. At least not yet if it's gona be. This is weirddd. But my friend said this is a gd sign for me coz it means ive finally started to open up abit more and be more receptive. But unfortunately receptive towards someone passive? gada..... =( mabe its just temporal curiosity.

2007-03-02T19:51:00.000+08:00

Crazy me been so obsessed with a forum recently, makes mi wana try so mani skin n cosmetics products alamak gona go broke lidat if i keep getting tempted. Wana find auctions to buy the tings i want le. Reali bored reading the soci text.. this is my one week brk away from thesis n one week of sociology. Enjoying two hk shows tt im following recently n peekvid. Gona keep up with sex n the city finalli watched the fuck buddy episode its so funni but I tink it happens everywhere. Sometimes Im just wondering what the heck is sex eh, different in every society everi environment. No longer a taboo in conversations as in e past, a norm in e present. Hmmm. Am I not following the trend or am I just that part of the minority ard huh.. N especialli abt having sex with strangers, short term flings/affairs with no strings attached-how come guys can do it so easily?

Arh got a call cont next time

2007-02-12T09:58:00.000+08:00

Woke up feeling troubled. I dunno why. 心中有一种不安.

I just learnt sth. When it comes to love, there is even a higher level. There's anguish in someone when his or her loved one is attached to someone else or married to someone else. He or she will be so affected, so influenced, so devastated. But there is even a higher level (hm mabe level is not the right word). You can love the other person so much that you would rather noe than he is attached to someone else or married to someone else than to noe that aniting ill happen to him. And by jus thinking of the latter creates the same kind of anguish n impact as the first case or the previous 'level'. Argh.

N when you love someone.. you will never be able to not forgive him or her for anything. That is one of the things abt love the show I watched yesterdae portrayed. It's not being silly. It's just love and the depth of love.

Okay, meanwhile I pray that he is fine wherever he is. And I already knew that no matter what he does, Im gona forgive him n find excuses for him just like what i have been doing for all these years. The dumb girl is going to go to the beach to think abt things again on the coming v-day i guess. Just like what she did about 5 v-daes ago,for the same reason for the same person.

2007-02-11T22:27:00.000+08:00

Havent posted for a long time. Today, I finally moved my butt outta hse to get a life. usualli my 'go out of hse' is like for some purpose, sch, errands watever. I watched Happy Birthday today, a show with Louis Koo n Rene Liu as leads. I felt so sad after watching it. I see myself in e role rene acts, or mabe Im seeing some parallels between my life n their love story? Or maybe many love stories in real life are similar in that way, Im just concentrating too much on my own story? Makes me realli wonder how each love story is like behind everyone as I walk on the streets looking at loners, looking at couples, looking at the old people.

Anyway, that is a really sad story. True love exists between two persons, but they just dun work out. The girl cant walk out of her own shadow, and overcome or solve the prob of insecurity with him. The guy comes n go, leaving moments that are eternal in both of their minds. Although they noe each other for so mani yrs, their on and off relationship is sth that cant be described. Not friends, not a couple, not lovers. They tell pple ard 'yes we are gd frens, yes we have broken up long ago' but they just dun appear to be ani way more distant. N when they see each other, its almost natural that they hug, that they hold hands, that they look at each other in that way. But none jus spoke a word about love, abt their 'relationship'. So some of their frens sae 'maybe they werent away from each other at all. their hearts have always been tied up despite distance, despite absence'. N when they asked the girl why is she still waiting, what is she waiting for..she replied "maybe Im waiting for him to give mi a more secure feeling, maybe Im waiting for the day when I feel more confident with him". There was also this line she said before "When he wants to appear, he will" Den later on, somehow the guy just disappeared, she cudnt find him at all by phone by anithing. One day, he called her to sae he's getting married, n he wasnt sure till e last min, so that explains everiting. [At this pt, I was tinkin to myself isnt this the same as my fren's speculation?] OMG. All these...all these. dun they all sound so familiar? Yah closer frens will noe wat im talking abt. But of coz, abt him getting married is all but a lie. Is all but love for her. I shall not reveal the ending.

Den my fren who also watched the show said "Why must humans make love so complicated? Both of them obviousli love each other n yet ....... " den I said ya I also used to think that true love can overcome everiting, but I noe it cant jus like wat the show tells us. And wats more, even if we wana treasure true love, it's so difficult to find it in e first place. True love that is two-way in particular. I still believe that love in its simplicity has too mani complexities involved, maybe that's why it made stories so ke4 gu3 ming2 xin1. Perhaps that's the beauty of love... that makes people crazy, that makes people pursue it, that brings out so many undiscovered parts of a human's emotional mind. Yes.. so my story goes sadly like that. N I wonder at times, what went wrong in the butterfly effect chain? Which thing did I do wrongly? What would have changed? How are the other parallels of me doing in the other possible lives? [Ya u have to noe wat butterfly effect means and the physics theory ting abt turning back of time to noe wat Im talking abt. If u dun den dun try to fathom wat im saying]

The show is modified from Rene Liu's original script. Is it from her own story or a story she created? hmm. I feel so inspired to write a movie script too. I wanted to start by writing a story some weeks ago. In the end I only save the little parts I wrote as draft in my blog. Im not good at novel writing, mabe in chinese still possible. But I guess I can onli do it better by using scenes and scripts. Since JC, I have alwiz hope to write a script that can be produced as a movie. Ya one of those ambitions I have. Will I ever have such a chance?

Anyway back to the story. Omg, im just so good at sidetracking. Ya, n when the part abt he getting married was shown, I told myself I dun wana be like in her shoes, feeling so terrible after acting strong for so mani yrs. So must tink of sth to prevent tt frm happening. N... after that the ending came n it was actuali sth else. Sth happened to him actualli. For a while, I got worried.. N after the show I went to the washroom, I feel like dialing that number all over again. But I din. [Oh I just realised now that she oso did that] I dun believe that will happen. I would feel better if hes married. Argh, will I? Oh well, whatever. One day, one day I will realli tink of him ten times n need not cry the 10 times, or jus 8 times, 5 times, 1 time.... N we will realli be 'good friends' in the sense of what Rene said to Louis in the show, what he said to me n I said to him many yrs ago. Were we really never apart too? No No I dun nid an answer, hf got to walk out of this shadow. Walk out of it totally. *ganbatte ne I will*

2007-01-25T21:30:00.000+08:00

Stoned the whole nite while listening to gigi's new songs. feeling completely 无奈. I shall use the different parts of her songs to string up sth with my own words... sth that expresses my thoughts and recent xin qing. perhaps.

曾经突如其来的那些时间,那段对话,好像天使飞过.之后,我常常睁开眼睛却感觉不到天亮,东西吃一半莫名其妙哭一场,我忍住不想时间变得更漫长. 对你的期待,每段都有记载.虽然那前方模糊,可是想法清清楚楚,比所有人都渴望你能幸福.原来爱情这么伤,泪水总是不听话,幸福躲起来不声不响,只想变的坚强,强到能够去忘.泪水明明流不干,瞎了眼还要再爱一趟,难道我真的还是follow my silly motto "如果爱你是种盲目我要拿永远当赌注才算数". 谢谢你在那些日子让我做你唯一的天使,虽然当时我希望这能成为一辈子.谢谢你让我从故事回到了真实,我们之间也许应该到此为止.

我将站在你不远处,默默地为你祝福,把对你的爱藏起来,放你去寻找追逐.我站在爱的不远处,不在乎守候多辛苦,当你孤单时想起我,那是我最大的幸福.

Nice lyrics ya? Combination of words plus some of my own stringed up. haha. I have a feeling that I can start writing songs again actually. When Im down enough, my inspiration comes back. But too bad i got no time.. Met my fren todae, wanted to ask her abt starting the group for our song composing, but we were too carried away talking abt something else. Regarding that sth else, if u r reading this my dear, I duno if I really can do it. Thanks for your encouragement though.

有一天我会打完思念的一场战.回过头再看一看,原来爱情那么伤,下次还会不会这样?

2007-01-21T19:38:00.000+08:00

Had a exhausting chalet yesterday. Din sleep the whole nite, out talkin with my frens. Also not bad quite enjoyable.. compared to playin monopoly or risk again n again haha.

Suddenli tot abt my another grp of frens.. of which one of them kinda hurt me recentli. Its so scary when u have always treat her like your real fren, and suddenli one dae realised that she backstabbed u. Or do things that u wudnt have expected her to do as your friend. I shouldnt have trusted people so easily on the first look or on the surface. But I always talk to her as though shes my close fren. Coz close frenships always develop with one person opening up him/herself first followed by the other. In making friends Ive always been more trusting less cynical compared with bgrs (boy girl rs). Just hope that it's just an exception. Was bothered for a while only anyway.

As for the two parallel paths that crossed and became parallel again, I decided to let things take its own course too. What s meant to be will be, isnt it? Though I really wish to try further, I do not know how and I have no means of doing so. Will I regret when Im old? Should I try? Hmm, let me think another period of time first. Perhaps Im just so afraid of getting hurt again and fear living my whole life with huge emotional baggage. chuan2 dao4 qiao2 tou2 zi4 ran2 zhi2.. I hope will have better n happier things to update next time =>

2007-01-18T21:31:00.000+08:00

Where is the love and how are love stories like in this city we are living in? Very often, those of us who are still expecting to meet someone will wonder who we will meet, where is the end of the path, what will the ending be like etc etc. 爱情,缘分有时候需要运气，还需要很多力气.. 有时候，尽管再怎么努力，会伤害人还是会被伤害...哪一个结局才算好呢, nobody really knows or has the answer. 爱一个人纯真的感觉很辛福, 很温暖.. 同时也可能遍体鳞伤时傻得继续相信爱情.. 每次放声大哭时仍然愿意为他执着..

而我呢一直相信 "人生总有许多巧合两条平行线也可能会有交汇的一天"这句话.. In the end it really happened. But very sadly, parallel paths that have crossed have become parallel again. How many times have this happened? Just find it really hard to come to terms with it.我还能相信爱情吗? Why does a few daes make such a big difference in my life? Took 5 days to gradually console myself. But still.. 无奈.

Listened to a new song by Gigi tonite. I like this part:
原来爱情这么伤
原来爱情是这样这样峰回路转
泪水明明流不干瞎了眼还要再爱一趟
有一天终于打完思念的一场战
回过头再看一看
原来爱情那么伤
下次还会不会这样

Anyway Gigi's new album is good. Conveyed its theme well. The songs covered many aspects and perspectives of love and relationship. N I really like her vocal. Anyone in love before can find him/herself in at least one of the songs.

2007-01-16T14:09:00.000+08:00

转眼之间头发长了又要剪
转眼之间离开的朋友后来又忽然出现
生命像一个圆圈
但你呢依旧无言
转眼之间流行又转了一圈
转眼之间朋友们换了新身份擒家带眷
生命像一个圆圈
我们呢我们的爱
却越行越远

Feeling exactly this haha. The cycle of my life seems to be repeating, though I did not really think there are cycles involved in life as such. But people who walked into my life some yrs back whom I thought have disappeared for good, are walking into my life once again. Im just quite surprised. I din believe or rather didnt think that life would really be like a cycle as routinely as it was conveyed through the song. I only believe that people walk in and out of our lives at different points of time. Until now, when three persons (so far) that once disappeared from my life returned all over again at the same time, it really feels like a 'cycle'. Or is it plain coincidence?

Meeting these people just made me feel that Ive grown older haha. Thinking back at things done and said then, Im looking at a slightly different girl - - someone more gullible, more trusting, more naive. Perhaps those are gifts of youth =)

Been slacking since sunday night, even went to look for travel books on aust. Really looking forward to the trip. Only pity is that I dun have a loved one to travel with me. Used to imagine a grad trip with frens and a loved one beside me since start of my uni life. But of course it cant be fulfilled. When I was looking through those books, I went to browse some on Europe too. Hopefully, in future I can tour Europe with someone I love, haha new dream. Though I havent really abandoned my secret milan dream. I will try to abandon it gradually. If it was mine to begin with, it would or would have become reality. It's alright =)

2007-01-12T00:59:00.000+08:00

When you are not beside me, I close my eyes and pretend you are walking hand in hand with me.
When you are not beside me, I close my eyes and hear you breathe, pretending you are right here in my arms.
When you are not beside me, I hold my own hands, pretending that my hands are held.
When you are not beside me, your love will convince me that Im in your heart and you will hold on to me.

Thats how I love you. I love you, anyway.

2007-01-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

Realli hate it when I talk to people who just dun answer me in a sensical way. Someone just got on my nerves a little. Nvm.

Aniwae, do men reali get sick of their partners' faces and bodies after a long time being together? Just sth that happened recentli around me that made me kinda disappointed. Reminds me of that korean movie bian4 lian3 you1 huo4 I watched some time back. The guy got sick of that woman or rather she doesnt feel 'fresh' animore since they have been together for so long. Even though he still loves her, he fantasizes abt other women etc etc. Its so upsetting that the woman went under the knife, in order to get his attention n so on n on. The story ended very disastrously and grossly. I think quite a lot of men are like that I realised. And sadly that doesnt mean that the guy dun love the girl anymore. They are probably more visual creatures than emotional creatures. But of coz women being emotional creatures cannot tolerate that. Hmm.

I did have a silly new year resolution admist other more serious ones. And just a few daes into the new year, it seems that Im already failing to achieve it. Makes me wonder whats realli in for me in my near future, in my future. Things that never cross my mind just happened, one after another. Not the first time Im experiencing this statement "life is unpredictable" but its just amazing, realli amazing just how my life goes on. After so many years, six to seven perhaps, I realised Im back at square one doing, feeling, thinking abt the same tings again. Gosh, our paths crossed again. It is sth that was never a possibility. Some frens told mi this is fate, go for it. But one fren told mi this jus means there is no fate. Well, I don't know. It is too scary to step out, at least for me. So I decided whatever that happens or is going to happen, I will try to keep it as part of memory, part of me again. Again coz I said the same thing about 5 years back.

2007-01-06T14:12:00.000+08:00

I prolly gota suck thumb soon again. I must face reality and not hope for the impossible. I heard sth todae: when god closes one door, he does open another door for you. I guess my door should be somewhere god is fair. So shall not despair as much ya.

Another thing i heard todae: As long as you are living, u shouldnt have regret. Regrets belong to the departed. hmmm. Food for thought while I continue with my thesis.

2007-01-06T00:51:00.000+08:00

First thing that made me feel happy this year hehe. A really sweet coincidence at HMV todae (nw past 12am, so shud be ydae (= heh). Fate responded to my question today. But I hope fate will not make a fool of people again, just like it did to me before. Duno why it just made me smile smile smile. What's that about? I don't care, Im just gona keep that momentary happiness with me tonight. I just cant believe it.

2007-01-02T20:44:00.000+08:00

Just caught the last episode of One Litre of Tears (also known as A Diary with Tears). Find it very touching. Its a real life story of this 15 yr old girl who had an incurable disease Spinocerebellar Degeneration Disease. The whole show was about her struggle, her fight against the disease as her motor system degenerates, from losing the ability to estimate distances to eventually not being even able to walk, to speak and to write properly. Like what she wrote in her diary "The body doesnt seem to belong to me". And she wrote her deepest thoughts in a diary until the last day she could hold a pen. Eventually she passed away at 25 years old. This story took place 29 yrs ago from that girl's death (also named Aya as in the show). And her diary and writings that were published till now have given hopes to many who have the same disease and people who are in despair. Very heartwarming show, especially after every episode when they show the photos of that girl in real life through her different phases. I think the worst part of having the disease is really the discriminating eyes of people, it just makes them feel useless and worthless but not many know that they are as normal as any of us in terms of intelligence and mental well being. But well, a very meaningful show that will make people cry and make people happy knowing that they are so fortunate to be alive.

The question of why disease and death strikes just the people they strike keeps appearing at different parts of the show. And eventually, it ended saying that unfortunately there is no answer to that. There are just certain things that are destined and out of our control. If an accident just did happen to someone causing him to die, nothing can change the fact. At many times in the show, the girl also wished there was a time machine so that she could turn back time, but after a while realise that that is of no use coz its a helpless and unfulfilable wish. Thus, she started her diary thing and publishing those articles that actuali helped inspire some people, including even stopping a person from committing suicide coz of that disease. I wonder if I will be as brave and noble as her in her circumstance.

Anyway, it's a new year! Shall look at the new year with some hopes and optimism while I let the past be really part of the past =) Going forward, really hope to embrace a 'new form of life'.

2006-12-29T22:41:00.000+08:00

有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来就住在我心底
陪伴着我的呼吸

总是想再见你
还试着打探你消息
原来你就住在我的身体守
护我的回忆

I wonder if u would play this song again and again like in the past. Throwing away physical tings doesnt throw away things thats become part of you. Sometimes dun u just wonder what life is about? What you realli want in your life and out of your life? And what is the meaning of your life? L.I.F.E. the simple yet complex word.

Recently, when I was just thinking about deaths, it just dawned on me that we are often so obsessed with the present trivialities that we neglect so many other aspects of our lives. And one day am I going to wake up a 61 yr old woman probably despaired, forlorn and full of regrets? And probably still don't know what life is about? I don't want to realise that I have been living in a race against time. Sometimes thinking about death as sth that eventually ends everyone, I just cant help wondering what is that I should or want to do before I get pushed into the fire and be gone forever, not knowing that me and my mind and my memories and my emotions are going to disappear from earth. Den what is life about? U r going to be gone in some decades and after a while no one remembers you. Ya Im kinda morbid tonight gosh.

2006-12-29T18:31:00.000+08:00

Gone my ubs too. Suck thumb. Why cant i jus have a little more luck with everithing?? Jus that bit more to help mi get pass my last round. All my last rounds ARGH. Im reali gona FJ all the way le la. SOOOOOB. So saddening, so disappointing, so disgustingly demoralising. I dun tink i realli lack calibre in wat i applied for, Im not even goin for front line or trading roles. Why has it got to be so tough?

I JUST FREAKING HATE THIS DECEMBER AND THIS SEMESTER. Something good better await me in the next year. I dun even have mood to celeb for new yr animore =( i wana fly to milan where my dream got dashed.

2006-12-23T00:55:00.000+08:00

Another week has passed. Its gona be xmas weekend. Not in the mood for it, not looking forward to it. I think for this week, the most meaningful gathering was the one with my jc frens, esp when some of them are the onli frens in my social circle that I talked abt song-writing and performing to. Ya..it feels good when there are same pple who actualli share the same kind of passion and dreams as u. We have always wanted to start a performing group in Singapore, but never got down to it. Even when there was a chance given by universal, I din urge my fren enough to do the demo together oso. At almost every point of our lives, we are always busy and burdened with sth which cud be jus exams. And perhaps, when we look back, we realise heyy its onli exams. 'Busy' has always been the word that get in our ways. Well, my fren finalli told mi we shud realli start before we regret when we are in our 50s. But I do hope u are seriously in for it this time dear, im so afraid its gona be a just a spur of the moment. Because ever since the end of 2002, after sending out my song to him, I feel that nothing more meaningful has been/would ever be done out of my works than that. Even the whole concert was for him. At least in my heart. I stopped writing ever since, because the source of the flow and writings was gone ever since. Attempted to write one or two in the past few songs, but they din turn out well. And I thought that dream to pursue my interest has really left me. Ya I not only love to write, I love to perform, n I love the feeling of being on stage. (hey ger if u r luking at this, I do hope we realli would try out sth? u revived the passion in me.I always tot that Im the only crazy one, but now I realised the existence of ur dream too so dun give up.even if we cant do aniting together, I believe u have the talent to pursue it k?)

It's only recently I realised that it is really true that when u realli fall in love, it could jus be forever. I remembered telling my fren on one of those bus rides passing through town after sch at the age of 14 that I tink that when I fall in love, it would probably be forever. Though at that point of time, I havent fallen for anione yet. Until recentli, den I realised hey thats not bullshit, and it applies to people in general. But of coz rarely do people realli fall so deeply in love that they can just stay together so strongli forever. I think I felt so recently is because I thought that the person I fell for in my life is gone but yet ... I thought I wouldnt be bothered by the fact that I'd never be able to be with him in future. But somehow, certain things still cut deep I wondered why. Are they the scars of my wounds? And after so many years, even with no contact, we can arouse such strong emotions in each other. It really just means love. It is surprising how I can still miss him occassionally while days and years just passed by, for the last 6 yrs. And I can imagine if I am with someone like that with that kind of intensity from both parties, it can easily last mi a lifetime being with him and just him. I think that is really the context that I will use words like 'love' and 'forever'. And that is how those few old couples still never fail to hold their hands and be still so in love regardless of age. Because when u r realli deep in love, u cud easily be in love forever. I finally believe in that. Just like few yrs back when I said no la hw is it possible after so mani yrs wo contact 2 persons can still feel that sth. But there I am, after more than half a decade, back at square one.

But of course, this is quite scary, because I realli wana start my life afresh. I don't know when that will be. Or perhaps, I am destined to just fall in love just once in my lifetime. And I got to wait till my next life to start all over again. Yeah, we were indeed so lost once that we made a promise for our next lives and at my deathbed many decades down the road. Maybe I am silly to still remember such things when perhaps he has long forgotten and lived on since dunno when. Yah all these were really crap to mi during a period of time, when I was realli occupied and busy. Emotionally occupied as well of course. I guess that is how the word 'regret' came about in people's vocabularies.

But well, that aside, I guess I realli got to open myself up to look around and be more receptive to people. Takes a lot of courage and time. I wonder how long it will take. Kay la, all these things are of secondary importance to me at the moment. Meanwhile, I shall not be discouraged by my job applications and thesis!!!! The traditional song by Diana Ross we used to sing in RGS is still a song that accompanied my growth at every point of my life. Ever so meaningful to me, especially the 2 verses (shall not write out the full song its too long):

"Don't lose your way, with each passing day.
You've come so far, don't throw it away.
Live believing Dreams are for weaving.
Wonders are waiting to start.
Live your story. Faith, hope and glory.
Hold to the truth in your heart.
.
. (chorus)
.
Souls in the wind, must learn how to bend.
Seek out a star, hold on to the end.
Valley, mountain, there is a fountain
washes our tears all away.
Words are swaying, someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay.
.
.
.(bridge and chorus)

2006-12-18T00:15:00.000+08:00

This is my worst ever December and worst ever holiday. Second day after last paper, I started working on my thesis, that darn regression. That produced results telling mi that the data I have collected past 4 months is equivalent to nonsense! sobz. I only met my prof once, and that dae was like a mad rush. I was running to and from the comp lab to his office so mani times that I lost count. And still, I got insignificant t-stats n lousy correlations. Basically, results that just caused mi to redo collecting new data, varying calculation methods etc over and over again. Until now i have already accumulated a stack of regression results already. The only ting I look forward to is getting interpretable and sensible results for my thesis now, else I reali cant produce any thesis man.

Another thing I have been lookin forward to is a job offer. And these few daes, Im quite upset because I lost the M A program for DBS. In the dept which Im most interested - risk management. SIGHS. The saddest thing is not that I lost, but the stupid way I lost. After going through all the rounds. hr interviews, further test, assessment centre, technical interview, final panel. One after another. Hopes that were raisen after getting through round after round all the way, not to any middle or second last rounds but to the final last round. I thought I have hope after getting through the assessment centre and technical interview which realli grilled mi badli, yet I just din get through the frenli chat with the final panel. Why? Coz I was sick and croakin there. I remembered one question which I answered until no voice came out. Yah its that bad. Coz I was having a realli bad nose block n throat, din think it would affect that much. Coz I did the Macquarie interview in e morning, n I only lost my voice in the last few minutes. (Oh, now to think of it, is that why I got out frm macq after that round oso? argh, sux) And basically I knew that I undersell myself, and could have said more, shown more content. But oh well, what to do when I din choose to call in sick, when I thought it wouldnt be that bad?

Yah, feeling realli upset. Out of dbs risk ma prog, out of macquarie risk after sec las round, out of credit suisse after las round (ya another one that i went to las round n yet .... ). Its jus so so so damn tiring applying, preparing, going to interviews and in the process all tat heightened excitement, hopes amidst the little humps and disappointments during this whole period. When pple who went for interviews with mi jus keep asking mi n tellin mi how shocked they are abt mi not selected after las rnd. Bitter consolation to me only. Perhaps luck jus play a part n I lack that as well. Im not pursuing my passion in risk animore, reali reali veri demoralised. Firstly those technical n modeling parts not easy to get pass, n pple are so demanding, secondli mani banks closed their apps, if not they are not offering ani positions for risk already. Bye bye to my passion, Im on my way to the not so exciting part of the bank (hopefully can get in sth la). After mabe 2 yrs, den see if I can move back to risk. sighs. first job is quite impt i tink, but well what to do. Quite lost la.

So wat else to look forwrd to in this Dec? Im not even looking forward to xmas. For the first time. Din plan aniting, no mood for it. Since sec sch, xmas has never been not exciting n fun, no matter wat frens Im with. Xmas bears a veri special meaning to me. Its a dae i must be out of house, wrecking havoc somewhere haha. Where will I be next xmas/pre xmas in 07? Will I be in a happier state that what im in now?

Im not even enjoying those meetups n outings with frens fully. My mind is clouded with all those job stuff, regression... Up for mi next week are my overdue meetups and gatherings almost every day and my daily bloomberg lessons (which I found out only yesterday that there are 8 tests to be scored before certified). Den it would be xmas eve =( So fast. I dun even have time to myself. No lazy afternoons in kino or borders. No happening nites at clubs. No catching up with all my vcds n shows. No time for music. No cycling sessions by the beach. etc etc etc. It realli feels worst than exams!

2006-12-02T18:17:00.000+08:00

"The future remains unknown."
"How do you know that the person beside u exchanging rings cannot be me?"
"... The latter, lost love in eternal frost..."
"want and cant, a line in between, it cuts deep."
"Regrets add chapters to our lives. No doubt it will be the most memorable ones"
"Im never destined to be with an angel."
"The 13th word to be 'we' instead of 'I'"

.
.
.
.
.

"I love you"

2006-12-01T17:17:00.000+08:00

Jus watched first episode of shen qing mi ma. Zai zai n andy hui jus melt mi like bnobody's business. Looking forward to scv playing it next week. Andy hui jus cant stop reminding mi of a person, someone I kept recalling these few daes =( he jus looks too much like him, the jawline, the cheekbones, that smile.. Esp the side view. omggggg.... better get down to my mugging.

2006-11-27T17:44:00.000+08:00

Slacked the whole dae, lotsa chatting n surfing with minimal studying. The anticipation in my heart coupled with the bits of stress n bits of unhappiness results in a feeling which I do not know if I should call that missing somebody or is that just a feeling of longing for something. Hmm, those sepia images of past yrs have edged into my mind more frequentli esp this yr. Those many daes of youth in our uniforms that we so often take for granted are just drifting further n further away from the present. Sounds kinda scary huh?

Some days ago, when I suddenli realised I lost memory of a particular song that rgs used to sing, I went to dig out this ten-yr old Rafflesian song book (dated 1996) that has already collected a thin veil of dust on it. Looking at all those writings, all those songs, with all the typical rgs drawings makes me feel old. Hey it was nearli 10 yrs ago I received this booklet after PSLE n den holding it in my hand sitting in that hall after a month. Getting used to e all-unfamiliar surroundings, atmosphere and the 'cheering low n loud' (that really beats my mind for a while) hahaha. Glad that my memory din fail mi completeli, I still know how to sing most of the songs in there that still feels as meaningful as I first learnt it *big smile* shall take a pic of that booklet n post it here another dae. Just miss all those times, from those superficial gossip sessions n bitchin abt pple to the deep conversations abt guys n people n life. What else? The many food n places we explored, running after each other like mad people just to drench each other with chilli or water, taking stupid videos n fotos, silly n flopped attempts to dress up that created all those laughter, sleepin on e uncomfy breakwaters overnite tt leads to muscle aches, playin truant, watchin n imitating those star in mvs lol, moments in the squash courts to moments at the piano, the hugs n tears shed together.........many many others. these images jus formed so mani chapters of my life that I cant remember when my first chapter begins.

What am I expecting going forward? No idea at all because I am sure the future holds only the unexpected. When I tot I could foresee my next 5 yrs with certainty just a while ago, who knows that everything in my life suddenly break away from that? Even I din expect myself to be back at square one where I was couple of yrs back. In that state of taking steps one at a time, with silent anticipation. A decade or just 5 yrs ago I wouldnt foresee myself in the state I am now in too. That is how scary n mabe exciting life can be eh. At least for the first quarter or third of my life?

2006-11-25T19:52:00.000+08:00

Im so freaking bored just after reading two papers for my risk n insurance module. Had my first paper today, my first exam paper in my whole uni life without presence of him. Surprisingly, I dun feel that I missed out sth. Mabe coz I was never dependent on him, which he thought I am, I presumed. Nay, like what suf said, Im alwiz very independent. Not that Im strong, just that I havent met anione that I cant live without. Got this parcel from him, my new Coach wristlet. Though I would have preferred brighter colors and sth lighter n less formal. Perhaps, I have changed that much that he doesnt even know what my preferences are anymore. Few yrs back when I was a more boring person, I would have loved this mohagony color.

But not really me now. Love the design though. Sigh but made me feel bad, I reali dun wish to owe him anymore time, efforts, feelings. Though I look forward to dec, Im dreading it.. I really dun wish to know what will happen when we c each other. Yes he wants to see me n wana work things out. Im quite at a loss, especially when Im so used to being alone. Talkin to a few frens who have been maintaining long distance relationships makes me think differently of the way I reacted when he was away. Perhaps it was just normal? One fren actuali told mi that it cud b so weird that the person feel so far away when he comes back that u cant even hold his hand. What was mine then? It was so long ago, I dun feel like recalling.

Anyway, my life only lacks one thing now. MUSIC!!!! Im like dying without music. This is ME ipod-less below!!

Music = My life........... AWWWWW. I shall go fix my ipod after exams. Cant put any new songs SOB. And I got to on my comp to listen to songs I wana listen to. Recently Im so mesmerized by Love in Harvard. But a bit disappointed when I heard that the female lead in the show oso went under the knife before.. No wonder she is so pretty n gorgeous. N guess what, the not-so-pretty female lead in GONG also went thru plastic surgery before. As well as many korean female actresses. One exception is Song Hye Geok (not sure how to spell but song hui qiao in chinese), starred in Full House. One big natural beauty. Ah well..

Haha and one interesting update in my life. I nearly went for this blind date thing HAHAHA. Can u believe it? My fren chanced upon this romancing thing, 4 blind dates arranged over 4 different days in coming dec, for the purpose of 'makin new frens' n winnin some prizes etc etc. I didnt know that I will have to hit this so soon wahaha. K la, maybe not so soon, not now la. It's not as though my condition is "ROTTING ON THE SHELF". NAYYYY... not YET. Though I must remember to check the expiry stamp on myself once in a while esp when time is passing so fast HAAAA. At least now Im still "FRESH ON DISPLAY" kekekke. im talking rubbish..fulstop for this lol.

Kies I gota keep going for just a few daes more, after wed then I can slack a bit before my last paper. Just so zero motivation, no mugging mood. Still keeping fingers crossed for some other things in my life.

2006-11-21T23:02:00.001+08:00

Wanted to post the MV with the song Gan Deh Ji Geum but found this MV nicer.. Realised the song Ive been looking for (Gan Deh Ji Geum) is actually all along in my playlist.. Get this warm n fuzzy feeling whenever I see some scenes in full house.. Yeah a good break when Im bored with my work, wakes mi up too. Going to keep my fingers crossed for everithing right now.. All the way till Dec.

2006-11-16T23:08:00.000+08:00

food. the onli thing that soothes mi everitime i get mad or upset. ya. n i jus took food. sighs. jus reali dislike some stuff. freaks.

yea. hopefulli food can cure that headache i got jus now. sux big time. hais exams exams coming. n i haven started at all. AT ALL! am i goin to try my luck or wat? i must reali chiong like shit. n not entertain ani irritating tings. gona pray for lady luck to be by my side.

2006-11-06T15:49:00.000+08:00

dang shin eun... na neun ba bo ib ni da (Im a Fool) - Stay

I was stupid. I was an idiot.
It's too late for me to regret it.
I know that I cant turn back the hands of time.
I won't be able to see you anymore.
I know that
Its my fault. I am really sorry...
Couldn't tell you then but I am really sorry..
So now I come to beg you for forgiveness

You and I are stupid
Because of my pride
Im destroying myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.
You and I am stupid.
Because you still love me.
You are crying everyday.
We are both idiots.

Don't be like that, think about it.
Think about what it took us to get here
Think about it again, you're going to regret it.
I was so wrong, Im really sorry
I didnt get a chance to say then, instead I was just being rotten.
So Im here now pleading for forgiveness with worry.

You and I are stupid
Because of my pride
Im destroying myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you.
You and I, we both are like fools.
I can't live a moment without you.
I still cry even no matter how I drink or if I cut my hair.

You and I are stupid
Because of my pride
Im ruining myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you.
You and I, we both are like fools.
Don' ruin yourself anymore...

2006-11-06T15:25:00.000+08:00

Nice Princess Hours (Goong) Songs n Translations Coming Up in my BLOG =))

J & Howl - Perhaps Love (translated)

I don’t know when it all started
When my head became dizzy with thoughts of you
These thoughts would often pop up in my mind
I feel anxious as my heart expands towards you
It’s nothing.. it’s just a little thing
Your words are awkward to me
Is it love? If you feel the same way, is it a beginning?
My heart keeps saying it loves you
It screams out for the whole world to hear
Why has it taken so long for me to hear it~?
We’ve finally met.. finally found love
If I wanted to show you how I feel
The only way would be for you to become me
I’m already inside of you
Just like you’re inside of me
To each other [to each other]
We may already be too accustomed
Is it love? If you feel the same way, is it a beginning?
My heart keeps saying it loves you
It screams out for the whole world to hear
Why has it taken so long for me to hear it~?
We’ve finally met.. finally found love
When I think about it [when I think about it]
I realize how many moments there were when my heart trembled
I’ll try as harder as I was late in realizing my feelings
I’ll be with you, I’ll only give you fond memories
Please don’t ever leave me again
Even the shortest moments without you make me uneasy
Please stay by me~I already love you so much (you’re the only one)

2006-11-06T15:18:00.000+08:00

was at bcp proj when we talked abt this old song.. las time when i listened i din realise the lyrics are so nice till my fren talked abt it tt dae.. coz i wasnt super attracted to e tune back then.. i actuali haf the song in my list but alwiz din play it haha.

Drops of Jupiter - Train

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there
Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

2006-11-01T18:02:00.000+08:00

These few days have been quite a disappointment. In certain people that I know, after seeing and hearing what they do and say. Oh well, but they probably do not know that I feel that. In a way, I felt a bit deceived yet on the other hand I feel that things have probably always just what they have been. Perhaps I just din realise. Perhaps I am just too naive. Perhaps I still think reality exists. My false perception of reality. During moments of impulse, I feel like confronting and ask them certain things, other times I feel like scolding them. But everytime such impulse arises in me, I withdraw from everything. Turn and walk away. No point hearing some things straight from the horse's mouth to get myself hurt. Naively, I brushed things off since it might not be the truth. But come on, why should I expose myself to more chances to get hurt? "time and actions will prove it all." and yes it did. Unfortunately, it has proven the opposite.

I really just find it a bit hard to accept the fact that actions are not in sync with words and implied meanings. Maybe coz Im a victim of the fact and not a third party. Thinking about it makes me feel distracted and I dislike it. I dunno who to turn to to complain. Smile it off laugh it off is what I did in the end. And this really SUX. Why must I hear things on a weekly frequency that makes me upset? I shall not bother anymore, no I try not to bother anymore.

2006-10-30T16:04:00.000+08:00

Yay bdae toast to ME, JL n Jason! da da! gathering of all 9 of us again heh. Prettty fun sunday with dance entertainment (Read: sometimes ear torture) by our 'grasshoppers' keke. N that yucky foto in JL's hp. But really tiring long day.. n ended the day with a shuai gay (wat a pity) in GREEN at our table and me eating a GREEN ah baling riceball lol. N im becoming more xia suay like XQ le la.. nearli got my top off TWICE ydae GOSH. shall never let that happen again =_=""

2006-10-28T20:52:00.001+08:00

Descartes.. Stroud.. The matrix.. Dream skepticism, radical skepticism just flooded my mind since yesterday when I started writing my paper for my philosophy. Quite interesting though, I was looking at this matrix website http://whatisthematrix.warnerbros.com/rl_cmp/phi.html while writing. Thinking too much really drives you mad, mabe that explains why philosophers lead such unhappy and unsatisfied lives.

Well, I had a great party las night at Phuture celebrating my bdae even though the great lot disappeared at some point in time. Thanks to all of u guys for being there. Only pity was that when the music was SO great, more than half the lot disappeared, leaving mi with no dance partner =( Coz she puked quite earli in e nite n shes gone. Hey ger u made me so lonely haha. Must really go another time where the whole grp stays till the end together. Ahh. Glad that Im still keeping my record of no touching of cigarettes and no puking thusfar haha. Maybe I din drink enough. Only got high n nearly drunk though my fren said I was drunk. Jus lost a few senses la. Shall drink until I puke one day perhaps lol.

Still feeling abit giddy from last night haha. Oh well, weird moods nowadays sometimes. But really glad that I still have friends. And I really do mean friends. I guess they are the most important part of life and I really appreciate this fact even more after becoming single. Life is not just about that guy you love or about some relationship you are having with some guy. When I was attached, I din have much time with friends, only about 20% or less of my personal time was spent with friends. Now having 100% of personal time to friends is a different kind of bliss which I hardly experienced in e past.

Have this sudden urge of dancing sth slow barefooted on a big grass patch under the stars. Minus the mosquitoes haha. I dont think I have done that before, except probably in the dreams which made me feel as though I have experienced it before. Shucks the philosophy stuff better dun come into my mind now. I remembered standing on a stage in front of the big green patch before with no one in front of me except a friend. That feels really good I dunno why. Drama instincts? Oh woah and that was 6 years back I realised. Ahh that was prob why I went into the performing arts area.

Kinda afraid of graduating man even though thats what ive been looking forward to since dunno when. Some kinda uncertainty just overwhelms me at times. This is just marking the end of the 1st quarter of my life perhaps. Eventually I will see light I believe =)

2006-10-12T22:21:00.000+08:00

Came back from HSBC I-banking and I know im not cut out for it. Even if i have the passion, I don't have that energy, that stamina to just live that kinda life, if you call it life. Life basically = work. And he is right, in i banking, the environment and team is so important because they will become your life. Oh well, in such an environment, plus its male dominated.. hmm. Like what he said its as bad as "i better call my fren at 2am to remind them that i exist else i will lose my frens within weeks or months" , "if u r not attached, get attached now because there is no chance n no time for you to do so after u r into in", "n when u get attached, get an air stewardess, coz she will be flying all the time and she wun complain that you are not seeing her (coz u will be working nearli throughout the week, with no sleep)". Hillarious, everyone laughed.

Ok so what? Seeing all the familiar faces at those invites, hearing those competitive stuff over and over again just disheartened me. Demoralised. Im like speck in the middle of nowhere. Cant head up, yet dun feel like looking down too much. But now im gona just take anything that comes my way if anything does come. Kinda sux when u jus apply apply apply and hear nothing. When others are already going for interviews. Oh well. Maybe I should just aim to be a tai tai. But its just so not me la. Tai tai life? Nayz. I like life with challenges and excitement, but not too extreme of coz. I need to carve sth out for myself. Maybe hmm, till I have a family yeah. Ahhh. SIGH!!

2006-10-08T21:43:00.000+08:00

Happened to be browsing my fren's blog and certain things she wrote jus remind mi of the good old days we had in JC and in sec sch. Those times of innocence, fun, freedom with the bits and pieces of bitter whining, painful relationships n those hugs that give mi so much consolation and assurance. Cant believe that we are all in our final yr of undergrad studies when it seems like yesterday that we are taking Os or As..

Saw her entry on first love which I believe really describes what many experience because what she had exprienced herself actually describes exactly how I have felt before too. She ended with"what about you?" and well, this is how i feel. Shall take parts of what she said (coz I feel the same way) and add some lines to it:

Some say that one can never forget his or her first love,
How true is this? Why is this so?
Just because it is the first time we are experiencing it?
Or is it because it is the most intense that we have ever felt?
Does it mean we will not feel that way ever again,
Or do we refuse to believe that we can actually feel that way again?

Feeling of first love,
Is sth that cant be put into jus words.
The first time you totally go insane over someone,
Heartbeat racing so fast that you can feel that its gona explode,
A terrible longing to see someone,
Closing your eyes imagining you can hear him/her breathe beside you,
And even if its a second glimpse,
you'll feel that sacrificing everything is worth it.
Seeing that person makes you feel over the rainbow,
Makes your head spins,
Makes you feel lost for words,
Makes you feel that you have melted.
The crazy first times that you will actually stare at your hp for hours
Waiting for just that message,
And when it beeps, you jumps and wishes for that special name to appear.
A phone call can make you smile a way you never did
And you just cant stop smiling
You run around the whole island just to buy his/her fav item
Perhaps just to keep in your drawer for years to come.
You fall in love with the things he/she likes
And the way you behave, you talk, even your likings
Are influenced by him.
For the first time you really wish time can freeze
When you used to think thats just sth said in e stories or movies.

You have never felt so complete,
N u didnt know the meaning of complete before he/she came into your life
And you never knew you could feel this way
Before you met him/her.

Even years later,
You can still jump at that special name,
At that number of his
Feel emotional when you hear a particular song
Feel nostalgic when you flip the photos or read your diaries or look at the gifts
You would still like to hear news of him/her
Who he/she is hanging around
Feeling a little jealous or bitter of the person beside him/her
You may dream of that person still
Waking up feeling empty and missing him/her
You feel happy knowing that he/she is happy.

For those whose other halves are the first loves
They are lucky and perhaps they are meant to be
Though you may hear them complain
Is that really called love, since Ive only jus that one relationship tt whole life
Could I be missing out sth even more intense?

While those who lost their first loves
Wish that these 'first loves' have appeared in their lives much later
So that they would be the last and the one
Spending the rest of their lives with you.
Despite the pain, agony, misery the loss of first love may cause
It will just be embedded in your heart, in your body forever

And I wonder
Does that mean no one else could make you fall in love that way again
Or could there be another way of being in love
With a different kind of intensity and special feeling
That makes you want to sink into something, someone, somehow..

Well.. to those who are in love, cherish the feeling of being in love, falling in love, and being loved by someone you love. It is something difficult to come by, so remember every second of it, and you will not regret. I did not regret =)

2006-10-06T01:23:00.000+08:00

Saw this picture in my fren's laptop's wallpaper todae, so nice.. I really think e love just feels so sweet and genuine. Anywae was watchin "crying out love from the centre of the earth" today. Its the movie version, not yet finished.. Too bad its all in Jap without subtitles and I cud only rely on my fren's translation haha. Well, I think I would wana get the version with subtitles some day in dec n watch it again *hopeful look*

What does destiny have in line for me?

2006-10-04T19:17:00.000+08:00

"I'd cut everything out and see how long I could go before I had to eat. At one point, I managed five days. I read about a girl who ate tissues to fill herself up, so once I tried to force Kleenex down my throat. But not only was I still hungry, I nearly choked on a ball of tissue."
- Billi Piper, on what she's done to stay thin

How sad can life be? Just because of the word beauty. Its kinda funny, as I was browsing magazines and stuff, the number of ads, products, articles on surgery and all sorts of artificial ways to make urself sexier and beautiful is just uncountable. And I cant remember any single one that made an impact on me. It seems like beauty n surgery is a never-outta fashion-trend from lipo, botox, funni injections that pull ur skin or shape ur body to all those silicone implants and all those weird things stuffed into ur body. So that the you + plastic (or whatever material) = sexy and beautiful. Perhaps its just media and those male magazines that create this illusion that those images are what thats desired by both women and men, and women just chiong all out to achieve those effects. So that they can feel confident and attractive to men. Some women said they do that so that their husbands won't get seduced or fall into temptations outside. Quite sad when I saw that actually and especially when I know that cases of men doing such tings are not uncommon. Somehow men can just be attracted to that artificial beauty, even in magazines.

Yeah of course there is nothing wrong with being a person gone under knives before. But is it really worth it? Maybe it is, if u r in hollywood or sth (maybe thats why they are in hollywood), but as normal people? As someone normal, perhaps not. If you need to go under knives to get confidence and attraction and even love from ur man, its realli a sad case. And for the latter, u can dump that man.

Well, I remembered someone who loves to say this: Beauty is a flower by which nature devours. Why go against nature then? We are all humans.

2006-10-02T16:07:00.000+08:00

不是不曾望着你的肩膀
想被它环绕着
感觉不知怎样
回忆总是会打我一个巴掌
指着旧的伤疤不准我遗忘

胆怯的人爱往坏的地方想
你对我越好
我越退缩反抗
寂寞的可怕
不在独来独往
是会习惯对爱再没有期望

你说爱我让我哭了
你的的确确是懂我的
我此时此刻也很快乐
但是明天后天未来会如何

你说爱我让我哭了
我完完全全是颤抖的
你不移不动把我抱着
也许为你冒一点危险
会值得

2006-09-30T01:50:00.000+08:00

Finally satisfied my craving for a game of squash. A short night game, but wasnt shiok at all. I din really smack to my fullest, feel a bit lethargic surprisingly. Maybe it's my shirt, too tight for me to maneveure. Hah, but I just don't feel great in general. Oh and I didn't know the roads there change so much, it's really been AGES since I went to Kallang squash centre. Literally AGES. Haha.

People around me are just so weird nowadays, don't know what they are thinking about, or rather I don't know whose words to really trust. This kinda feeling sucks. I hope Im not too paranoid or too cynical, but still, it's probably better than way rather to realise it when you get hurt later only right..

Kays I havent touched my finance mod and thesis data for the whole mid sem break. How bad can it get? I just have no time to catch up with anything. And a few days of half ill plus fully ill just made everything worst. K la mabe i should not complain since it was a flu rather than those huge sickness that will just make me bedridden for longer time hah.