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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Only after 2 yrs I cried for the first time and second time after the breakup. Does it take so long to forget the bad times.. n take so long to have the whole memory reshaped n things to be forgiven..Or did I have such a retarded reaction to a breakup? So retarded that supposed 'break-up' tears come 2 yrs after? Touching that tt little thing that surprisingly does not fit me anymore..after 2 or rather 2.5 yrs?

The first time I cried was when I lost some things.. some very significant things.. The second time was when I suddenly feel so lost and missed the feeling of security n order.. Only until now being in a new rs..I understand how difficult it is to be the person guiding in the relationship n how difficult it was when one party is prepared to move forward with another party that is not/cant in the same phase yet.

Isnt life ironic? But it took me these 2 yrs or more to realise there is so much more that I did not see nor understand from his perspective. From his very simple perspective of companionship. I guess one can only understand and appreciate that simplicity after yrs of relationship fatigue..after disappointments..n only until one reaches a certain age.. Maybe that's why love/feelings/passion is not as impt compared to the simplicity of companionship love. Maybe that's why companionship love to him then was 'sufficient'? It was also after this long while I flipped my diary and saw this qn he always asked me in the start "Am I sufficient for you?".. I always didnt understand..but now I do. Because I need a guy that is 'sufficient' for me in all aspects of life, in order to make me happy.

Perhaps r/s between 2 persons at different phases of life is really difficult to build. I feel bad, feel apologetic and feel that there reali existed some form of love between us in the past. Not the passionate intense kind but just the simple companionship kind. And back then, what I needed is to feel that chemistry, that passion, that intensity. Do I still need that now? Yes I do and on top of that, companionship love can gradually supplement the lack in passion/intensity for the present me, unlike the me in the past. Maybe as I get older, I become less demanding in terms of that? But I think I become more demanding in more practical terms definitely.

I was alwiz told 'do not compromise on ur needs because you deserve better'. I really need someone to be deserving of me and my whole life's time.

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