I did things I hardly ever done in my life -- asking people out w/o caring what they think. Getting rejected for dinners, rejecting pple for dinners. Haha for once I dont care. I realise it is not really abt courage after all..it was abt pride.. n now it is abt going for what I want? I duno. Well since life is short, youth is short.. go get what I want, be in whoever's company I want to be in, enjoy whatever food I like, enjoy whatever alcohol I like, dress in the way I like, dance crazily as I like. I like the me that danced prettily and confidently on that podium in a short tube and translucent scarf and with my grey eyes. That was in 07. Pretty, young and wild. I like the me that broke the dance floor under the eyes of the whole club. Who cares? who knows me anyway? I felt so good then.. Confidence is beautiful.

There s this guy that seems to be interested in me. He is old. He is rich. He is a foreigner. Crazy isnt it? That I can attract such guys. He likes my strong personality he says. He likes the excitement from the challenges I give. Or rather from me being the big challenge myself. Maybe that's what guys like abt me. And that's why they do a lot of things. And that's why they try so hard to prove this n that. Then that can be challenging for me too -- coz I cant tell who is the one genuinely in love with me.

I feel like giving up this whole thing abt love. Abt falling in love and being loved. But I cant deny that liking someone makes me happy. Makes my heart jump. Makes me wait. And perhaps eventually makes me cry. Recently once in a while I envision some nice images.. of me falling in love with someone.. and he doing everything he could becoz he loves me. But I am dreaming.. because I am not sure if I am in love.. and I duno who I will really fall for.. and whether I am realli starting to fall in love suddenly recently. My diaries (written manually at home) contains so many contradictory entries.

Then I have so many weird and exciting dreams recently.. Dreamt that I went to somewhere real cold with nice snow.. Dreamt that I flew a little jet like plane in light snow.. Dreamt that I have a screwed up wedding in a orangy pinky wedding gown (yucks!) and the wedding was messily planned. Or rather there was no plan. And I dunno who's the groom haha. Are these signs of my desired freedom?

I really wish for someone to take me away from here. Blindfold me.. Fly me away.. Lead me to somewhere I duno.. and walk/explore that whole place hand in hand.. N I keep thinking of the song Boston coz it's a lil like what Im feeling now. *smile* actually it's quite happy imagining these with an unknown face that I will be in love with. I think holding hands is a very nice feeling compared to someone holding my shoulders or my waist. But holding hands is like an almost sacred thing to me. It is magical. I can hug anyone but I just cant hold hands with anyone. And esp for me to hold his hands tight... he must be more than just a friend, more than just a lover or partner. I haven really held any hands tight and with that magical feeling for a long time. In the past when I loved this guy so much, I sometimes will close my eyes and imagine my hands in his. Very silly isnt it.