ok took a cold shower to make myself feel better.. jus love running cold shower over the head n face for a real loong time when im blue.. tinkin abt marriages.. are they reali necessary.. i used to think that cohabitation is jus as good.. jus feel happi when u r together.. n break up when u r no longer happi.. but gettin into my current rs few yrs bac make mi tink tt marriage is necessary.. mabe his mindset influenced mine.. but to tink abt marriage now is kinda scary to mi now.. for the past yrs we were tog i tot i was ready for it.. but now i realised i am not ani close to ready right now.. is it becoz i have changed as i move on with life these yrs or is it becoz his age n his hopes to do so makes mi pressured till i feel scared? i duno.. mabe its a combi of both. it makes mi wana drift away from the rs.. makes mi look towards freedom.. but of coz i believe the fundamental probs are still there.. and the whole ting abt marriage is jus a catalyst...

well how mani couples get married becoz they reali love each other? not mani.. mani get together of various other reasons.. den wat for hope to get that piece of paper to tie yourself down.. i c mani women rushing in all sorts of funni ways to get that piece of paper when they see their biological clock ticking.. and it results in so mani marriages that are done in a rush? hah.. everitime i c a woman doin tt.. its kinda scary.. i start to think whther i will be one of those some yrs down the road.. mabe now im still young.. im nt tt worried.. but i noe of a few female frens who are worried now already.. some frens they are reali envious of mi n my steady rs.. alwiz askin when im getting married.. until the last gatherin i had 1 or 2 mths bac.. i actualli had to smile it off in response to qns like this.. dun wana spoil the table's mood when everione is talkin abt happi tings.. like 'we plan to get married when blah blah blah'.. im tinkin to myself inside 'actuali i plan to be single now' haha. perhaps my rs has seemed so stable all this while bah..

well.. if pple are reali in love when they get married.. no couples love each other the same way the other does i guess... as a result.. someone shud be givin more than the other n someone shud be feeling more tired and tong ku in a rs than the other... if tts e case why am i still seeking someone to give mi that exceptional rs rite.. jus stick with some guy tt can give u sth proper in the tangible form.. close one eye n live ur life.. haha tt was wat i tot i cud accept. nahz.. mabe its not tt simple.. being loved can be an agonizing ting.. its not the first time i realise it.. den why am i trying it again.. but loving someone can also be veri agonizing n painful as well.. so why am i turnin away from being loved.. see.. thats the irony.. mabe i jus cant release my heart to anione even after so mani yrs.. is it reali so? im not too sure.. i noe tt im jus afraid of being hurt.. even now. i dun like to get too close to anyone lest i get hurt.. of coz in my current rs i was more open n i tink i reali tried all i can to release it.. but i jus cant or mabe to a veri small extent.. i sometimes hate myself for tt.. n i tot with time i can do it.. but nw im tired.. so tired n dejected with myself that im gona lock my heart up again. perhaps tt explains my current feeling of numbness.

at first i tot that hey dun be silly wishin to feel certain tings u had felt before.. perhaps certain tings can onli be experienced onli at certain phases of lives.. n certain tings jus dun happen animore past that phase.. n by not feelin it perhaps doesnt mean that u r lackin sth.. its jus that there are probabli expressions in other forms.. n u dun realise it.. n dun wish to acknowledge that.. talked to mm before abt this.. but i told him..but those tings do happen n do arise even now at my so called different phase.. then wat does that mean.. i wasnt lukin for sth that is unachievable at other phases. that can still be present at ani time of my life.. but i duno whether to go on lukin for it or i shud jus give up.. i tink no one will understand wat this paragraph is referrin to except mm haha. so do u tink i shud follow my heart when im not even sure where it is leading mi?