"They are attached yet they lived like they are single as ever." That's how I feel too :) Good or bad? I guess that is also what I wanted, just that something to keep it there is lacking. I think it is me again. I am feeling as independent and carefree as before but I don't like the feeling of me not needing anyone and not feeling needed. That means I still havent felt complete. I always feel that we should be with someone that we can't live without instead of someone I can live with.

But sometimes I wonder if it is really true that I never felt lonely leading my single life. Whether I really can live without somebody. Thinking back, I have never felt lonely but it's because I have so many things that keep me occupied. All these occupations that include hanging out with frens, going for ying chou appts or gatherings, dating potentials..they are probably windows that shut my inner self? Esp dates..they probably help me feel that I am not lonely because i get a feeling that there is a potential future with someone? Maybe without all the suitors and all the dates I would really feel that I eventually still need somebody? These dates are probably illusions and distractions in my life that steer me even more towards my want to be single. Ironic huh? Just some random thoughts when I was staring at my reflection against the dark in the library window... I felt like hugging myself then. Is that how those certain few special or once special guys feel when they look at me in my eyes?

Yet amidst all these tots, I recalled this song that I will play whenever I am sad or going thru a dark time in my rs ever since the age of 15. "I Believe" by Yamaguchi. "When Im feeling small, When it's cold outside, I don't know who I should recall and when I need a special someone just by my side, who was there?"... chorus that keeps repeating "I Believe..someday I will love someone who's by my side. My special one will come along..I pray everydae". Maybe deep inside me I still hope to find a special one that I will want to lose my independence to.

How can I regain energy and motivation to really fall into a relationship? I find myself unable to give coz I am afraid. It is so not me to be so unloving so not wanting to do things. Ive never been so lazy in a rs... maybe coz I am no longer young, innocent and naive to believe in fairy tale love stories..and maybe coz I have no more courage to throw myself into a big sea of uncertainies and insecurities again. By choosing to break up 2 yrs ago, I know I have already thrown myself into this sea.. But by living alone, I thought I am swimming well. Now that sth else came along.. I am lost in the same sea again. No directions, no shore in sight.

It is also now I realise how much I need someone mature and really wen zhong in order to feel secure. Someone that can really plan for the future, someone who has foresight, someone who really has the fighting spirit.