This is my worst ever December and worst ever holiday. Second day after last paper, I started working on my thesis, that darn regression. That produced results telling mi that the data I have collected past 4 months is equivalent to nonsense! sobz. I only met my prof once, and that dae was like a mad rush. I was running to and from the comp lab to his office so mani times that I lost count. And still, I got insignificant t-stats n lousy correlations. Basically, results that just caused mi to redo collecting new data, varying calculation methods etc over and over again. Until now i have already accumulated a stack of regression results already. The only ting I look forward to is getting interpretable and sensible results for my thesis now, else I reali cant produce any thesis man.

Another thing I have been lookin forward to is a job offer. And these few daes, Im quite upset because I lost the M A program for DBS. In the dept which Im most interested - risk management. SIGHS. The saddest thing is not that I lost, but the stupid way I lost. After going through all the rounds. hr interviews, further test, assessment centre, technical interview, final panel. One after another. Hopes that were raisen after getting through round after round all the way, not to any middle or second last rounds but to the final last round. I thought I have hope after getting through the assessment centre and technical interview which realli grilled mi badli, yet I just din get through the frenli chat with the final panel. Why? Coz I was sick and croakin there. I remembered one question which I answered until no voice came out. Yah its that bad. Coz I was having a realli bad nose block n throat, din think it would affect that much. Coz I did the Macquarie interview in e morning, n I only lost my voice in the last few minutes. (Oh, now to think of it, is that why I got out frm macq after that round oso? argh, sux) And basically I knew that I undersell myself, and could have said more, shown more content. But oh well, what to do when I din choose to call in sick, when I thought it wouldnt be that bad?

Yah, feeling realli upset. Out of dbs risk ma prog, out of macquarie risk after sec las round, out of credit suisse after las round (ya another one that i went to las round n yet .... ). Its jus so so so damn tiring applying, preparing, going to interviews and in the process all tat heightened excitement, hopes amidst the little humps and disappointments during this whole period. When pple who went for interviews with mi jus keep asking mi n tellin mi how shocked they are abt mi not selected after las rnd. Bitter consolation to me only. Perhaps luck jus play a part n I lack that as well. Im not pursuing my passion in risk animore, reali reali veri demoralised. Firstly those technical n modeling parts not easy to get pass, n pple are so demanding, secondli mani banks closed their apps, if not they are not offering ani positions for risk already. Bye bye to my passion, Im on my way to the not so exciting part of the bank (hopefully can get in sth la). After mabe 2 yrs, den see if I can move back to risk. sighs. first job is quite impt i tink, but well what to do. Quite lost la.

So wat else to look forwrd to in this Dec? Im not even looking forward to xmas. For the first time. Din plan aniting, no mood for it. Since sec sch, xmas has never been not exciting n fun, no matter wat frens Im with. Xmas bears a veri special meaning to me. Its a dae i must be out of house, wrecking havoc somewhere haha. Where will I be next xmas/pre xmas in 07? Will I be in a happier state that what im in now?

Im not even enjoying those meetups n outings with frens fully. My mind is clouded with all those job stuff, regression... Up for mi next week are my overdue meetups and gatherings almost every day and my daily bloomberg lessons (which I found out only yesterday that there are 8 tests to be scored before certified). Den it would be xmas eve =( So fast. I dun even have time to myself. No lazy afternoons in kino or borders. No happening nites at clubs. No catching up with all my vcds n shows. No time for music. No cycling sessions by the beach. etc etc etc. It realli feels worst than exams!