I have been feeling blue the whole week and my frens are not encouraging. Well, words are meant to be for consideration, not necessary action all the time. I do not know whether it is fortunate or unfortunate that during this down period, I have this him that really do things that make me smile, say words that make me feel better. Fortunate coz I have a fren like that that does not need to ask to sense that Im blue and knows what I need. Unfortunate coz he is not my boyfriend and I wish that the person doing these things is not him.

Been thinking a lot these few days. Wondering what is right what is wrong. I guess there is no right or wrong, it is a matter of mindset and changing my perspective. With age, I get more cautious, more risk adverse and more mature in relationship. That's why and how my needs also evolve. I keep thinking if I should really give it another chance again or should I give up. I really need him to assure me, motivate me, give me faith and help me regain hope and optimism. But he doesnt know that he needs to do all these.. or maybe he knows but dunno when and where to start. I just do not feel that he is putting very deep thoughts into steering it. Should I really take up the guy's role and start shaping it? I don't really feel that I'm in a relationship.. More like having the status that's all.

Some months back when I was still single, I knew what I want. I hope for someone to come along, sweep me off my feet and create this whole new meaning in life for me. Where I know that life is not just abt my career but abt sharing life. I envisioned such a nice future and life with a mate. Yah..maybe Im really a die-hard romantic that's why those images never appear in my real life right nw. I still feel single which is great, but I don't feel that I have a special someone which is sad. I am still the same old hf that gets through all the hard times by self-motivation. I find myself encouraging myself, comforting myself many times. If only Im a guy...sigh. Sometimes I feel sad for him, he missed out the experience of first love, the experience of doing crazy things with a loved one, the experience of a honeymoon period in a relationship. Though Im also sad myself, I have been through romances so it's ok. I just wish that it can happen with him, otherwise I will feel a bit unfair to him. It's not that I cant be a loving gf, it's not that I cant be nice to him, it's not that I cant do things for him...but when the 'setting', 'feel' and structure of the whole rs is weird, how can I do it.. I was never such a cold girlfren in e past..

Guess what.. when Im feeling blue and blogging now, he calls me. That him is not my boyfriend again. This is like the duno which time this happens.

A call. I jump. Hope it's bf that probably can talk to me and cheer me up. But I see that other him's number. Hear his soothing voice and really nice words.

A msg beep early in e morning. I hope again. Not him. Second msg beep. Not him. I reach office. Third beep. Still not him. Amongst these sometimes, its the other him. "R u on way to work? Train so packed! Hws u?" "R u feeling better than ydae?" "Chat you later ok?"

I send a sms. Shall be direct tell him Im down. Not very encouraging reply. Then 1 hr passed, 2 hrs, 3 hrs, whole afternoon...Another him calls me. Another him talk to me. That other him does nt know why Im blue but he senses it.

Late at night. Hint hint again. Wait for reply. No reply after 2 msgs from someone else. Phone rings. Yay he finally responds. Pick up the fone. It's that other him "U ok ger? Better ger?" Why does he know n my bf doesnt know?

Stress at work. Hope to hear his call or at least a msg. None. That other him got me sth to cheer me up, give me a call just to distract me from work for a few min. Simple words, simple things but really sweet n melting. I wish he is someone else.

Out with frens. Im blue. N waiting for his msg coz dun dare to wait for a call anymore. Msg beep. 3 times. Still none is him. Den when I wana give up waiting, a msg comes in. It's that other him. I cant help but respond to him telling him Im down even when Im with my frens. "Y blue ger?" "Quarrel ah?" "Silly. Dont be ok? I m always here ger". "Hugs. I hope u be ok. Miss ya."

And the thing is... It's not everyday that this other him does all these for me, or sms me. In fact he hardly. But he will just appear when I am weakest, when I need someone, when I need some comfort. Very sensitive to my moods and feelings. That's the scary part. If he's doing all these everydae like other suitors, I will ignore all these things. But it's not.. Hes not even going after me. Yet he can be so sensitive and responsive. I used to be in this role for him too. But not as sensitive as him. But I will know hes not ok when everyone din think there is anything wrong. I will be able to see through his smile and his eyes. Maybe he can see the real me beyond my facial expressions too?

But I do not want all these to come from him. . .