It's not jus today i wanted to post.. tried to post in my photo website the other day.. somehow din continue.. dun ask mi y.. the last time i wrote online was back in 2002?

ya 2002 was a bad year for mi. been so long since my broadest smile bac then.. n been so long since my worst tears bac den too.

yeah nw im feelin abit lost. abit down. abit tired. love is like a vicious circle.. once started u will never get out of it.. even when love is not present in its true pure form.. it exists somewhr in ur life, in ur mind or heart in other forms.. could be hatred could be sorrows could be some hidden pain..

but right now... the present me has already given up on love. why search for love? why search for that kind of love, to be specific. i have love present in my life.. in some form.. but not the form that i desired.. i do not love anione in that way i desire. theres no intensity, no depth, no craziness which so defines hf. wat is hf without all that.. but well.. mabe at a certain phase in life its jus like tt? no idea..

how mani pple reali could find true love or experience true love? some pple probabli think they are in love when they probabli have nt yet met wat is true love.. some pple jus live their lives looking for this ting called love.. wat abt mi? it used to be such an impt part of my life.. i experienced a few kinda emotions for different periods of times.. n i believe i have experienced wat i wud define as love before. n ever since then or ever since i lost e person tt made mi feel tt way, i have given up on looking for that feeling ever in my life again. sounds sad huh? jaded? perhaps..why so?

to me.. i believe in this sth i read: a woman meets 3 types of person in her life. one is someone that loves her the most in her life, one is someone that she loves the most in her life and last one is someone she eventually settles down with in her life. more often than not, the 3 persons are unfortuunately not the same person. for me, i feel veri fortunate that at this pt of life, the first 2 persons are the same person. n these few yrs, with that in mind, i tot i wudnt wana ask for more. but nw, as i approach a certain phase, when certain tings jus cant be avoided, i reali wish for those 3 persons in my life to be the same. n i reali how hard it is. at first ...i tried to do a little compromise with my heart.. after a while.. i realised at times it does feel miserable.. mabe i nid to reach a even later phase to come to terms with that.. i probabli jus need time.. mabe by then.. i realise watever thats impt to mi now are no longer impt in future...

but well whatever it is.. i kinda appreciate wat has happened in my life before.. those yrs bac.. when i smiled n cried genuineli. besides leaving me with the mani diary books at home, my wonderful collection of songs written.. i tink its so part of mi that wat i do wat i sae nowadaes sometimes are direct or indirect results of those.

sometimes 2 persons in love just have to walk away from each other. n yet they remain in love. sounds sad eh? well suddenli i remembered wat he said tt time knowing that the fact applies to us.. sth that came under such a circumstance tt made both cried.. i still remember it goes: the future remains unknown, may or may-not our paths to cross, lost love in eternal frost. to me, it is beautiful esp it was a sudden on the spot penning down of his thoughts. melts mi. i remembered i said sth like this oso (in response to sth): "perhaps a beautiful book for mi starts with the chapter when i knew u.." well it reali was not only true in that sense, but also true literally oso. haha. when i first met him, i remembered crossing those traffic lights den at nite and i remembered the sky. i went hm tt nite n wrote in my diary sth like this "the person i met todae feels kinda special.wonder what will happen in future, will his name still appear again ever in my next entry?" sth like this.. n i was so carefree then. haha.. e future reali holds e unknown. his names jus made up all of my remaining diaries. reminds mi of the guang liang;s song: dou shi ni.

he hasnt written poems for lonng time, jus like i havent written songs for a long time. tt dae, walking down the same escalator that we walked so so mani yrs ago.. i felt nothing. only till i went bac home, made me feel nostalgic. just a little boy..no more of tt in the past. more like relieved that im out of everything. feeling nothing for no one now.

feel like singing this song (a song i used to love n sing in rg): "sometimes i wonder, if ive made a wrong step somewhere, as times dun seem as good as they have been before. Its not so hard then, to want to lay down and cry......."

i realised my entry ended up with my mind flashin back a little. nice to look back at. colorful pages. colors with a heavy price to pay for though.

havent missed anyone in a loooooong time. i hope i wun forget how to miss someone.