I was sorting out fotos just now.. came across some really old msn archives.. oh my goodness.. way back into time. Not that long just 2-3 yrs ago... Saw some really touching conversations and some conversations that makes me feel abit teary between me and hmmm wat name should i give.. ok bb as hes known recently. And abt how ms fuu was the culprit of certain situations back then (which i totally or nearly forgotten all by now). Perhaps it is her again.. this time round. Although there is nothing between me and b nw he was once a special person to me. And I do get abit sad that we no longer talk so closely and keep each other in each other's lives like back then. I remember once during uni i smsed a qn saying I wonder how I will be like 10 yrs from now. And his reply was 10 yrs from that point in time, he will be by my side with our memories deeply clutched in our heads. That sms remains in my mind for a looong time. And I knew that very likely it will not come true. I feel bad.. I am the one that eventually stops our relationship from taking a step further I am the one who wants to stop contact. Only after like1-2 yrs, I feel ok I got over the hurt due to him and I realised I told all these only to ms fuu again. mabe thats why they got closer and exclude me. and B did not have any response to the letter/mail that I sent him last yr. Maybe I am the naive one -- thinking he is really the emotional/passionate pisces that still keeps feelings in him. Frankly, I was disappointed then. But from his no reaction, I concluded to myself that that's it between him and me. He has long got over the so called someone he ever did so many things and confessions to before. The feelings may run deep in the past for him but they also disappeared over the period of time I disappeared. When I re read the letter, I felt abit touched. Does he not? Maybe guys are like that..once over it's over. They dont look back, they dont remember, they dont feel. esp if they have moved on with someone new. But many times I do miss his company.

Now that we have grown up... I felt that it was a pity and I never did get a chance to tell him before that I really liked him before. It is probably the only regret and I will never be able to tell him again. Because the same words will not hold as much meaning for the same two persons anymore after few yrs. And the same words will not garner as much reaction, as much love, as much feelings as before.

I duno why it is always after yrs then I realise how much I liked or loved someone before. It happened to me for a few persons including this person. To my first love, I told him I love him when he has fallen asleep. To my ex, I told him once only in sms when I had a nightmare. While listening to some old songs while typing this, it just feels more nostalgic for me. Recently when I heard waiting for you on my player.. i tot of b and the old times. The kinda joyful and more carefree me even though I was going through that bad patch.

I saw some fotos i took during that time also. Wedding bands advertisements one of them. I guess I have always yearn for a xin fu life. Where xin fu does not come from my career advancement or money, but from reasonable good life with someone I love sharing those things with me. Someone that loves me too. At that pt in time, I felt I could with b but his behaviour plus that childishness keeps hurting me until I gave up. I wonder if he is back to his this self now again -- was he ever really reformed before (quoting his word reformed)? Maybe he was when I wanted to give up on him.

I duno why recently I just kept dwelling in the past. Maybe now Im in too upset a phase in life that I wish to go back to the past. Not the old past.. but just a couple of yrs ago. I duno why Im in such a down state now.. when by right I should feel the honeymoon love and feel the reborn me. I felt reborn and fresh and happy on this day last year in April. It was a coincidence that it was a day that mark the fresh me (out of the old sadness and bad patch since 2006) because the day happened to be one of my anniversary days with someone in the past. And having moved on into a new phase last April, I should be a happy huifang isnt it? But I just am not, not really anyone's fault, it's more of myself.

I probably demands too much and expects too much. Wanting too much for people to match me. And maybe I am too influenced by certain few pple in my life that money has became such an important factor in my life.. that I feel unhappy when I feel that at the mid pt of twenties, I still do not have someone that I can feel emotionally and financially secure with such that we can plan life ahead. I feel unhappy to be stuck there.. or having to take steps backward.. coz in my whole life I have been challenging time to be ahead. And when I finally am, I have to stop there and/or even turned back.

I feel bad.. because of all these bad feelings.. I might have hurt someone's dignity. I dont want to but I duno who else to say all those things to. I really really want and need someone mature and wen zhong enough that is at the same phase as me. Maybe this is karma. With my ex, I was the one in the later phase while he is in the panicky state like what I am in now. And I broke up with him because I was still young and couldnt see eye to eye with him plus I was still a wild ger that just got to see the world then on top of some fundamental differences. Sometimes, I was asked this qn: Do u not regret your decision then? My answer will be yes, I would have still broken up despite what I realise and understand today. Coz the fundamental differences are there and unresolvable and I just cant force myself to become the 25 yr-old me faster until I am really 25 yrs old. And if I chose to stay on and wait till 25 yrs old, I may still be unhappy with him because I would not have gone through the same things I have gone through these few yrs without him.

Life is really abt timings. Marriage is really about marrying the person you meet at the right time and right feelings coming together at the same time. Two persons may be in love, but they did not meet at the right time. Love may overcome some obstacles but not all unfortunately. We are in a modern world now with new connotations of living together and about love. It just isnt the same anymore.

I feel really kind of lost recently. I think it is the way I have viewed things. Until now, I still have difficulty looking at the same thing using another angle. It's really easier said than done. Sometimes, I want to run away. I yearn for freedom. Freedom from these current worries, freedom from strings attached, freedom from people's perceptions. I cannot reach my ideal yet I have been trying so hard and forcing someone so hard to reach my ideal with me. Maybe I should grant him freedom too. He probably does not have the same ideal as me and probably has his own definition of happiness and freedom. Why should his life and what he does be dictated by me even though he may say he want to do all these for me and because he loves me? I think he probably is lost himself in his world and in my world. Perhaps the alternative solution is for me to change my ideal and my expectations. Will I be able to do that? How can I do that? Will I really be happier if I do that? Not sure, I am lost. Really.

What I really feel like doing is go back to fort canning and enjoy my own bottle of wine while looking down that huge patch of grass, not bothered by what tomorrow may hold for me.