Feeling nostalgic. I wanted to open some horoscope file..but somehow by accident or not I click on tt folder and a random file inside. It is a chat log on my birthday in yr 2004. A chat log between me and the only person I loved so far.

As I was reading it, I felt rather moved.. and I was havin butterflies in my stomach. A feeling I din get for very long. I get that when Im overly gan jiong (like during exams) or when there is a sudden surge of emotions esp when I tink of someone or when Im abt to c someone. Ya... In tt conversation we sent each other fotos of the us then.. and he said no matter how I changed, he still remembers me the way I am when I was younger.."that old me that belonged to him" ..that unsharpened and unpolished image of me is the one he loves. And I dunno why at tt point in time he can still tell me "I love u no less now". He then went on to ask me what would I do if he suddenly appears in front of me (we haven seen each other since 2002)..N his answer to e same qn "I would feel a sense of loss.. Because I can never have u again.. But at least I have you for that very moment". Recalling that conversation, I believe this is one of the points when I was still trying very hard to hold back my emotions. And we went all talking.. and guessing what would happen in future.. I told him 5 yrs down the road I prolly would be married and he has to get out of my life.. (Well, there and then I tot Im gona marry my ex bf coz I tot security is more impt than feeling of love).. Ya and everytime we reach the topic of marriage he will be silent.. Till one day he said to me: Maybe the one standing beside u could be me? And ever since this statement we have never talked abt marriage again. And we were pondering if we will still be in contact when we are old.. And I made him promise me that he must never leave me again if by any chance we end up together again.. N one of the sweetest things he said that I can never forget is "I wonder how it feels to cuddle you for a nite.. I guess I probably will stay up watching u sleep in my arms through the nite..But if only... I can have that night." And the whole conversation ends with the sweetest promise that we ever had in our lives. That is to be kept secret.

Reading this whole conversation no longer brings tears to my eyes. The old him is no longer alive in my heart and no longer alive in reality too. In fact, after reading, I just feel inspired to write a romance novel someday that is based on our story. Unfortunately I have lousy penmanship.. After reading jus now, I had an urge to dial his number. But of coz, I didnt.. because hes no longer the old him. All these things are buried beneath his materialistic ambitions now. That's ok.. because all has passed.

Life is short, but we can't just play thruout our whole lives. It is only recently I really feel a strong need to really keep healthy to maintain the vulnerable human body. Maybe because of some young deaths I hear recently. It is just so sad when somebody passes away at such a young age without spending enough time doing what is most meaningful to him in life. More often than not, if we look at our lives, how many hours are spent in front of our workdesk or our desktops or answering those tons of emails and how many hours in a day do we have with someone or some people that are important to us. Even myself, knowing this, cant escape the cruelty of demanding work n lifestyle. Though I know that lifestyle is by choice, I really feel that there is so little time when I want to do so many things.

When I seriously think abt it, what really gives satisfaction is still experiencing and giving love. To family, to my partner, to my frens. There were 2 times in my life that I experienced life-and-death circumstance.. I remembered the things that flash thru my mind and the helpless feeling was scary. Its like darkness looming over u all of a sudden. Then I panicked... because there are a lot of tings I havent said, a lot of things I havent done, a lot of places I haven been.... But once life is back on track... these things are forgotten and time is taken for granted again.

Thinking back.. I suddenly realised how I experienced the max of happiness in life and in love. That short period of time when I experienced that was when I really almost lived each day as though that day will never come again. Back then the motivational factor behind was him. Just him. Because I cherished really every second we had together.. almost to the extent of counting every breath and every step we took together.. I lived my life in that way, grabbing on to every second I can and appreciating every second's happenings. I felt the happiest then. Maybe this is the key? How can I do it again?