Another week has passed. Its gona be xmas weekend. Not in the mood for it, not looking forward to it. I think for this week, the most meaningful gathering was the one with my jc frens, esp when some of them are the onli frens in my social circle that I talked abt song-writing and performing to. Ya..it feels good when there are same pple who actualli share the same kind of passion and dreams as u. We have always wanted to start a performing group in Singapore, but never got down to it. Even when there was a chance given by universal, I din urge my fren enough to do the demo together oso. At almost every point of our lives, we are always busy and burdened with sth which cud be jus exams. And perhaps, when we look back, we realise heyy its onli exams. 'Busy' has always been the word that get in our ways. Well, my fren finalli told mi we shud realli start before we regret when we are in our 50s. But I do hope u are seriously in for it this time dear, im so afraid its gona be a just a spur of the moment. Because ever since the end of 2002, after sending out my song to him, I feel that nothing more meaningful has been/would ever be done out of my works than that. Even the whole concert was for him. At least in my heart. I stopped writing ever since, because the source of the flow and writings was gone ever since. Attempted to write one or two in the past few songs, but they din turn out well. And I thought that dream to pursue my interest has really left me. Ya I not only love to write, I love to perform, n I love the feeling of being on stage. (hey ger if u r luking at this, I do hope we realli would try out sth? u revived the passion in me.I always tot that Im the only crazy one, but now I realised the existence of ur dream too so dun give up.even if we cant do aniting together, I believe u have the talent to pursue it k?)

It's only recently I realised that it is really true that when u realli fall in love, it could jus be forever. I remembered telling my fren on one of those bus rides passing through town after sch at the age of 14 that I tink that when I fall in love, it would probably be forever. Though at that point of time, I havent fallen for anione yet. Until recentli, den I realised hey thats not bullshit, and it applies to people in general. But of coz rarely do people realli fall so deeply in love that they can just stay together so strongli forever. I think I felt so recently is because I thought that the person I fell for in my life is gone but yet ... I thought I wouldnt be bothered by the fact that I'd never be able to be with him in future. But somehow, certain things still cut deep I wondered why. Are they the scars of my wounds? And after so many years, even with no contact, we can arouse such strong emotions in each other. It really just means love. It is surprising how I can still miss him occassionally while days and years just passed by, for the last 6 yrs. And I can imagine if I am with someone like that with that kind of intensity from both parties, it can easily last mi a lifetime being with him and just him. I think that is really the context that I will use words like 'love' and 'forever'. And that is how those few old couples still never fail to hold their hands and be still so in love regardless of age. Because when u r realli deep in love, u cud easily be in love forever. I finally believe in that. Just like few yrs back when I said no la hw is it possible after so mani yrs wo contact 2 persons can still feel that sth. But there I am, after more than half a decade, back at square one.

But of course, this is quite scary, because I realli wana start my life afresh. I don't know when that will be. Or perhaps, I am destined to just fall in love just once in my lifetime. And I got to wait till my next life to start all over again. Yeah, we were indeed so lost once that we made a promise for our next lives and at my deathbed many decades down the road. Maybe I am silly to still remember such things when perhaps he has long forgotten and lived on since dunno when. Yah all these were really crap to mi during a period of time, when I was realli occupied and busy. Emotionally occupied as well of course. I guess that is how the word 'regret' came about in people's vocabularies.

But well, that aside, I guess I realli got to open myself up to look around and be more receptive to people. Takes a lot of courage and time. I wonder how long it will take. Kay la, all these things are of secondary importance to me at the moment. Meanwhile, I shall not be discouraged by my job applications and thesis!!!! The traditional song by Diana Ross we used to sing in RGS is still a song that accompanied my growth at every point of my life. Ever so meaningful to me, especially the 2 verses (shall not write out the full song its too long):

"Don't lose your way, with each passing day.
You've come so far, don't throw it away.
Live believing Dreams are for weaving.
Wonders are waiting to start.
Live your story. Faith, hope and glory.
Hold to the truth in your heart.
.
. (chorus)
.
Souls in the wind, must learn how to bend.
Seek out a star, hold on to the end.
Valley, mountain, there is a fountain
washes our tears all away.
Words are swaying, someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay.
.
.
.(bridge and chorus)