Just finished watching a show.. Last part makes me cry again. Or rather true love always makes me cry. True love is the whole meaning about life. Love brings u tears but it takes u out from tears. I guess love is the thing that will bring you home.

Read sth interesting today -- a 28 yr-old single's woes. It says that when she is 2 yrs away from that 30-yr-old alarm, she is lonely yet afraid to give. Ironic but often true. 2 days ago, I met up with my ex boss.. we were talking abt some relationship stuff.. n he said sth that stayed in my mind these few days. He said that he always treat his every new relationship like it's the first. I think it is not easy, and it is sth that I never thought of before as a way to make a relationship work.

Perhaps it is the world we live in..the stories we hear.. that make us always harbour expectations of a rs, that make us form images of what a relationship should be like. I guess I am no exception. Plus previous experiences I have had.. it always makes me wonder if I don't feel in a certain way, does that mean I am not in love? Yesterday, when I was sorting out fotos and coming across photos of me and my ex, it feels different already. I was very sure last time that I did not love him. But when I think back abt us, everithing we do we sae etc was all so natural, so smooth with no pretence... and the ways I just wana do things for the us in the past. Surprisingly, when I think abt my current one, how come it is not as smooth as my previous despite the previous being a not-much-love relationship? I do lesser things, I'm always held back when I want to do certain actions, want to say certain words, want to type certain smses that all end up in drafts or deleted items. So I thought perhaps there reali was some kinda love in the past for my ex, just that it cud be a mature form where no more excitement exists? Not too sure. If not, it must be the insecurity I am feeling in my current relationship that makes this such a frenli yet havin sth lacking kinda relationship?

Probably I just keep feeling that the more I give, the larger disappointment I will get in future. At the same time, when I don't give or hold back my givings, I felt unnatural and sometimes unhappy. It is very hard when I just don't want to get hurt again. But I know that I wun be lucky enough to avoid getting hurt. N who will be by my side when that happens? Coz one I am vulnerable to hurt, second no one can promise that he/she wun hurt you at all even if he/she loves u. I just don't want to be a victim of love again. I am already very glad that I have loved before and the person I loved once loved me as crazily before. In a lifetime, not everione is lucki to feel the feeling of falling in love and even if one felt it before, the other party may not be feeling like e way you do. So I alwiz thought that with that, I have no regrets abt love. Some of my frens even admire me for having this kinda experience before despite the loss.

Well.. as I think abt wat my ex boss says, go into every relationship as though is a new and first one.. I think that is probably the solution. Every relationship and everi love probably feels different at a different age and at a different phase in life. As one grows older and have had more experiences before, falling in love probably just cant entail certain form of innocence, craziness and impracticality. So the feeling would be different? Though certain fundamentals shud be there la. I don't know. I feel confused. What kinda happiness shud I feel? Where is the very blissful feeling that I shud have? What is right? What is wrong? How should I make things right? How can I open up? How can I trust someone all over again? I guess I am feeling like the 28-yr old I was talking abt.

"I've been watching but the stars refused to shine.. I've been searching but I just don't see the light..I know that it's out there..There's got to something for my soul somewhere."